I Let Myself Hope

6 ● Jesper ● 29.05.2025

May 29th, 2025

Jesper, New York

I didn't spend much time at mom's funeral. I couldn't. I was too depressed to simply sit there and stare at her grave. I couldn't handle her being gone. I imagined it a few times, and I was terrified by the thought. I obviously knew that she'd die one day, but if I'm being honest, I didn't think it would be this soon. Not in a time like this, when I was already depressed as hell.

I skipped the rest of the funeral. I left Jia and Jisoo and told them that I want to be alone and I simply left. I didn't want to be alone, actually. I wanted to run to Yohan and hug him, I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be okay.

He couldn't, obviously, since he was still fucking asleep. It's been almost two years, and he still hasn't woken up, and I was absolutely miserable. The funny thing is that I was basically the only person who still had any feelings concerning this. Everyone else already gave up and I absolutely hated them for it.

I didn't want to think of them today though. I was already miserable before, and I'm doing even worse now. My mom just died. I was already fatherless, I don't have a mother now too. Shit. I don't fucking have anyone. Everyone is fucking leaving.

That's why I didn't want to be alone. That's why I decided to go see Yohan, because I figured that his presence alone could help, at least a little. So that's how I found myself in his room at the hospital, bawling my eyes out by his side.

First there was my dad. Then Minseok. Now my mom. "Please, Yohan. I can't lose you too," I said out loud, looking at him hopefully. "I just can't," I whispered. To be honest, I could handle a lot. Like seriously, I was a doctor, I see people die all the time. And as much as I hate my mother dying, I simply need time to process that.

But Yohan? I don't know how much longer I can handle that. I don't know how much longer I can wait for him, because as much as I don't want to lose hope, I'm starting to. And I can't imagine losing him. Not this soon, not when we just got married, not now, not fucking yet. I want more time with him, I need more time with him, damn it. I refuse to accept the fact that he may actually be gone. I will hold onto hope for as long as I'm able to.

"Figured I'd find you here." I heard someone's voice suddenly, which surprised me a little, because I didn't hear anyone entering the room. I didn't need to turn around though, I could hear it was Jia. "It's your mother's funeral honey, you should have stayed longer," she added, coming closer. In the end she sat at the other side of the bed and took Yohan's other hand in hers.

"She's already dead and buried, I didn't feel like sticking around just to look at her grave," I shrugged, not looking at her. She was gone, what was I supposed to do? Yes, I hate it, but nothing is going to bring her back. Certainly not me crying by her grave.

"You know, crying over Yohan isn't going to bring him back either," Jia said. Wait. Did I say that out loud? "I'm willing to take my chances," I responded. "Jesper," then I heard her speak again with a broken voice. "Is there something I can do? Anything. Just name it and I'll do it. I don't want you to sit here all the time and cry. For god's sake, your mother just died, and you're still so broken over Yohan, that it seems like you don't even care!" She said with a raised voice, like she was angry at me. For what? For not caring?

Oh I care. Trust me Jia, I fucking care, that's the problem. I care too much. I always have. About the people I love, about patients, about everyone. I'm a caring person, okay? That's just how I am. And it's not that I don't care about mom. I do. I just- Well, she's already gone. There's no hope for her. But there's hope for Yohan. And I don't want to live like that, I don't want to cry over people who already died, I prefer to cry about the people I'm waiting for.

"There's nothing you can do for me, Jia," I admitted, because that was the truth. No one could help me. The only thing that could help me would be Yohan waking up, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. "Well, I guess there is something," I added after a minute, thinking about it. "You can leave. I don't want any people coming here, especially not those who already lost hope."

"Jesper, give it a rest already," she said exasperated. "It's not like I already gave up, like I don't care. But it's been years, honey, and that means there's very little chance that he's ever going to wake up," she added, looking at me with sad eyes. I hated that.

"Little chance," I repeated, nodding knowingly. "So there's chance. See? There's hope. Let me hold onto that and leave us alone, Jia," I said, looking away from her, wanting her to leave as soon as possible.

I didn't like to cry, yet I've been doing a lot of that lately. I especially didn't like to cry in front of people, especially people that needed me to be strong, but oh well, I wasn't fucking heartless. But I was bitter, and mad as fuck at everyone, for not believing in Yohan, and for all the hate Malcolm got after the surgery.