Good Luck Anna

Sorry

All of my limb's ache awfully when I finally wake sleeping on this cramped chair was a clear error on my part but the thought of being out of arms reach of Alex is too difficult to bear. He is in such a horrendous state I'm terrified that they will take him from me.

He's all I have left no one is taking him from me. Ever.

Alex is in the same position I found him in yesterday a fresh plate of untouched food before him. Still in a deep staring competition with the wall.

"Alex sweetheart, you need to eat" I stand to help but he doesn't even register my voice, trapped within his own mind once again.

The sight of his porridge slop turns my stomach, so I honestly don't blame him for rejecting it. I peel the banana breaking off a piece popping it into my mouth, it feels like gritty sand on my tongue.

Bolting to the bathroom I lose the banana then spend the next five minutes dry heaving until my heavy body slumps to the ground, where I cry for hours.

Lunch is delivered and thankfully they don't notice me curled up in the bathroom, I want nothing more than to crawl into bed next to Alex like I used to do when I had a nightmare when we were kids but just looking at me sends him into a downward spiral, so I just stay on the floor drowning in pain.

I finally cry myself dry dragging my weak trembling body off the floor. When I enter the room, I'm stunned that it's dark out. I lay there all day.

My seat is soft as a cloud surrounding me in comparison to the cold floor. Wrapping my hand with Alex's I try to rub some heat into his freezing fingers while finding myself slipping back into the foetal position burying my face into my knees.

The door opens and I just assume that it's the nurse making sure we are still alive but a familiar shuffling forces my head to lift. When I meet Edward's eyes my previously sandpaper dry tear ducts instantly fill and over spill.

Edwards usual thin stature looks almost frail, he has thick bags under his grey eyes the little hair he has left is in complete disarray. He looks heartbroken.

I had hoped an adult would be able to help me make sense of this, that they would have words of wisdom that somehow would get me though this vacuum of agony, Edwards crushed expression just confirms that we are all fucked none of us are getting out of this unscarred.

Vaulting myself out of the chair I stumble into Edwards arms. He may look frail, but his grip is strong around my back as I literally scream into his chest when I finally stop, we are both crumpled on the ground crying brutally into one and other.

"I'm sorry" Edward and I both jerk our heads toward Alex who is crying equally as hard as us on the bed. It takes milliseconds for us to react launching ourselves at Alex wrapping him in our arms.

It's clear nothing I say will be of any use to Alex's decimated mental state but thankfully Edward does "Alexander I don't want to hear you apologise for this ever again, I have looked over the documents and nothing you could have done would made any difference to the resulting accident, there hasn't been a storm like that here since the seventies. The barriers weren't remotely adequate to deal with a motorcycle crash never mind anything larger. You are not at fault; I need you to believe me Alexander" his voice is so sincere, I love him for trying to help ease Alex's guilt even if I know it's pointless.

The next week passes much the same Alex doesn't eat, talk or sleep with each passing day I grow less and less optimistic that he will ever return to us.

Currently Edward and I are watching him valiantly fight sleep like a toddler, he is close to passing out. Which means I get to listen to him screaming for mum again and I'd rather walk naked through hell than hear that again.

Alex's head slumps forward and Edward catches him before he has the chance to face plant the bed, easing Alex back into the pillows. I start chewing my nails knowing it's only a matter of time before the nightmares claim him again.

"I am sure Alexander will be better this time. Sleep will do him the world of good" Edward has such a confident tone I almost believe him but then that scream echos in my head and I know that there is no way will have recovered from that in a week. Even Alex seems aware of this since he has fought sleep for so long.

"You didn't hear him last week Edward, it was like a sound ripped straight from the pits of hell" my voice catches and I quickly blink away tears. His hand rubs my back lightly he looks like he wants to say more but both our eyes are drawn to movement on the bed.

Alex is still asleep but his chest looks like he is being pulled upwards, he flops limply back to the bed before his hand starts rapidly twitching. Edward stands but I'm frozen trying to prepare for what comes next. "Muuummm!" Alex screams it so loud that it reverberates every cell in my body.

My hands instantly cover my ears, loud sobs leaving my mouth. I curl my knees onto the chair slowly rocking myself. Another muffled scream rings through the room even more agonising than the last. I try to block it out with singing a song in my head but for the life of me I can't think of a single song right now.

I'm not sure how long I continue rocking but Edwards strong fingers splay on my shoulders halting me in place. "It's fine Anna. I need you to try to sleep please. I will have to have a word with the nurse."

My head flies up "You are not going to let them take him away are you? Please don't Edward. I can't lose him too" My fingers are gripping his shirt so tight I'm probably seconds from my jagged nails shredding it.

"Anna, I need you to calm down please. I won't let anyone take Alexander. He means just as much to me as he does you but I need to talk to a professional." Edward eases me out of the chair and half guides, half drags me toward the never used bed.

While he attempts to push me into a flat position I catch sight of Alex, hard erratic breaths leave him and I'm convinced he is having a panic attack, I want to go help but I remember he now hates my face, causing a fresh wave of grief to wash over me.

Once I'm on the bed Edward hurries from the room and I watch Alex's heart break over and over. The agony becomes too much, I close my eyes.

When they open back up Edward's soft voice is nearby. "Alexander son, can you hear me" he sounds miserable "Alexander look at me" his eyes sluggishly roll to meet Edward tears still freely flow from him.

"You must listen to me Alexander. That girl behind me has just lost her mum too and she needs you. You are her only family left. I need you to try please Alexander, try to fight through this for her" it's barely noticeable but he does nod.

"Good, I really am sorry son, but you need to sleep" a nurse I hadn't noticed before steps forward, Alex and I realise what is happening at the same time. He is being sedated.

"NO! PLEASE NO! EDWARD, I CAN'T TAKE IT AGAIN PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.... PLEASE" his voice is unrecognisable and hoarse from lack of use but he is already drifting off eyelids falling heavy on themselves as he continues to beg to not be sent back. Forced twice in one night to confront his greatest pain.

I feel the betrayal radiating from my eyes when Edward turns to me. He wipes his tears before softly saying "You may think what I have done here is abhorrent, but they were talking about moving him to psychology we both know that would do him no good. Alexander needs to get home so we can get him suitable treatment" Edward wipes more escaped tears. I know he has done this to help Alex, but I don't think I can physically survive listening to him scream another time tonight.

Climbing out of the bed with anger lacing my voice, "it's too late to do anything about it now but you can listen to him scream awake. I can't do it again." I sound like a brat, but right now I don't care, running from the room before Edward can even say another word to me.