when love dies [akkayan]

my biggest fear

Akk POV

It's Friday night, and I can't sleep. Ever since Thua came to ask me about Ayan, I can't stop thinking about what may have happened. Is he okay? When he ran away I just assumed he went home, at least it seemed like the most logical thing. 

I still don't understand why Aye would ask me if I still love him. He's my boyfriend, what kind of question is even that? He has to know how I feel, he always does, ever since we met, he always knew exactly what I felt, there was no hiding. 

So why can't I sleep? Everytime I close my eyes, I see his face, the way he was looking at me when he opened the bathroom door, I don't think I ever saw that look in his eyes, I can't even place what that may be. And Thua ignored me the entire day, running away every time I even tried to get close to him. He didn't even tell me if he got an hold of Ayan, isn't that something he should tell me? I'm the boyfriend. 

The truth is I didn't text him either, didn't call. What if he breaks up with me? What if that's what the look meant? What if he finally got tired of me? Maybe he realized staying behind with me was a mistake, giving up on his dreams for us was the wrong move. Maybe he resents me now, just like I always thought he would. Was that the end? Was that our end?

I can't sleep. So I get up, for some reason the only place I can think of is the cliff, that damn cliff where Teacher Dika took his own life. The same one where Aye used to go whenever he felt alone or needed to be close to his uncle. Maybe he went there after the nightmare. 

Why is he having nightmares again anyway? He hasn't had one in months, did something happen and he didn't tell me?

Was Aye getting worse again? Is the medication not working anymore?

I feel my heart beating faster and faster the closer I get to the cliff. What if things got bad for him again? What if I didn't notice? He wouldn't do it, right? He always asked me not to kill myself, made me promise to get help, to not disappear. He wouldn't do the one thing he always stopped me from doing. Right? 

Or wrong? 

Fuck.

He's not here. 

I should feel relieved.

But his jacket is lying on the ground.

The same jacket he always wears, he gave me one that looks exactly the same, our couple jackets like he wants to call them. 

Why is the jacket here?

That must mean he also was, but why would he let the coat behind?

Unless...

No, he wouldn't. He couldn't. He can't have jumped. 

No...no...no...this is just a bad dream, a misunderstanding. 

"AYAN AYAN WHERE ARE YOU" 

I'm screaming at the wind, there's no one here. Ayan is not here. 

I can feel the tears rolling down my face, my knees give out and I collapse at the floor, still holding the jacket, still screaming his name. 

And there, on the same edge from where he jumped, I let myself cry, Iet myself scream for him. The person I love, the only one I've ever loved. He saved my life so many times, and I couldn't even notice how much my boyfriend was suffering. 

How could I not see it? How did it get so bad? Did Ayan stop loving me? Was I making him sad?

Is this my fault? Because I stopped him from following his dreams? Because I didn't want to come out?