when love dies [akkayan]

when you lose everything

Akk POV

So, I quit. I quit uni, I left the dorms and I've been working at a supermarket for a while, while living in a tiny studio, volunteering at a rehab center. And texting Aye, everyday, about anything and everything about my life. My life choices and how I've been living. He hasn't replied yet. Three months and he is still not talking to me. I had already realized I've hurt him a lot, but turns out it's even worse than I thought. 

I'm starting to think I don't even deserve him really. After everything he did for me, the way I just gave up on us so easily - because of stupid fears he was helping conquer, may I add. I'm honestly just a coward. 

So I gave up my life, because I couldn't find within myself any kind of strength or will to do anything worthy of it anymore. I'm pretty sure he would be disappointed in me if he knew. Which he would, because I keep texting him about it.

I texted him when I found out he had left.

When I started to fall behind because I didn't bother to be on time for classes. 

About not being able to sleep without his hoodie in my arms. 

I even texted him when I finally found a job, and an apartment. And the day I quit uni. 

He hasn't replied, obviously. Lately he doesn't even read my texts anymore. So, I'm sure he doesn't know.

My parents don't know either, but they will probably hate me the day they find out. 

Thua and Kan tried to talk to me on multiple occasions when I was still living in the dorms. But I was running away from them as well. Partly out of guilt - they did lose their friend because of me. Mostly out of shame, considering they know every single detail about the way I treated Aye, they even witnessed my behavior. ANd honestly a little out of fear, I can't put past Kan just punch me on sigh, if for nothing else just to make sure I'm actually hurting. There's no need, all I feel is pain. Every day, every night, at every second. There's a throbbing pain in my heart, where my shortstop used to live. He still has all of me, but he doesn't even know anymore. 

That's my fault.

Wat has been texting and calling non stop for a while. The guys probably called him. Which means he's on the loop, so he probably hates me too. 

I'm alone. And I'm a disappointment.

I have no one to blame but myself. 

After that friday night everything in my life changed.

For the brief hours when I thought Ayan took his own life, I lost all my reasons to be alive. I wanted to follow him, to join him wherever he was. It didn't matter if heaven or hell were real, or in which one of them I would end up. The biggest part of me wanted to take that last step, like he did. 

Somehow finding out Aye was alive but didn't want anything to do with me anymore, was even worse. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think, I couldn't stop these tears from falling. I could only see - or imagine in my case - the love of my life moving on without me, finally finding someone worthy of all the love he had to give. Because he has so much, and he was giving it all to me. I was lucky enough to feel the plenitude of being loved by Ayan and I didn't enjoy it the way I should have. 

So my life changed, I changed. Suddenly not even diving into school and projects and studying could keep me sane or distracted enough. I couldn't sleep, the nightmares started. Every night when I closed my eyes I saw Aye falling, leaving me behind, my screams filling up all the space between those trees and those rocks. I started to be late for classes, and after a while I didn't even bother to show up. I abandoned all my group projects because I couldn't even look at my supposed new friends. All I could see was Aye's face, during all those lunch breaks when he tried to sit with us and I just pretended he was not important. I got so focused on what those people would think of me, I pushed away the only one that mattered, 

If I wasn't going to classes, or planning to graduate anymore - or do anything worthy of my life, might as well just quit all together. So that's exactly what I did. And I found some stupid job, just to keep myself occupied and make some money. Then I found a studio, some place where I could sleep, since I couldn't stay at the dorms anymore, not if I wasn't attending university. 

I wouldn't call it a home, but it has a bed and it's comfortable enough. The ghost of my boyfriend - I still can't bring myself to call him my ex - lives with me. Everything he had in the dorm, that was his, is sitting inside boxes, scattered all over the floor. I couldn't bring myself to throw anything away. And everytime the pain gets too much, I sleep dressed with his clothes. They are small on me, not exactly comfortable, but it's the closest I can get to the real thing. I'll take it. There's pictures of us all around this place, on the walls, on my desk, every picture we ever took together. Anywhere I look I can see him, I feel him, and still I'm so far away. 

A couple weeks ago I started volunteering at a rehab center. For no other reason than trying to get even closer to Aye. He always cared so much about mental health issues, with everything that happened with his uncle, his own depression, dealing with my problems, I figured if I could at least help someone else who's going through hard times, at least I could make up for something. I could maybe make him proud of something. 

I'm doing what I know he would do. 

My life is still a mess, but at least there's a purpose to it. even if the purpose is not about me, but about making Ayan proud. Even if he is not here to see.

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Little does Akk know everything was about to change very soon. And at the same time nothing would. Not really, at least. 

It was a normal day, just like any other. He was walking around the clinic, talking to patients, assuring them that everything would be okay or that their families were still waiting for them. When he saw them. 

That guy, the tall one was new. HAs just started the program , so this was probably his first time outside, and the first time with a visit. Normally, Akk would just continue with his day, it's normal for patients to choose to have their visits in the open, feeling the wind on their skin, the warmth of the sun on their faces. Except the visit looked a lot like the person he had been dying to see again. 

MAybe his mind finally gave out and was not playing tricks on him. Maybe Akk was past the point of crazy, actively hallucinating about the shorted boy. At least outside his studio, because inside, in the middle of boxes and photos he saw him everywhere. 

But those eyes, those smiles, the way he the guy laughed. It seemed so much like Ayan. His hair is not pushed back, instead falling towards his eyes, framing his face so perfectly, it only makes him look more awesome - considering that's actually Aye. But it can't be, So the only possible explanation was that somewhere in the world there was a guy who looked exactly like his boyfriend, someone who knows this patient - maybe even dating him for the looks of it. And fate is just mocking him by putting this guy right on his path.

That's what it is, right? At least, it's what Akk keeps telling himself while he spies on them, far enough they won't see him, but close enough to look into the eyes he's been dreaming about every night. 

But that can't be Ayan. It just can't.

Because if that's Ayan, it means he moved on. Without Akk. It means he's happy. With someone else.

And there's nothing worse than that. 

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🖤V☆