when love dies [akkayan]

already home

Ray POV

After that night I spent at Akk's, surprisingly things got a lot better. Instead of tiptoeing around each other we were finally on the way to building something. We were not afraid of talking about what we feel, or the things that make us uncomfortable. Akk was not scared of hugging me anymore or touching me. He would just reach out in the middle of a conversation, touch my hand or my arm or even throw his arm around me when we were sitting next to each other. I caught myself doing the same thing on multiple occasions.

We've actually been spending a lot of time together. He kept his promise, coming with me to the bar whenever we went. And I would call him when I felt like drinking too much. I'm not sober by all means, but at least I'm not drinking too much. Mainly because Akk is there and he won't let me, but it still counts.

He's actually been spending a lot of time in my house. Sometimes we go out and he stays here. It started as an excuse really, it was late and he was away from home so it was easier to stay. Lately I think we've both been getting too used to it, liking the feeling of being in the same house. Even if we are not sleeping in the same bed. Falling asleep with Akk it's still easier, even if I'm at my bed and he's at my couch. So maybe it's not about the distance anymore, maybe it's about wanting to be in the same space. That's enough.

Or maybe it isn't.

I've been feeling myself losing control, more and more everyday. Whenever Akk touches me I just want to kiss him. I've been restraining myself but I don't even know if I should do it. I love him, and I'm sure he still loves me as well.

I know we agreed to stay friends until I'm better, but what's the point? We love each other.

If I'm being honest I'm terrified Akk won't want to be with me until I'm sober. He said he wanted to help me stop drinking, now I don't even know. I mean, I'm sure he still wants to be with me. But it's been so long, I don't even know how to do it anymore. He's literally at arms reach but the last step is so hard to take.

I've also been trying to help him, getting back at uni. Back when we were together, his dream was always to do something with his life, to make his own money so he could help his family and be someone. He gave up on that, partly because of me. I know I wasn't fine, but if I hadn't left then he probably wouldn't have quit. So I've been trying to convince him. But Akk is stubborn, he doesn't want to live off of his parents or even me, he still wants to work. I found out Yo was looking for someone to work at the bar, part time, as a singer, sometimes helping at serving as well. Akk can sing, I also taught him how to play the guitar, everything else he can learn. It's part time, mostly at night and weekends which makes it easy to reconcile with schools. And yes, this is me assuming he will come to the same uni as I am. I honestly don't want to leave, but I also can't imagine myself being away from him again. I even invited him to stay with me for awhile, until he could find his own place. Maybe not the best idea considering I'm hardly controlling myself as it is, but at this point I'm up for anything. I just want Akk close to me. And he's actually considering it, so it's a good thing. He's performing this weekend for the first time, a try out, see how he likes it, if he can maybe imagine himself doing it.

"Hello, Shortstop."

Akk came to pick me up, we've been doing that a lot too. He picks me up, so he can drive me home if I fall of the wagner. We also have been calling each other by our nicknames again. It doesn't hurt, It comes with a feeling of coming home.

"Let's go Bigfoot, it's your big night."

I know he's nervous. I also know he's excited. More importantly, I know everything it's gonna be just fine, I know Akk, he can do anything. That's one of the things I love about him.

When we get to the bar the rest of the guys are already there. Everyone wanted to be here to support Akk today, and to hear him sing. It's mostly my fault since I told everyone he sounds just like an angel. I might be biased, but I still count. Akk goes directly to the rest of the band, to discuss some more about the set before they start. He's been wanting to make it perfect.

Everything starts just fine. People seem to love his voices and the songs he picked. Until we get to the last song, and I swear I can hear my heart stopping.

"This last song, I would really like to dedicate it to someone. I wrote this a while ago with someone I love very much. I just want to tell him that I still love him, I will always love you."

There's tears in his eyes. I can tell, because I'm staring at his eyes. He can't be doing what I think he is, he wouldn't sing our song. He wouldn't confess to me like this. I know we've been working towards something for a while, but still it's too much, isn't it?

Still, the moment I heard the first chords I know exactly what's happening.

He's singing our song.

The one we wrote together.

The one we sing together.

Except he's singing the entire thing alone, for me, and his eyes don't leave mine, not even for a minute.

🎶 It's so amazing to have you around

You're the only thing I can't live without

Just to have you here with me 🎶

🎶 No one else

You're number one 🎶

He's crying. I'm crying. My friends are looking between both of us. Thua, Kan and Wat know exactly what's happening. They know the weight of this song to us. Everyone else is probably lost, but I can't even find it in myself to stop looking at Akk. I don't even know how he's gonna finish with the way he's crying,

🎶 Just to have you here with me

Just to have you here with me 🎶

By the end of the song I can't even be in that room anymore. It's hard to breath, it's hard to look at Akk. I run outside, desperate for a drink, a cigarette, something to stop my mind from spinning. But I don't want to disappoint Akk, I don't want to hurt him. Especially after what he did right now. Putting himself out there, not even knowing how I'm gonna respond, or if I'm ready to give us another chance.

"Are you okay? Ray, I'm sorry, I just th..." I cut him off with my lips.

I knew my control was almost over, the moment he started singing, for me, I would never be able to hold on anymore. Him running after me was the last straw. So I kiss him, I haven't kissed him in so long, I didn't think I would ever remember the taste of his lips but the moment his hands touch me it's like my body remembers exactly what to do.

Our lips connect together like puzzle pieces, his hands are on my waist, pushing me closer to him. My hands are in his hair, deepening the kiss. We are not fighting for dominance, instead letting ourselves go with the flow, but it still seems overwhelming, I can taste something salty, when I pull away I can see he's crying. We're both crying. Of happiness, of relief, nostalgia. We've been missing each other's lips, and bodies, for so long.

Instead of separating, our heads stay glued together, we're breathing the same air, content in each other's presence, lost in a single moment.

The next second we are kissing again, with way more strength than necessary, our tongues dancing together around our mouths, getting to know each other again, the movements we like, the taste of our mouths. It's so new and different, as it is old and something we are used to. I can't even remember how I survived so long without his lips on mine. I know I never want to do it again. I don't want to lose any other second.

"Let's go home." I follow him to the car, and we go to my apartment, where we can spend the night - and the rest of our lives - getting to know each other again.

What Akk doesn't know is that I am already home.

In his arms.

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Two chapters bc you deserve it !!! And we are almost at the end, two more chapters left.
I'll finish this next Saturday, promise!

🖤V☆