I Let Myself Hope

34 ● Jesper ● 2.09.2027

September 2nd, 2027

Jesper, New York

I barely slept tonight, since we finished the surgery pretty late and I couldn't bring myself to close my eyes. Not after what happened during that surgery. I was afraid that if I close my eyes, he'd be gone. I was fucking terrified. I almost got a fucking heart attack during that surgery and I was just stressed, I couldn't go to sleep. The fact that he coded during the most important surgery of his life was fucking terrifying. The fact that I had my hand deep inside his chest, trying to bring him back to life, was even more fucking disturbing. I was a bit traumatized by it, but I also knew it was necessary. I needed to save him.

When it comes to Malcolm, he told me not to get my hopes up. Sure, the surgery was successful and he removed the whole tumor this time, but there was no reason to believe that Yohan would actually be fine now. There was a chance he could never wake up, he could lose his sight, his ability to operate. There was seriously little chance that he'd actually be okay one day. At least that's what Malcolm said. I wanted to be a little more optimistic though, because Yohan deserved it. He deserved to have someone who believed in him and damn it, I've been rooting for him for years, he could fucking wake up already.

But obviously, just like Malcolm suggested, I didn't have my hopes up. I knew there was a possibility he could never wake up. I was preparing myself for it for years, and I knew what risks we were taking by doing this surgery. I was prepared for whatever was about to come next, but deep down I was rooting for him to wake up. I knew there was little fucking chance, okay? I know that. But I still have hope and I'm not going to lose it, no matter what. I'm not going to just give up on him like Jisoo did.

She didn't even come see him yet, though I'm sure it was because Malcolm told her not to, since Yohan was in the CCU. And yesterday, she and Cooper stayed far away from the OR, not wanting to see anything or hear anything, because she was sure the surgery would fail and that Yohan would die, since Jisoo has been against this surgery from the very beginning and she was mad at me that I decided to go through with it. She was convinced that Yohan was long gone, that he's never going to wake up and that further surgeries are basically pointless. She basically begged us once before not to do the surgery, because she had a feeling Yohan wouldn't survive it.

I hated her for it, for the lack of faith.

Like honestly, I fucking loathed her for being like that. He was her brother for fuck's sake, I don't understand how the hell she could give up on him so easily. I wasn't about to question it though. We fought about it a lot, countless times, I was already tired of it so I decided to let it go. If she refused to believe that he'd be okay, then it was her problem. I didn't want to keep telling her to have hope, if she wasn't interested.

The only other person that knew about the surgery was Jia and she was here yesterday. Malcolm and I told her all about what happened during that surgery and she was a little stressed because of it, but nonetheless happy about the turnout. That's why I sent her home today, so that she could rest and sleep off that stress.

Besides, Yohan was in the CCU and he wasn't allowed any visitors now. We actually planned to move him to a regular neuro ward tomorrow, if nothing odd happened today. After all, there was a possibility that he could crash again and Malcolm was a little worried that he could start bleeding into his brain all of a sudden. I didn't think it would happen, but Mal was stressed for obvious reasons, he thought that he for sure screwed up and that Yohan would start bleeding out like his father did. I thought he was an idiot for thinking of it, since he cut out that tumor and Yohan was fine.