I Let Myself Hope

25 ● Malcolm ● 11.01.2010

January 11th, 2010

Malcolm, Boston

I thought that it was absolutely bloody ridiculous that the first thing coming back to school after Christmas would be the news of Yohan becoming a father. That was absolutely insane. We were just twenty four after all and had a future in medicine planned.

Of course I knew he had a girlfriend that was pregnant, and that she'd give birth to the thing soon, but I completely forgot about it and I couldn't believe that those few months have gone by so fast. He was a fucking father now. Yohan. That was surreal.

"I actually think it's kind of sad, the whole situation," Jisoo commented in the end, as soon as she told me all about it. "He came back to Boston, and sure, good for him, he needs to think about his career. But I just- I don't know. Feel bad for Sam? She gave birth to that kid just a few days ago and Yohan had to leave not five days after seeing his son. Don't get me wrong, I think what he's doing is amazing, but- I feel sad for the kid, a little."

Well, I actually thought she was right. It was sad. Yohan would spend at least two or three years without seeing his son that much, because of med school. It was surely going to be tough on him. Then again, I think it's good that he's not living with that Sam girl now. I myself am not really fond of her and I know for a fact that Yohan isn't happy about being with her. Basically everyone thinks that this girl planned it, getting pregnant with him. It's a little sad and I feel sorry for my friend.

"Hey, what do you know about a guy named Jesper?" I decided to ask Jisoo, out of curiosity. Considering that she looked at me with wide eyes, I figured she must have known him. "It's just that- The day I met Yohan, I kind of figured that he was pining over someone after he told me about Sam, and he told me about a guy named Jesper."

"He's basically the love of Yohan's life, at least that's what I've always thought," Jisoo shrugged. "But he was too scared to ever admit it to anyone," she added.

It's no surprise that Yohan is a coward. I guess it must run in the family, since Jisoo is one too, at least when it comes to relationships.

"Is that why he's stuck with that girl and the kid that wasn't supposed to happen? Because he was too scared to admit it?" I asked curiously, though I kind of knew a bit about it from Yohan himself.

"Yeah, something like that," Jisoo said quietly. "He kind of scared him away and it's been years since they fought, so- I guess there's nothing to do about it now." Well, one would think that there's nothing Yohan could do about it, but then again he did tell me that he wanted to find this Jesper person after med school. So I guess Yohan must have a bit more will to fight for the people he loves than Jisoo. But again, that's just a guess.

And about that- "So, have you given any more thought about going out with me lately?" I wondered. I already asked her out twice and I was kind of hoping that third time was the charm and that she'd finally agree. I really fucking wanted her to say yes, because I've been pining for her ever since we've met. I knew I was a bloody idiot for it, but I couldn't help it. I was simply charmed by her.

"Have you gone insane yet?" She asked, looking at me like I was an idiot. So of course, she didn't think about it. She didn't want to. I needed to make my peace with that. "We've talked about it already, Mal. I'm not looking for anything serious."

Well sorry to disappoint, because I kind of am. I mean- I'm not, but when I look at you, all I can think about is getting serious and marrying you one day. Am I exaggerating? I don't think so. She's the most unique girl I've ever met and I'm pretty sure I'm already in love.

"It was worth a shot," I shrugged like it was nothing, like it didn't affect me. It did. It bloody did. I was devastated that she only wanted to sleep with me. And sure, we kind of became friends, but that's just it. There's nothing more. And I wanted more.

I panicked when I noticed that she was side-eyeing me suspiciously. "You're not like- Into me. Right?" She asked, a little awkwardly.

I snorted loudly at that. "I mean, it's kind of the point of sleeping together, isn't it?" I chuckled, trying not to panic some more. "We wouldn't be doing it, if we weren't into each other, love. It's not like I'm sleeping with you because I have a specific reason. I'm attracted to you. I thought it was obvious."

She frowned, but then nodded. "No, of course, that's- Yeah, you're right, I just- I thought- Nevermind," she said then, sighing. "Just- You don't- like me, do you?" She asked. And damn it, she was digging for clues and I didn't know how long I could handle that. "I mean, more than as a friend," she specified.

I kind of do. I kind of really do, but I'm not about to tell her that I do. That was the third time that I asked her out and she rejected me all of those times. I guess it was clear that she seriously wasn't looking for a relationship and that she really just wanted me for sex, and friendship. Nothing more.

So obviously, I wasn't about to out myself in front of her about my feelings, because she'd probably laugh at me if I did. Or worse, she'd want to stop seeing each other and I wasn't ready for that. I'd rather be her friend and hide my feelings for her than tell her all about it and never see her again.

I guess the rational thing to do now would be to stop asking her out. I'm going to make myself known if I keep doing that and I really don't want her to find out that I like her, if she seriously doesn't want me to like her like that. "You wish," I eventually said, trying to sound uninterested and convincing. "I'm too busy adoring myself to waste time on other people," I added then and that made her laugh out loud.

"Right, I forgot that you're too self-centered to like someone other than yourself," Jisoo spoke.

"It's called self-love, darling. I highly recommend it," I told her, knowing damn well that I would probably be the only person in my life who would actually love me. Oh, how pathetic I was.