Mute love

Adoration

I am just doing nothing except waiting for him, he replied my texts with “ Don't worry, I will be back in couple of hours ”

Couple of hours??

A sigh escaped from my mouth as I scanned the clock hanging on the wall which labelled five thirty in the evening. It's been three hours since he left.
I am scared, should I call him?
Or should I wait??

Maybe I should wait. He must be at his workplace. I am thinking too much. Convincing myself not to worry I made my way towards my room in order to change my clothes. It's uncomfortable to sit like this.

I opened my cupboard to take some clothes, and then something struck my mind like a bomb, we are married, now he is my husband so now I will have to live in his room, right??
Obviously.
That's not even a question!
My cheeks heated up at the thought of sharing room with him.
Suddenly I felt nervous, I have never been in his room, I don't know what it looks like. It would be awkward, right??
But why??
He is my husband, I am his wife, officially.
Stop it Anshu, nothing is going to be awkward. Everything will be fine.
Though we didn't talk about this topic before, I am obviously living in his room today onwards. I should check it once. I should take a look where I am going to stay. There is nothing wrong about it. I am just curious and it's normal.
_______

After changing into some comfy clothes I started walking towards his room with heavy steps. Am I doing wrong by going there without his permission??
But he won't mind, right??
Obviously he won't. After all it's our room now.
Come on, don't over think on stupid topic
I twisted the door knob and opened it wide with a swing.
Finally, I am here.
His room smells so nice, just like him.

I exhaled with satisfaction on my face. His room literally smells like him. Sweet, bold, hot.
I scanned the room slowly and as I started processing things my heart started aching.
My smile faded when I saw what his room looked like.
Suddenly my idea of moving in here sounds ridiculous to me.
I can't try to make his room mine when it's not even his own.
It's not his room, here every corner scream the name of it's owner. I already know whom it belongs to.
Soumya’s pictures on the wall says it all. Her stuff which is still kept on his dressing table says it all. Her photo frame on the night stand says it all.
There is no sign of him, but her, everything belongs to her, and unfortunately Aditya too.
It's bitter but true.
I already knew she was his first love still everything feels like shattering down harshly. I never imagined his room to look like this. Never.
It's common to have someone's picture in room but this is too much. There is no corner where she isn't there . Literally every inch of wall is covered with her photos. Every fucking inch. Normal people don't keep walls like this.

I never thought about this before, he can't be completely mine, he is already claimed by her.
This hurts, this hurts as hell.
My heart ache, my eyes hurt, they are burning after watching the sight in front of me. If he didn't remove all those things, it means he never thought about moving me here, or sharing his room with me.

I don't know why but I want to cry. This sound kiddish but I want to cry loudly, I am jealous, I am so jealous.
It hurts thinking even though he married me, he is still into her. He still loves her and the fact is he would never love me the way he loved her. I would never be his priority, I am always an option.
I already knew all this from the start, so why am I surprised?
It's not like he kept me in the dark about his past, I knew everything but still it feels like I was stupid to do what I did today. Was marrying him a mistake?
We should have waited until he is completely over her.

My vision got blurry and I felt salty water on my cheeks. Maybe it is stupid reason to get sad but I am hurt by this. I knew he loves her but I wasn't aware he is just so obsessed with her. And the truth is if he loves her so much he will never try to love me. Even if he tries, that's not going to work.
He might not say that but it's a fact. It's impossible to erase her. Not his fault but I can't digest it. Especially when I thought he was falling for me. But it was a delusional world.