Good Luck Anna

Behind The Mask

I've been lying awake for hours, attempting to make things as normal as possible before we head home later today, I'm on my assigned bed staring over at Alex.

When we got back yesterday the lovely nurse who I met the first night here informed us that he did in fact take his sleeping pill and the inevitable happened but this time he "refused to be tranquillised" which I took as a good sign.

My optimism swiftly died with one look at Alex he had the eye mask on covering what I can imagine is a pair of teary bloodshot eyes.

His music was quietly humming from earphones -it still is- and anyone else would just assume that my brother had gone back to sleep but his trembling hand gave him away.

Alex didn't stir for dinner or even when Edward left, I want to give him time to work through whatever misery his brain put him through this time but I need to do what Thomas said before we leave the safety of this highly monitored room.

It's freezing so I wrap myself in the sheet on my bed to plod over to Alex, "can I have a hug" he doesn't move. I squeeze his wrist tight, he hisses with pain, rolling onto his back tugging on the headphone cable until they pop from his ears. He leaves the eye mask on.

"What is it?" His voice is even more empty then normal making my chin tremble.

Take off the mask Alex, let me see you.

"I just wanted a hug but if that's too much hassle for you, I will just go back to bed." Being bitchy is the opposite of what I came over here to do, guess it's too late now, turning away from him I start back to my bed. I make it two steps before his arms find me dragging backwards until my butt lands on the edge of the bed.

He sits ridged behind me with his arms around my waist, keeping his face hidden. "Can I turn around please," I'm already getting emotional this is going to be a disaster.

"No"

"Why not" I plead

The seconds tick by at an agonisingly slow pace, eventually he whispers, "I'm not doing great right now, I'd rather not worry you." A hard gust of air covers my back with his admission.

"This is making me worry more, Alex. You can't keep hiding this for me. If you are having a bad day tell me. I want us to be able to talk about everything. I'm so terrified that you won't make it through this." We both shake from our sobs.

"I can't live without you too, I love you so much. I wouldn't survive without you." Alex flips me in his arms and finally I can give my brother a hug. We are clinging to one and other like we're each other's life raft, the only thing keeping us both alive.

"I'm the older one it's my job to look after you not the other way around" I try to wriggle back to finally see his face, he attempts to prevent me but eventually gives in to my squirming.

It's clear as day why he didn't want me to see this. I didn't know a human could be so undeniably broken, his eyes are so red and bloodshot that he's obviously been crying for hours but it's the overwhelming pain that lives within them that shatters my heart. No light lives in them just never ending agony.

The dark circles under his eyes are so deep he could be mistaken for having been in a fight. Even Alex's usually bouncing brown waves lay limp around his eyes. Cheeks drawn in, skin sickly white and lips so covered in cuts and nicks -thanks to all the nervous biting he does-they are swollen and inflamed. His entire demeanor just screams that he is so far beyond exhausted that his body could give out at any moment.

Being able to take in a maskless Alex up close like this makes it really hit home just how much shit he was hiding behind that and even although this is what I wanted from him it doesn't lessen my terror at seeing my worst fears confirmed.

The terror is so strong that my brain is frantically telling me to go straight to that nurse's station and tell them not to let him out.

Of course, I know being stuck here longer isn't the answer either. I'm going to take Thomas's advice again and milk my useless dad dry to save my brother.

"Well since you watched mum die" fresh wave of misery flashes across his face causing my heart to sink like a stone. "You have earned the right to let me look after you for a while ok." Alex nods slowly as I continue "promise me you won't give up please."

I'm so desperate right now I would actually get down on my knees and beg him if it would make any difference.

The torment radiating from him makes it hideously obvious that he has already considered that way out and is currently feeling guilty for it.

Alex bites his lip as parts of the mask start to reform right before my eyes. I tell myself it's fine he is just doing this to survive until we can get home then he will take it off, but I have this gnawing feeling that he will never be without it ever again.

"I love you. I promise I will live for you." Would rather Alex said that he would live for himself but it's a start.