when love dies [akkayan]

my fault

Ray POV

I wake up to the smell of eggs and bacon. In a bed I don't even recognize. Adjusting my eyes to the light I'm in a room, dressed in different clothes from the ones I wore last night. I don't remember changing, I don't even remember how I got here. Top and Mew wouldn't change my clothes. They never did all the other times. They just take my jacket off and let me sleep, normally in my own bed where they would drive me after the bar. Istead, whoever took care of me dressed me, and cleaned me up apparently. Wait, I know these clothes. They are mine. I haven't seen them in a long time but I'm certain they are mine.

The last thing I remember, I was outside Y.O.L.O. arguing with Akk. Is it where I am?

Getting up I start to scan the place. It's small, there's the bed where I slept, a door I assume it's the bathroom and a little kitchen at the corner. Where Akk is cooking. So my assumption was right, I'm at Akk's. Akk brought me home and helped me, even after the way I treated him. Can he stop making me fall more and more in love with him? He's making it very hard playing this hard to get thing.

He doesn't seem to notice I'm up, probably cooking with his airpods on. Some habits don't die. So I take my time looking around. My hoodie is on the bed, the same one I used to wear everyday, the one I left behind on the cliff. I remember him saying something about not sleeping without it. There's boxes all over the floor, some have clothes poking out of them. I notice some of those clothes are mine. I had clothes back at our dorm, Is there any chance he has them
? I never even considered what would happen to it. I know Akk left uni, so he had to leave the dorms too. This is where he has been living. There's pictures of us all over the walls, some of them I don't even remember taking or having them so he most likely had them printed. There are some of me sleeping. This seems more like our dorm than his home. I'm everywhere. I thought I was the one hanging on to memories, wishing for something that wasn't there anymore. Turns out Akk has been doing the same.

When I get closer to him, I have to fight the urge to just hug him from behind, lean my chin up on his shoulder, kiss his neck. I touch his shoulder instead, calling out for his attention.

"Sit down, breakfast is almost ready." He's not looking at me. I know I was too drunk last night, I know I was an idiot, I don't remember exactly what I said but I probably hurt him. Why do I feel so guilty? I shouldn't feel this way, right? Am I holding on to a grudge I shouldn't have anymore. Can I really trust him again? Does he really care?

"Are you mad at me?"

He puts two plates of food in front of us, sits next to me, and just starts eating. Still not looking at me, not talking either.

"Akk please..."

"What do you want me to say? You are drinking Aye, too much may I add..."

"My name is Ray." Again, that's what I choose to focus on. I guess it's an easier topic.

"Whatever, not the point."

"So you are mad.."

"Yes"

"I'm sorry..." He shakes his head, like he's denying whatever I'm saying.

"I'm mad at myself, Ray."

"Why? It was my choice to drink, you never forced me."

"No, but I left you. I keep saying you left me, but I know you felt alone long before that. You are drinking because you felt lonely, because you were alone, and hurt, and angry. It's my fault, I'm mad because I did that to you."

"It was still my choice, Akk, I could have done anything else. I chose to drink."

"Can you be honest with me?" I nod my head, can't trust my voice to speak right now. The tears are already threatening to fall. "How bad is it?"

I chuckle. If I tell him the truth he's gonna hate himself even more. If I lie he's gonna know. Because he knows me, I'm done with lies.

"It's been getting worse, after seeing you again. Wait, let me finish please." I'm already crying, and halfway there, might as well keep going. "It started because I couldn't stop thinking about you, drinking made it more bearable because I couldn't think about anything. But then I had you back in my life, I thought I was gonna get better but you were there and at the same time you weren't. And I know you wanted to be and I wasn't ready. Still don't think I am, so I started to blame myself and just drank more. So it's worse but it's still not your fault."

There's a long silence between us, while we both eat. I didn't realize I was so hungry until I started eating.

"Let me help you." I can tell he notices how confused I am because he adds. "I know you don't want to get back together, but let me help you, let me be by your side. You don't have to feel guilty about me, Ray, I destroyed us, it's completely normal not to trust me yet, I don't expect you to, but let me help you."

When did Akk became the emotions specialist in this relationship?

"How?"

"Let me be there for you. I'm not gonna forbid you from smoking, not yet...but let's stop the drinking, just call me, whenever you feel like drinking you call me okay? And I'll join you whenever you go out, we'll get through this together, can I ask you that?"

"Yes." It's an easier answer than I thought. Maybe trusting Akk is not that hard after all. "We can do that."

After that, we continue to eat in silence. But it's a comfortable one now.

Maybe I can actually do this. It's my turn to ask for help. Akk is offering.

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🖤V☆