when love dies [akkayan]

new friend?

Akk POV

If I'm being honest I'm starting to feel like a stalker. I'm aware, as a volunteer, my job is to care about patients, help them if they need to, talk to them and make sure they don't feel so alone. But lately I've been focused on the tall patient from the bench. The one who always sits in the same place, and always has the same visit. The guy who looks exactly like Aye.

He's been coming to see Top everyday - I've recently forced myself to learn his name. They are most likely boyfriends. I mean, what other explanation is there? The guy shows up every day, sometimes for a half an hour visit, and they just talk and laugh together.

I refuse to let myself believe it's actually Aye. That would mean he has been close to me all this time, which means I didn't search well enough - or he really doesn't want me to find him. It would also mean he has a new boyfriend. Someone who makes him smile, who makes him laugh. The way I used to do. Someone better than me, stronger than me, who had the courage to ask for help, to come to this place so he could get better. So that he could make AYe - my Aye - happy.

That's why I tell myself it is not him, everyday when he comes. I've been spending the last couple weeks lying to myself probably, convincing my mind that the boy in front of me, the boy I've been stalking, it's not the same one I'm in love with. The same one I've been desperate to find.

On a saturday afternoon it's when I finally decide to put an end to my stupidity. Also because Not AYe - yeah that's what I'm gonna calm him - didn't show up to visit Top today. So the guy is totally alone. Still sitting on the same bench. He has access to his phone now and I can see he's texting someone. I approach him anyway.

"Hey there." He slowly lifts his head up. Upon seeing me his smile kinda dies a little, I'm sure he was waiting for someone else - Not Aye, maybe, definitely. "I'm sorry, I saw you alone today and I just thought..."

"You can sit down if you want" He recovers quickly actually, suddenly there's a smile on his face again.

"Thanks, I'm Akk, I do volunteering here." In my head I'm facepalming myself. Of course he probably already knows that, I've been here for a while. I guess ignoring everyone in the world lowered my social skills.

He giggles, so that's not so bad. I guess.

"I'm Top..." Silence. "Thanks for joining me, it was getting kinda lonely."

I did something good it seems.

"You're very welcome, no visitors today?" What I really wanna know is if the guy is actually his boyfriend...or maybe if Not Aye is coming so I can look at him some more. Pathetic I know.

"Ray has this project...they are remodeling a hostel for uni. He couldn't come today." Ray, so the guy is really not Ayan. That's good, right? It means Ayan is not dating Top.

It also means I still have no idea where Ayan is.

"Oh I'm sorry...I can make you company..I mean I'm sure you'd prefer him but..." Why the hell are you stuttering Akk??

"No, it's fine, you seem cool. Thanks."

"You are very welcome...So Ray..." It still stings, even if the guy is not my Aye, he looks so much like him. IT made me imagine what would be like if Aye decided to actually move on with his life, would I be able to face it? To see him love someone else? "He seems great..."

Yes, I'm still fishing for information, still. Sue me.

"He's amazing...he's actually the reason I'm here..."

"How's that?"

SIlence, again. Way to go Akk, this was actually going well.

"I'm so sorry, you don't have to..."