when love dies [akkayan]

meeting old friends

Ray POV

After that first day I visited Top, I kept going back to see him every day after classes. Sometimes just for a couple hours, but it was worth it to see him smile a bit, so see him get better. I still couldn't get Mew to come with me, but at least this way Top didn't feel so away from the outside world.

I would tell him about Mew, and he would tell me about therapy and the things he was learning about himself. New techniques to fall asleep, to fight the urges. Seeing his improvement made me genuinely happy.

I also started opening up about myself. About my past, why I ran away. Even about trying to kill myself that day.

And with every part of the story I felt myself getting lighter and lighter. I too needed to talk about my issues, even if I didn't want to admit it. So I talked to Top, just like I talked to Mew, and he listened. Our trust, our bond, kept getting stronger just by sharing little details about ours lives, our trauma. I never revealed names, neither my old one or Akk'es, but I talked about Thua and Kan and Wat and he was glad I decided to finally reach out to them again, more than texts and calls, but making an effort to have them in my life again.

The first time I told Thua about wanting to meet with them he was excited. I missed seeing him like that. Truth be told, he's my best friend, he was there for me a lot of times, even with the role he played in the fallout I could never hate or blame him. Because I saw myself in him, the urge to take control after being on the low for so long. When you spend so much time being told what to do, being kicked by every angle, one day you explode. And even if at the time I could never forgive him for outing Akk and our relationship - specially because of the tool I knew it would have on Akk - we moved past that, we built our trust again.

And I missed him, so much. I miss all of them.

So we scheduled dinner, back at my new apartment. I know we'll probably end up crying like babies so it's better to be somewhere private, better actually if the conversation takes a turn into uncomfortable themes.

I sent them my location, and just ordered food because I'm too nervous to cook anything. I have no idea how this will turn out, it can very easily be a mistake. I don't know if they hate me. Sure they don't seem to, when we talk. But it's different to see them after three months. There's no way it won't be weird.

Hearing a knock on the door my first instinct is to run, or hide. The second one is to open my door and throw myself at their arms.

I choose the second. I knew I missed them, but I had no idea I would miss them so much. Hugging them is like I was drowning and came up for air. I knew these people were important to me, but you never really know how much until you lose it. And I almost lost it. I almost let myself succumb into that darkness where I would never get to have this again.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." Fuck I'm already cryig and I haven't even start talking, hell they haven't even come inside. I'm so glad I didn't pick a public space.

"It's okay, we're just glad you are okay, Ray." One day I really need to teach Thua not to forgive so easily.

"Oi Ay-RAY you can't never disappear on us again!"

"How about we have dinner first and talk later , huh Ai'Kan?"

Somehow they haven't changed at all, Kan still talks his mind, and Wat is still the most sensible one. It's good to see some things never change.

We ended up having dinner at the living room table,sitting on the floor just like we used to do. And right there, laughing and joking around with them is the most normal I've felt in a long time.