when love dies [akkayan]

bigfoot

Ray POV

Finally, after over a month, Mew finally decides to visit Top. It wasn’t easy to convince, but it’s what needs to be done. Mew loves Top, and Top loves Mew.

And none of them gave up on the other yet. Hell, the only reason why Top even agreed to go to rehab, why he showed up at my door that night was because of Mew. If their relationship wasn’t at stake he would have never even considered banging on my door, asking me for the help I offered weeks prior. I honestly thought he had forgotten about it.

I know now Mew gave him an ultimatum, which honestly I don’t blame him for. It’s not easy to see the person you love the most in the world destroying their lives, giving something - or someone - the power to kill them. I know the feeling. Back at Supalo, the hardest part was seeing how Teachor Chadok and everything about the curse, the monitors, and the pressure, affected Akk. I saw how it was eating him inside, the fear, the sadness, the anger, the constant feeling of disappointment and never being enough. I saw him wasting away, getting closer and closer to the limit. And I was afraid, every second of the day, just waiting for him to jump off that roof, at any given moment. Akk was standing on the ledge, any gust of wind could’ve pushed over. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was seeing that. God knows how many times I felt like giving up, how many times I lost my strength and I just wished to end it all. But I couldn't . I wouldn't. Because I loved him.

Mew loves Top, and he’s been trying to save him ever since the moment he found out about the drugs. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t realize they have a problem, or doesn’t want help. And eventually it became too much for Mew. I understand the feeling as well. BEing with Akk, at uni, became too much for me as well. I was desperately trying to keep afloat, fighting with all I had, but still fighting alone. That was way more than I could handle. That’s the reason why I left. So I understand Mew. Too well. More than I wish I would.

I also understand Top. I was Top, at one point in my life. Back when my uncle died, I also refused to get help. I pushed everyone away, I was angry, I was sad and I believed there was nothing else good to live by. That’s how I ended up at Supalo, the only important part of me being alive was to avenge him. It drove my mom crazy, I know she lived terrified every day, afraid I too would end up the same way. The only reason why I pushed back was because I had people helping me get back up. So that’s what I became for Top.

I can be friends with both of them, and I can help them both. Not only to get better and to be happy, but to end up together. Like they are supposed to.

That’s why I’ve been nagging Mew every day. And he finally gave in. He misses Top. Top misses him. It’s a win-win situation. I’m sure as soon as they lock eyes, Mew will just run into his arms and forget he was ever made in the first place.

As soon as we get to the rehab center, Mew widens his eyes and stares at me the entire time I’m parking.

“Wait, isn’t here where you went to uni?”

“Yap.”

“The same place your ex lives?” I nod. “You ran away from here…” Another nod. “This is the place where you tried to kill youself Ray.”

“It’s also the best rehab center in the area.”

Mew seems to be considering his next word. I know he wants to ask about Akk, if I saw him by any chance. Or if I’m okay…

“Look Mew, you don’t have to worry about me okay? I’ve been coming here for weeks now. I’m better, thanks to you. You saved my life, your boyfriend needed help, this is the best place for that…it’s the least I can do for you.”

“You don’t have to repay anything to m…”

“I know, I did it because I wanted to.”

He's analyzing, searching for any lies or discomfort, but I know he won’t find it. I’m in a better place. Mew knows I’ve been talking to my old friends again. My life is going towards a direction where I want it to go. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to face Akk, or if I’ll ever stop being scared of seeing him in every corner. But for now, I’m fine, I’m happy - or at least happier than I was. Plus, there’s also only a couple weeks left and I can stop coming here every day.

As soon as we get inside the rehab center, the nurse tells me Top is in the garden and let's us inside. I can feel Mew tensing up by my side, but I know that will change as soon as he sees his boyfriend.

While we are approaching Top, I can see Mew is holding back tears in his eyes. Top has his head down, focusing on some book. He’s been reading a lot since he’s been here. It’s pretty much all he’s been doing really, apart from talking to me - and his new friend, some volunteer that’s been helping him. Top doesn’t talk a lot about him, but I know he has been a good influence, a good listener. I’m thankful for it, no matter who he is.

I know Top is waiting for me, as usual, but he is not waiting for Mew. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to get his hopes up. I was working hard to convince Mew obviously, but there was still the chance of him saying no or backing out at the last minute. MAybe a heads up could have been nice, I don’t even know if Top needed to prepare. But he’s been asking for him ever since he first was free for visits, so I’m around 99 percent sure this is a good plan.

When Top first looked up, he was already smiling, like he always did when I got here. LIke this was the highlight of his day. After just a few seconds his eyes focused on Mew, and his eyes filled with tears. In a swing movement, he got up and took Mew on his arms. Mew immediately hugged him right back.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…I love you, I love you so so much, I promise I will never leave you again okay? I promise I’m sorry…”

Top was crying, Mew was crying. But they were holding each other, and Top was giving him little kisses all over his face. and at that very moment I believed everything could be okay. I also felt a little like a third wheel, but I brought that on myself.

We all took a seat right there. I offered to leave, so they could be alone but they both insisted I stayed. An intermediary perhaps, if things got too overwhelming?

And they definitely did. But in the best way.

Top explained to Mew his reasons, about why he stayed here that day. He was scared to lose his nerve if he decided to go home. Top felt like if he hadn't checkin in on that same day, he would never come back here again. They talked about how they wanted to be better for each other, Top making promises of never doing drugs again, never disappointing Mew again, never leaving. And Mew promised to stay by his side, too keep helping him in every way possible.

It was kind of magical to see. I was afraid this could end up in disaster. Instead I think I won’t be coming alone to this visit anymore.

We had been there for a while when something caught Top’s eyes. He had been talking about a volunteer who became his friend for a while now, but I never had the chance to meet him. For some reason whenever I was here, the guy never was.

“AKK!! Come here.”

As soon as I heard that name all my senses came to life. I lifted my head to where Top was signaling to and just held my breath. At the same moment, Mew reached out for my hand, because he knew. He knew what that name meant to me. What that person meant to me.

It couldn't be, right? The guy Top has been telling me about?

Top told about how they bonded over their fears and their insecurities. How they both had a boyfriend who did everything for them, who tried to save them in every way possible. But the way Top talks about this guy, it seems that he’s still in love with a boyfriend who left him after getting hurt. SO it can’t be. Because Akk - my Akk - he doesn’t love me anymore. He didn’t when I left, and he certainly doesn't now.

However, as soon as the guy turns around, my world stops. A river replaced my eyes, and there’s teas running freely. I can’t breathe, I can’t think. His eyes fall on mine, and I can see is trying to force himself not to cry. I don’t have that kind of strength anymore.

“Bigfoot…”

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am I an horrible person for ending it right here??? hehehe sorry
🖤V☆