Good Luck Anna

Welcome Home

We are finally heading back to our house, every single one of my nerves are on high alert just waiting for something to go disastrously wrong. Alex has had music playing constantly since we entered the airport, Edward and I sandwiched him between us on the plane and his leg bounced the entire journey. Lucky for us his broken foot got us front row seats which saves him pissing anyone off rattling their chair the whole time.

I hadn't thought about it at the time since we got a train to the airport but of course Alex will have car related trauma responses, we are unbelievably stupid for not thinking of it sooner.

It takes us over an hour to get him inside Edwards car, the only way he would agree was if we would let him sit in the back seats even although his boot makes it awkwardly cramped in Edwards little Ford Focus.

Once he is inside, takes a further twenty minutes just to get out of the car park.

Alex's face has been hidden behind his hands for the entire time, music has been blaring from his headphones so loud that he must be half deaf by now.

It feels like a lifetime since I've been down these familiar streets that I used to call home. Everything that used to be vivid technicolour is now a dull grey. Edward clicks his key fob as the tall iron gates outside our house slowly creak open, they groan loud from lack of use while we edge forward.

Our three story Edwardian building appears before us ivy creeping up the right hand side of the terracotta brick, encroaching on the long white windows on the second floor. The normally immaculate garden is overgrown, neglected plants lay withered where they once stood proud.

Mum loved her garden refusing dad's offer to get a professional since "they will just mess it up." She would fucking hate what has become of her pride and joy.

We stop and Alex catapults himself from the car dragging in long streams of oxygen like he has been suffocated. He turns from the house covering his face, taking in another deep breath before his features harden into that expressionless mask, I've grown accustomed to.

"Thank you for everything Edward, we are never going to be able to repay you for this but you are officially relieved of babysitting duty, go home and ask Margaret on a damn date." A line like this would make me believe the old Alex is returning to us, if only there was any kind of emotion or life in his voice, instead it's more like a robot imitating a human.

Edward shoots me a worried look as Alex heads toward the boot to retrieve our cases. I nod to him that's it is OK. "I will be back tomorrow morning to take to the doctors" Alex's shoulders tense, thankfully he doesn't protest. "One of my friends has a clinic and he has agreed to see you tomorrow afternoon." Edward keeps his tone casual.

Confusion is plastered across Alex's face before he says, "I thought the doctor was in the morning?" Oh no I had wanted to keep it a secret until we were outside the clinic so he would have no option but to go inside. Sadly, Edward is on some stupid honesty kick, insisting on telling him the truth.

"Yes, the doctor in the morning and the psychologist in the afternoon."

Unbridled horror breaks through his mask Alex shakes his head once, simply responding "no" another head shake before continuing "I can't."

Edward sighs, "right, we will just do the doctor tomorrow and you find a psychologist you feel comfortable with, then we can visit them at a later date." I literally watch the relief wash over him.

"Thank you, see you tomorrow." He lets out a long breath then whips my case out with ease. My huge case looks even more ridiculous next to the little backpack of items Alex has. He slips it on and begins wheeling my case toward the door. The heavy boot encasing his foot thuds away from us.

"Do you want me to wait?"

Giving my head a quick shake, I didn't fill Edward in on Alex's promise this morning but I'm using that to trust that he will make it through one night. "We will be OK, thank you Edward. I love you." I give him a hug, he naturally reciprocates it.

Edward slips money into my hand "for dinner, I love you too my daughter I'm so incredibly proud of you." Tears sting my eyes, why couldn't he be our dad? It's so fucking unfair. Giving him another squeeze I turn jogging to Alex. Who must have forgotten that he no longer has a key as he is lingering outside the door, foot hammering against the doorstep.

Digging through my bag I can't seem to find the key or perhaps my hand just doesn't want to find it knowing what awaits on the other side. I groan when my fingers close around the cool metal, pulling it out my shaking hands struggle to get it to line up with the keyhole.

Alex pries the key from me slipping it in easily, glancing up to his face his jaw is set, eyes tightly shut, he lets out a long ragged breath then pushes down on the large brass handle. It swings open, none of us bother to move. Mum's familiar scent engulfs us as I cover my mouth to silence the sound of anguish about to leave me.

The large circular foyer lays before us. Black and white tiles stretch throughout the whole first floor, Mum's round mahogany table sits dead centre right in front of us, bluebells etched around the rim, dead withered flower petals splayed over the top of it.

Rotten stems are in this stunning porcelain vase my grandmother brought back from Japan just after I was born. She died a few months later so it was the last gift she ever gave mum. The fluted vase has the most beautiful intricate cherry blossom tree in full bloom during a soft orange sunset, I've been obsessed with it since I was a kid.

Everything feels off kilter familiar but foreign like I am looking at my life through a funhouse mirror. Alex nudges me inside with his arm.

When we enter, I almost call out "we're home" like I have done a thousand times, instead I clamp my jaw closed fully aware that we are the only ones who live here now. My shaky legs move forward.

Hey mum, where are you? please come out I have been living in a nightmare and I really need one of your fierce hugs.

I make it two steps before my legs give out, Alex grabs for me but his boot slips from beneath him causing us both to crash to the floor. My nails dig into his back while I scream into his shoulder. Alex continuously runs his hand through my tangled hair soothingly until I cry myself unconscious.