when love dies [akkayan]

what you don't know

Ray POV

Tomorrow Top is finally coming home, after six weeks of recovery, he's ready to face the world again. He's ready to be the best version of himself he can possibly be. I can't even put into words how proud I am of him. Or how much my life changed recently.

Akk has been at the rehab center everyday, and whenever me and Mew go there, we spend hours talking, the four of us. Seeing my old and my new life crashing like that should be weird, but it just feels warm. It's a happiness I'm not used to feeling anymore. Being with Akk again, smiling, joking around, laughing together, feels good. A feeling I never imagined I would feel again. I can't see myself getting back together, or trust him the same way but, being friends, or whatever we are right now feels enough for me.

I can see him restraining himself still. In the way he gets closer when I arrive but takes a step back, like he's not sure if he can really hug me or not. The way he touches my hand in the middle of a conversation and just flinches back like he realized what he was doing. I'm glad he does that, I don't think I could survive his hands on me. If I would just jump onto him, and give in. I'm not ready to give in.

I can see it in the way I keep drinking far more than I should. I always thought having Akk again would help with that problem but instead I think it's making it worse.

The idea of having him right there, but still so far away. And it's my fault, I know if I tried Akk would never tell me no, he would be up to getting back together at any moment. But I still can't trust him, and so I can't be in a relationship with him, not until I'm past what happened. So I blame myself, for having the love I've always wanted right in front of me, but never having the courage to reach for it.

And I drink. You can't blame yourself if you can't feel.

Mew is worried, even Nick and Cheum have noticed. Someone always has to drive me home at the end of a night out because I can't even stay up on my feet.

I know they are worried. I still don't stop. I ran away to focus on myself, to learn how to put myself first, to improve my mental health. One of those things I did well - too well apparently. I put myself up front so much I can't even trust Akk again. My mental health however is just going down the drain.

It doesn't help that I keep going back to Akk's old texts. Ever since that day, I fished for my old phone and I've been reading them like a book every night.

I love you.

I miss you.

Please forgive me.

I dropped out of uni today.

I can't sleep without your hoodie.

Please don't ever kill yourself.

I love you Aye.

You are my entire world.

They are basically derivations of the same feeling, and little updates about his life. But they tell me a story, a story about Akk's life, his life without me to be more precise. Something about it kills a piece of me everytime I read the texts.

But that doesn't matter anymore. What matters is Top comes out tomorrow. And he's finally going to meet the boys. They are all coming over for dinner. My old friends, my new ones. Top, Mew, Nick, Cheum, Kan, Wat, Thua, and Akk. My Akk. We are all having dinner together. Not at my place because I honestly don't want to have Akk over yet, but we are going out, and then we are going to Y.O.L.O. And it's going to be a good night. We are all going to have fun.

Akk will probably find out I drink now, and sometimes I smoke. And he's gonna nag at me about it. Running is not an option anymore. I wanted this, I wanted my two worlds to collide. I still want to be Ray - perhaps I can have both.

The dinner went better than expected, everyone went along pretty well. Kan didn't punch Akk, which is a plus. It has probably a lot to do with me and Thua making him promise not to. And Akk has been talking to them again lately so he probably explained himself. Mew and Top were on good terms with Akk as well. For Nick and Cheum they were all my friends from my old university. They didn't know about the rest, but that was actually a good thing, they could all get along and bond over all the things they had in common.

I felt so happy, until we got to the bar and everything took a turn for the worse.

"You drink now?" Akk at least got closer to me, and whispered, instead of calling me out in front of everyone. Somehow, Nick still listened.

"You should see just how much."

All of my new friends' eyes fell on him, urging him to stop talking. And my old friends just stared at me. I don't have an extra head growing, but from the look on their faces I sure would think so.

"Ay-Ray you shouldn't." Nice save there, Akk, or do you want to tell everyone about our entire story right at this moment?

"There's a lot people shouldn't do, but they do it anyway."

"Ray, I'm serious..." He tries to snatch the glass away from me but I won't let him. I drink the all thing in one go, get up and go to the counter, where I keep drinking.

I can feel their eyes on me. They are most likely talking about me, Akk is asking Top and Mew a million questions. And they are telling him how wasted I get every single weekend. How I'm a burden to everyone, how I end up ruining their nights because they always end up babysitting me. I can feel myself getting tipsy, more than. But I also don't stop.

Why the hell did I ever suggest this night out? I knew it was a bad idea. I knew it would bite me in the ass. Now I'm in the middle of an impossible situation, where I put myself.

From the corner of my eye, I see Akk approaching me. I don't have the patience for this right now. I sprint around him and go outside where I lit up my cigarette and lean back against the wall.

"You smoke too?"

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Akk"

I try to push past himself again but my feet fail me. I lose my balance. Shit I'm way more drunk than I thought. Akk catches me, I can feel his arms around me, pulling me towards him. I wanna push him away, but I can't. I'm too tired. Too drunk. Too sad. Too angry.

I just let him keep pulling me. I don't even know where we are going. But I feel myself trusting him enough not to even care. When I feel my body leaning onto the car seat I let myself drift to sleep. Falling asleep is always so easy with Akk by my side.

Akk POV

Fuck, how bad did I mess up? Aye. Ray. I really need to push myself to use his new name. The one he chose for him. He's been drinking, apparently too much, passing out in the middle of the bar every weekend. Smoking too. While taking all his meds. I knew he was bad, never thought it was this bad.

I need to help him. Even if it still kills me everytime he refers to me as his friend. Even if all I want is to hold him and kiss him every time.

I drink too, on social occasions, when we are out, it comes with the age I guess. But when it comes to Ray it's a problem. Not just because of his meds, but because he's been overdoing it.

This can't keep happening. There has to be something I can do.

For now I'm taking him to my place. He can sleep there, and I cant ake care of him.

Tomorrow I will try to find out what to do.

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we're almost at the end ❤️❤️❤️ any guesses on what's gonna happen at Akk's place???
🖤V☆