when love dies [akkayan]

finding help

Ray POV

Having Top standing at my door, asking for help is the last thing I thought would ever happen. I offered him the help, I'm willing to help him, I just never in a million years believed he would take.

And he's probably gonna hate my idea, but I still need to try.

"Get in, you can sleep here tonight."

"Thanks, but I don't think I can sleep."

"We can talk instead, we have all night. Go take a shower, we'll talk, tomorrow we'll figure out what to do."

Top went to the bathroom, he took a shower, and I gave him some clothes. They were a little small on him but for now they would do. After I made us some hot chocolate, we sat on the couch, watching some movie that was playing. The important part was not the movie anyway, I was just giving him space to finally feel comfortable enough to open up.

"I can't sleep alone. Ever since the fire..."

I don't know much about that, only that he went through some trauma, and since then he's afraid of sleeping alone. Something tells me I won't get to know the entire story either. It's okay, I don't need to know everything, just that he wants help.

"The drugs help...when I'm high I can't think so I'm not scared you know?" And how I know, I've been doing the same thing with alcohol ever since I left Akk. "It helps me sleep."

"What do you want Top?"

Deep breaths. He's probably trying to find words to describe whatever he's feeling. I understand that so we'll.

"I want to stop, I want to get better, I want to sleep, Ray, that's all I've ever wanted."

"Okay, I want to help you, I really do, but I think you need real help, Top, I think you should go to a rehab center."

"What? No, no Ray, it's not that bad."

"Top look at me please, Mew will wait for you but you need to take care of yourself, you need help, real help."

Top stays silent for a while, his eyes lost somewhere behind my back, focusing on an empty spot of the white wall. I can tell he's scared, of not knowing what will happen, of not knowing what to do. I haven't known him for long, but I can tell he likes to be in control of himself, of his emotions, and right now he's not. He can't take control of what he feels, and going to a facility means giving up control completely, trusting others to help him navigate a process that will most likely be hard and painful.

He's afraid about Mew as well, they love each other so much. The current situation is killing their relation slowly, they are drifting away from each other and from their love, from their future. I can tell he's worried about what will happen to them if he actually takes this step, if he chooses to stay away to get clean, to get better. Afraid Mew will not understand, will not wait for him.

The thing is, they are already losing themselves, they are so close to the breaking point. Doing this may be the only way to salvage what's still left, or to recover what was.

"I don't even know where to start..."

"I can help you, I know a place, we can go there tomorrow, I will be with you every step of the way okay?"

He nods. And lays down.

Maybe we should sleep. As hard as the last couple hours may have been, tomorrow has everything to be so much worse.

For both of us.

This place, the rehab center, is back at home. Is the same place my uncle did his treatment, even if he was not committed, he had his therapy sessions there and he always loved the doctors and everyone who works there. Going back there so soon was not what I intended, but Mew and Top became really important to me in these months and I wanna do everything I can to help them. This is something I need to do. This is something Top needs, and that place is the best I know.

They focus on drugs and alcohol rehabilitation, at same time dealing with mental problems. A lot of times people tend to rely on substances to deal with stuff inside their heads they don't even understand, so Top can learn how to care about his mental health and deal with his traumas and triggers in a different way.

Honestly, right now I feel like a hypocrite. Here I am, trying to help my friend get rid of an addiction, while I've been drinking myself into oblivion every weekend, just to cope with missing Akk.

Well, that's a problem for future Ray.

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Top POV

Waking up on Ray's couch was not in my plans, not even in my wildest dreams but last night was the last straw. I Need help, I can finally admit that, and he's offering.

Mew caught me doing drugs again, and he gave me an ultimatum, either I stop or he's gonna break up with me. And I can't live without Mew. Maybe I should be seeking help for myself, at least that's what everyone says, but it's easier to seek help for him, to keep him in my life. Maybe one day I will believe I need that help, but for now I can start for him.

Me and Ray had our breakfast in silence, and then drove all the way to the rehab center. We didn't speak, it was like we already had an understanding, he knew I needed this and I knew I could trust him to help.

Something in the way he looked at me last night made me believe he understands me better that I thought. There's so much I don't know about him yet, so much he hasn't told us, but still I trust him. I don't know how, I Don't know why but I do.

The place is nice actually. For some reason I thought it would look like a weird asylum, all while and full of sadness. But instead there is a huge garden full of trees and colorful flowers, there's a sense of life around the place that knocks me off my feet. Makes me feel maybe I can do this

The woman in the front desk is surprisingly nice, and she even calls a doctor to talk to me, to explain about what they do, and how I can get the help I need in the best and painless way.

Basically, I will stay here for a couple months, unless I need more when the time ends. But I won't have visitors the first two weeks. I choose to stay, but I can't go back home or I'm scared I will lose my nerve, so I stay today. There are openings, and honestly I have all the money I need to do this. It's an easier choice than I thought would be.

Ray is gonna come tomorrow with some clothes, I won't see him but he will leave some things for me on the front desk. And he will tell Mew. He will explain. I hope Mew doesn't hate me, and he comes to visit as soon as I'm clear for visitors.

I just hope I still have a boyfriend when I get out.

And I hope Ray gets better as well, because I haven't seen him smile ever since we got to the city. There's something here that weighs on him, I can tell. I know he was running from something when Mew found him. Is it possible that whatever he was running away from is actually here? And if that's the case, did he still choose to help me? Knowing he would have to come back?

You don't find friends like that everyday, do you?

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just because it's Christmas here's another one 🩷🩷 

TWO VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS: 

1. DO YOU STILL THINK THIS WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING??? 

2. HOW MANY OF YOU LOVE RAY AND TOP BEING FRIENDS??? 

🖤V☆