People.

twenty three

Healing consist also of the random moments of grief, when you thought you were over that. You think you were prepared, but it still hurts. You may fell the need to cry once more. Then you pray and it's better, you try not to focus on overthinking the thing, hoping it'll be better at some point.

Friends break hearts too.

Life goes on but maybe I won't be the same again?

I was fourteen when you first broke me and despite my nineteenth birthday, deep inside I'm still fourteen. Someone I explained my pain to and who knew majority of my wounds. Someone I would call my sister I never had.

Or, in other words, I'm going to Michelle's party and Rose is going to be there. I'm preparing myself mentally for sitting among people I don't know that well, but we can manage, right?

***
As I'm walking with Michelle, Rose goes the other way. At first I don't really notice it's her, but it hits me, when she speaks.

- Hello! - she throws the words in the air and something inside me cracks.

- Hi. - I answer, most neutrally I think I could. But it's when we all sit down, when I take a closer look at my ex best friend.

She didn't change much. It's been months and I'm aching. I see she has some more rings and earrings she always wanted; I feel my heart breaking - we're never going to share happy moments again, I'm never gonna be someone she goes to, when something amazing happens and vice versa. We won't go for a walk around the neighborhood, or sing our lungs out to the same album we know by heart. We're not going to discuss, how much some things in human behavior irritate us or watch the same thing for the hundredth time, just to get excited about it.

When I had my love for Maxwell, Leo literally said "guys, one day we'll be an uncle and the aunts!", and while I was walking around the store with Rose, she showed me a cream rose pink dress, laughing "Hey, that's something I'd wear as your bridesmaid!" But now we can't even look at each other.

Sometimes I'd be sitting there and thinking how I'm never gonna tell her about something or be happy with her about a thing that made us smile. I'm never gonna sing the song we know by heart the same way. But I'm more than grateful for the years we had, God blessed me so much. Maybe it's a new chapter that's approaching.

Maybe that's why I feel so attacked and I can't go a day without something inside condemning me or trapping me into something I'd never say, and never said, either about my Lord or my family. Cause about thoughts hitting me I wouldn't care that much. It started after the friendship breakup and some time before I applied for the exchange program, so something big is happening. I need to stay strong.

These are trials after what we come out stronger. Our faith builds. And even the sorrow after loosing friends is nothing, cause I have my Lord by my side and when I walk the gate to eternity, I'll meet Him in Heaven, this is my joy.

We're loved even on the days our hearts have nothing to clothe itself with.

***
I watch the rainbow as the car rushes through the highway. We're coming home from a weekend trip and I can't wait to be home. I saw so many small details that can't be coincidences.

I'm scared of rainstorm, but then I hear a calm song in the headphones and the rain slowly stops.

I'm looking for some parts of myself that I haven't seen in a bit, I know that this Pauline is still somewhere inside. The more I look within myself, the more wounds I see.

Maxwell is my bittersweet memory, while Rose is the cut that still bleeds and it's like sugar. I can't ever ask for help, if the situation isn't really, really tough. I never ask for money. I don't like eating in front of others. Being my simple self is difficult, not being without the mask of the "chill, happy Paula that's always laughing kindly". Even though I love somebody, I can't say it out loud, I'm very cuddly, emotional and clingy, but I can't show affection, especially with words. If I hug you first, you're special, but I won't do that not knowing you too well, cause I'd be worried that it's too much or some people just don't like physical touch.

I've realized that, though I adore hugs, I'm, at some moments, depending on the context, very irritated by anyone touching me. If you want to correct my position on a machine in the gym, inside I'd be like "don't even come too close". If you're a male, then forget anything other than hello and goodbye hugs. If you touch my shoulder, I can feel the blood running in my veins. And there's no big reason for that. My boundaries have been always crossed like a thin line, so I can't say anything, when someone's bothering me. Then I get mad, I have a breakdown, cry and get back to the start.