when love dies [akkayan]

a different path

Ray POV

from Akk:

Aye, where are you?

I've spent the last six months, at uni, waiting for something, anything, from Akk. A sign that it was still worth fighting for us. And this entire time I got nothing. Even now, it took him four days to finally say something. Thua probably already talked to my mom, which means he told Akk I left. So Akk is just texting me because he know I'm gone.

He's he texting me out of guilt? Or is it because he cares?

Why would he even want to know where I am?

I choose to ignore it. Actually I chose to get a new number, if I'm starting a new life that makes the most sense. Still I don't have the courage to disconnect the old one, so I'll just let it be. Leave Thua's texts and calls unanswered and ignoring Akk, maybe with time things can get easier, maybe one day I'll finally have the guts to talk to him, maybe even be friends. Who knows?

Next monday I will start my new life, that's what I should be focused on. My future. I need to leave the past behind, unfortunately that also means leaving Akk.

Leaving Akk back home, alone, not knowing where I am or what I'm even doing. And now leaving him in this old phone, inside a suitcase packed with the clothes my mom brought. That's what my life is right now, a suitcase, dropped on the floor of a new friend's, while I sleep on his couch until I can finally find a place of my own.

My mom came by yesterday, she brought my things and dinner, she hugged me and she cried. And she thanked Mew for saving her son's life, I think that's a debt she will never forget even though Mew keeps telling her she does never have to thank him, that he would do it over again in a heartbeat. And I know he would. In the short time I've known him, I'm still certain he would.

Starting university, especially in a new place where you don't know anyone is always hard, but for me it's about more than just starting uni, it's about starting over, it's about moving on. Why is it always so hard to move forward? Back when my depression started getting really bad, people always told me the hardest part was to actually ask for help and make the decision to accept the help. Well, if I can adopt the same mindset here, I already asked for the help, I already chose to change, so the first step is taken. Why do I feel everything is about to get so much worse before I finally get my happiness? Where does this fear come from? I have a world full of possibilities right in front of me, and I'm still stuck on every possible what if . It honestly makes me feel crazy.

It's a good thing I have Mew, I don't think I would be strong enough to even start school again if I didn't. Still, the first days are hell.

I had never realized how much my own name meant to me, until I found myself not answering to Ray during classes, acting like people weren't even talking to me. It's a good thing Mew told me to disclose everything about my depression and my anxiety when I started, at least the teachers believe that me not paying attention has something to do with that, instead of the fact I just chose a new name for me a week ago.

I just hope somewhere along the way things can get better.

For now, classes and projects await me. I still need to graduate.

Since everyone is already paired up in groups for their final project - and no one knows me, Mew offers me a place in his group, with his friends - Nick and Cheum. They are renovating a hostel or something, as far as I could tell.

Well, at least I will get to meet new people, and I'll have something to keep my mind occupied.

When the weekend comes around, Mew invites me to go to this local bar with the group, where they usually hang. It seemed like a good idea, a brilliant one, the chance to get some fun, to forget about everything.

About Akk, and all the texts he keeps sending. Apparently just one wasn't enough, Akk has been texting me everyday of the week, I don't reply obviously, but I can't help but fish my old phone every night just to check if he's still trying. He keeps saying he misses me, and begging for me to come back or to talk to him. But what am I supposed to do? Just believe him? After everything I went through? As far as I know, he's just feeling guilty and everything would go back to the way it has been.

Being at the bar - Y.O.L.O. It's fun, at first. Until I start noticing all the couples, dancing together, kissing, holding each other, laughing. And I can't stop but imagine if it was me and Akk instead, if we were still together, still happy.

And because I still don't know how to deal with that, I do the first thing I can think of. I drink.

And keep drinking.

For no reason at all, but the mere burn sensation on my throat, because while my throat burns, my heart doesn't.

And it doesn't last, obviously, so I keep drinking.

I don't think I've ever been this drunk, but at the moment I can't even keep my head straight, let alone think.

And for a while there's no Akk, there's no pain, there's no darkness.

Every empty part of me is filled with alcohol. It's not healthy, but maybe it could be enough.

The next thing I remember I'm waking up on an unfamiliar couch. Again. How ironic is my life really? My head hurts, my body feels heavy. Maybe drinking wasn't such a good idea after all. What does it matter if it works for a while if this is how I'm gonna feel after I sleep it off? Is it even worth it?

Opening my eyes slowly, adjusting to the light around me, for a moment I think I'm still sleeping - and dreaming, or hallucinating. Because next to me, hunched over a table there's Top, snoring a line of what I can only assume is drugs, probably coke. I've never seen anyone doing it in front of me, but I've seen enough movies to know what it looks like. Does Mew know?

Am I even someone who should judge him right now? Here I am, with the worst hangover ever, after drinking myself into oblivion, even though I'm taking strong meds for depression and anxiety. The mix between my meds and alcohol alone could kill me, and I overdid it by a lot tonight.

"Top, what are you doing?

I can see that I startled him, probably wasn't expecting to wake up.

"You can talk to me if you want, I won't tell anyone." I won't tell Mew, that's the part I don't say. Even if Mew saved my life, there's some things that are not supposed to be said. And of course if this is really a problem then I want Mew to know, but it's Top's story to tell, not mine. Just like Mew didn't tell him about mine.

"It's okay, Mew has known for over a week. He found out on the day he brought you home actually." OH so is that why he was out there on the cliff as well? Did he need a place where he could think maybe? "He asked me to quit, and I want to, I really do, but I don't even know where to start."

He's crying, and I don't know if I'm at a place where I could hug him, so I put my hand on his shoulder and let him cry for a while. He seems to need it, ever since the day I met him I can see the emptiness in his eyes. Yesterday I tried to fill mine up with alcohol, I can see this is his way of trying to fill his own.

"Look, I can't tell you I get what's happening with you, but if you need help, just ask okay? Whenever you're ready, I will help you."

Top doesn't talk for a while, after a few minutes he gets up and moves towards the door.

"Yo will close up in a while, she let you sleep here for a while but you should probably go home." Yeah right, so this place is still at the bar, I'm in some back room probably. Time to go home, not my home but a home. I really need to find my own place.

"Sure, let's go..."

"Top, the hardest part is asking for help."

And then we go home, to sleep. Because we both need it.

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🖤V☆