I Let Myself Hope

1 ● Jisoo ● 16.07.2027

July 16th, 2027

Jisoo, New York

I avoided going to the neurological ward as much as I could for about four years now. I simply couldn't stand being there. Every time I went there I either saw Malcolm, who I really didn't want to see, or I reminded myself about Yohan, and I hated thinking about that as well.

It's been four years. Four fucking years, and he still hasn't woken up. Four years, and Jesper still didn't want to let go. I even told him to give up at some point, and he didn't speak to me for about a month after that. Even my mom asked him to let go, but he didn't want to for some reason.

I didn't blame him though. He's been in love with Yohan ever since I could remember, and he simply didn't want to lose him again. I understood that. I just- I guess I didn't think there was any sense keeping Yohan linked to all those monitors. It's been four years, his state was still the same, he was stable, though he wasn't waking up, and nobody knew why.

That's actually the main reason why I stopped talking to Malcolm. It may have been stupid and childish and Jesper scolded me for it, but I just hated him for what he did to Yohan. He said so himself, he was sure about the surgery, and well, it kind of didn't work. Yohan wasn't waking up because of him.

"Hey Jisoo, can I talk to you for a second?" I suddenly heard someone's voice next to me, when we were exiting the auditorium at the top floor of the hospital. It was Jesper. He did some kind of meeting for the surgeons today, and everyone was eager to get back to work as soon as possible.

"Sure," I said, nodding at him. I scanned his face and noticed that he probably didn't sleep much tonight, as any other night for the past few years. It's still a bit better, ever since he gave up his position as the head of cardio, but still, he had a lot of work. "What is this about though? I don't have that much time, I have a surgery soon," I added.

"It's about the position of the head of the department," he answered right away, which piqued my interest. We talked about it years ago, when he wanted to step down. I offered myself for the position, but he said he can't give that job to someone who only did the fellowship. We had a huge fight about it, but I've moved on, or well, I'm still trying to. "As you know this fall you'll officially be a three year old attending, so that means I technically could offer you the job, but as you know, it's occupied," he explained, giving me a weak smile. "I don't want to make troubles for you guys, you know I like Cooper, I just- You'll be qualified for the position in a few months, so I just wanted you to know that there's this possibility, if u want it. I can't fire Coop of course, just because you want the job, so- Well. I just wanted you to know, and if you want, you can talk to him about it."

Right. Great. The head of cardio. The job that I wanted years ago. The job that some guy took away from me. The guy who eventually became my boyfriend. Shit.

I understood why Jesper wanted to tell me about it, but I would definitely start thinking about it more from now on. And what was I supposed to do? Tell Cooper to step down, because I want his job? I couldn't really do that. I mean, I wanted to, but I guess that would be the end of our relationship. "Does Cooper know about it?" I asked. He knew damn well when he took the job, that Jesper promised it to me one day. We talked about it a long time ago, so he had to be aware of it.

"I mean, he obviously knows, I just don't think he knows that your time is this year," Jesper said thoughtfully. "I just wanted to tell you about it, so that you'd know," he shrugged. "I have to go, I don't have the time to chat, but are we still on for tomorrow?" He asked in a hurry.

Tomorrow? Oh, right – mom's birthday. "Yeah, nothing's changed, I guess," I shrugged, and then noticed someone waving our way, or more like Jesper's way. Malcolm. "Please tell me he's not going to be there," I said, looking at him with exasperation.

"Your mom wanted him to come," Jesper spoke. "It's not up to me. Though I think the more, the merrier, right? It's not like we have a lot of people in our lives, I'd say we should hold onto those we have," he shrugged, and without saying anything else, he left me, going Malcolm's way.

It was a bit funny how much they bonded over the years. But if you think about it, Malcolm has literally nobody. He only has his mom, who he hasn't spoken to in years. And Jesper? He doesn't even have his mom now, since she died two years ago. He doesn't have his dad either, he doesn't have Yohan. We're literally all he has right now – me, mom, and Malcolm.

I guess another weird thing is that he kind of became friends with Sam as well. I don't think he did it because he actually likes her, I think it was kind of more for Yohan's sake. He did it for Joey. The kid basically lost his dad and Jesper felt bad about it, so he started spending time with them. It was a bit weird, but I could see it made the both of them happy in a way. Especially since Joey was growing up, he was seventeen now, and he really needed a father figure in his life.

I followed Jesper with my eyes and noticed how comfortable he was around Malcolm. I guess those two were actually good as friends, since they had so many similarities. I was even maybe a bit happy that they had each other. Jesper needed a friend, and I think Malcolm needed one as well, especially after he basically killed his dad and put Yohan in a coma. He may have been a loner, but he lost too much to be alone now.

And to be honest, I may have missed him a little. We were friends once too, and I liked having him as my friend. Life was definitely easier back then. But now? I don't actually think I'd be able to rebuilt my friendship with him. I may miss him sometimes, but I'm still angry as hell. And I couldn't exactly be friends with him again when I was in a relationship with another man, because I'm pretty sure I could fall back in love with Malcolm the second things would start getting better with us.