Good Luck Anna

Back To School

Walking into school on Monday the now constant feeling of familiar but foreign follows me. Everything is just a bit off. My teachers treat me like fractured glass that they are just waiting to shatter, friends talk to me with a sympathetic tone that makes me understand exactly why Alex hates it when Edward uses it on him.

I obsessively check our cameras without an Alex sighting all morning, the only thing that stops me phoning him is the hope that he is sleeping for once.

Alex texts me at lunch to check in on how school is going, which has me flicking through the cameras to find him, outside in his usual spot.

My response is telling him to put a jacket on. He doesn't even turn to the camera he just flips me off, that gesture elicits a wild laugh from me that makes all my friend's glance at each other like I've finally lost it.

Thomas only texts twice which is different from the usual twenty minimum he has normally sent by now, he must be busy now his girlfriend is back. I didn't even bother to tell him I was returning to school today. I'm fine with this, our short time together was nice while it lasted.

Tuesday is the dreaded first therapy session, I begged Alex to let me join him, he blatantly refused since Edward would be there and "school is more important." Only when a car is sent for me instead of Edward my panic goes through the roof.

Alex is completely unreachable for the whole night, stuck in a loop of flashbacks and panic attacks, I cry myself unconscious to the sound of my brother's broken whimpers.

According to Edward, he lost it in the car and couldn't pull himself free for the rest of the day. This leads us to being in the doctors first thing Wednesday morning. No one objected my joining, not that I had any intention of not being with him today.

The result of the appointment is a higher dosage of Mirtazapine, so he spends the night in the bathroom consumed again by brutal nausea.

Thursday is the first day we come home not the stench of chemicals but the warm nostalgic smell of food. I almost float toward the kitchen like a cartoon character.

Alex rubs his fringe away from his face as we walk in. When our eyes meet he huffs "any chance you could cut my hair? This is driving me nuts." He blows at his fringe, I can't resist skipping to him while pulling off the elastic from my wrist.

Alex crouches down so my short arse can reach his head, I tie his hair back into a tiny ponytail. "Not going to lie but you really suit this" A mildly stunned Edward nods in agreement. Combined with the white apron he currently wears it looks like he should own a café in some small European town.

"Thanks, it's getting chopped as soon as possible."
He continues pottering around the kitchen while I sit on the counter, gaining a scowl in return from Alex that unleashes a giggle fit from me.

"I made Spaghetti Bolognese, I hope you are both alright with that?"

Edward still seems too stunned to speak so I fill in for him. "Yeah, that sound great Alex! Thank you for cooking dinner for us!" Swinging my legs it feels like I am floating on a cloud of elation.

He still looks about two seconds from passing out but being able to stay present long enough to cook a meal is a massive improvement.

"Was thinking that after we have eaten, if you want, we can watch that fashion show you like. I ordered strawberry ice cream for us" nervousness is clear within his voice.

Tears leak from my eyes, Alex wants to continue mine and mum's tradition. Complete joy swells in my chest, I seriously have the best brother ever.

Worry cracks his features, "I'm sorry, we don't have to do it, please don't cry."

He reaches out to hug me, shaking my head with a smile I reply. "It's OK I'm not sad. Thank you so much. Yes a hundred percent yes, we can watch Project Runway together. You'll join is too won't you Edward."

We turn to Edward who has a massive grin is on his face when he says, "wouldn't miss it for the world."

The next week passes much the same Alex cooks for us every night and by the time our second 'family night' rolls around Alex already has favourite contestants and opinions on all the outfits. Little glimmers of his old self peeks through.

I've not truly seen what lies behind his polished mask since the last night at the hospital, but I fucking beg to all the gods that it's getting better.