when love dies [akkayan]

choosing to live

Falling asleep on Mew's couch was surprisingly easy. After everything that had happened the night before, Ray was certain he wouldn't be able to sleep - or even if he was he would've been haunted by nightmares, making it impossible to rest properly. However, after crying for hours, comforted by a hug so foreign to his body, sleep found him, enveloped him in a warm embrace , and took him to the last of dreams, where he imagined a future, a better one, a happy one. Ray doesn't remember ever having good dreams, at least not without Akk. But those were more about vivid dreams, the idea of growing old together, traveling, maybe getting married, build a family.

Well, that wasn't possible anymore.

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Ray POV

I wake up to the smell of eggs, there's noises around the small apartment. Last night Mew was worried I wouldn't sleep well on the couch. I was worried he was a serial killer, actually. Don't even know what happened to me last night, I'm not someone who usually trusts people, but there's something about this guy, something that exhales peace and comfort.

Moving around a place that's not mine, wearing clothes that don't belong to me, I found myself in a small kitchen, looking at a guy I don't recognize - well, it seems that's kind of my thing now. 

"Oh good morning, I'm Top" the guy notices I'm right behind, and looks at me with a small smile on his face. He's tall, taller than me, probably around Akk's height, but that's about the only similarity. I don't know anyone named Top, but I'm invading someone else's place so he's probably Mew's friend or something.

Even though I don't know him, there's something in his eyes that mirrors what's been happening inside my head. I know this kind of pain, the kind that reflects so little of what happens inside, the one that kills the shine, replacing it with only emptiness, only darkness. Most people won't even notice it's there. The reason why so many people get away with being so close to take that last final step towards the edge of a cliff, it's so slim that the world doesn't notice unless they are actually paying attention. Unfortunately most human beings walk around not paying attention to anyone else. So it's easy to hide it behind a smile, an excuse, «i'm tired», «i couldn't sleep last night», «i've been worried about a test». I'm so familiar with excuses. They were such a big part of my life, sometimes making me forget what the truth actually was. 

I know that pain, the pain that's looking at me right now, in the eyes of the person standing at Mew's kitchen. It gets me wondering, is that why Mew could recognize the pain inside my eyes as well? 

Because truth be told, I've been slowly losing any will to do anything with my life for months, looking at myself in the mirror I knew what I looked like. None of my friends noticed, I mean Thua and Kan knew I was sad, but they never noticed to what extent. And Akk just didn't notice - but then again, lately he wouldn't notice anything about me.

"Are you okay?"

"Sorry, I...I got stuck inside my own mind for a second."

"I know the feeling". The guy - Top, he giggles, but it's not a happy giggle, it comes almost from a place of depreciation, like being stuck inside your own mind it's the worst thing that could happen to someone. I know what that feels like. 

"I'm sorry, Mew kind of took me in last night..." I try to change the subject. Looking at the sadness in his eyes makes me think about my own. I also feel like I have to justify myself, as far as I know this could also be his home, right?

"It's okay, I got home late last night but Mew gave me a heads up."

"Did he tell you what happened?"

"Just that you needed help" Top must see something in me. Maybe the way my shoulders tense up, or the way my eyes keep scanning everything around me but never really focus on him. "Don't worry, he would never break your privacy like that, one day, if you are ready maybe you can tell me yourself." He puts a hand on my shoulder, trying to reassure me on something, anything.