I Let Myself Hope

9 ● Jesper ● 6.10.2003

October 6th, 2003

Jesper, New York

We started our senior year not that long ago and I was already tired of it. I was obviously excited about this last year in high school, eager to go to college and leave this place behind, but still, I had to get through it, and I had about eight or nine more months of it.

I didn't mind going to school, I've always liked studying, it didn't bother me that much, I was curious about a lot of things and I've always had good grades. The thing that I hated most about going to school, were people. I hated people with all my heart, especially at this school. Besides Yohan, I didn't talk to anyone, most definitely not his friends. The only other people who talked to me were some people from science club, but we hardly ever talked. Though today, I saw one of the girls from the club coming my way when I was standing by the lockers and looking over at the courtyard with an annoyed expression on my face. The girl's name was Cindy and she was weird, but polite.

"It's gross to look at, isn't it?" She asked me, standing right next to me to look at the thing I was looking at. And what was I looking at? Yohan and Samantha of course, making out in the middle of the courtyard.

They've been together for like eight or nine months now and I hated every day of this year because of their relationship. And the worst thing? Before the school started they went on holiday together, which made them even clingier than they were last year and I absolutely fucking loathed that.

Despite all of this, Yohan and I were still best friends, we were still fuck buddies, even though he had a girlfriend he clearly liked. And honestly, no matter how much I was in love with Yohan, I was kind of ready to end this thing between us, because I was pissed as hell that he was kissing her, in public, instead of me.

Some would say that there was no reason for me to hate Sam. She was beautiful, kind of smart, very nice and all of that. She was a little angel and everyone loved her. Me though? I hated her to the bone. Why? Because she took Yohan away from me, because I was jealous as fuck, because I wanted to be in her shoes. Because Yohan chose her to be in a relationship with, and I was just his best friend he fucked on the side. And I loved him, I honestly did, to death, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I was jealous and I was angry and I was hurt and I wanted this pain to stop. I didn't want to look at him kissing some other girl while he was still romantically involved with me. Or well, intimately, or whatever. Shit, I don't even fucking know how to call that. How do you call it when your best friend who you're in love with likes to fuck you?

"He's my best friend, I'm happy for him," I decided to tell Cindy. Lies, all lies, you've gotten good at it, Jesper. After all, I lie to Yohan all the time when we talk about us, about us having fun with no strings. Jesus fuck, I'm seriously pathetic.

"Doesn't seem like you are," Cindy snorted. "You look jealous, Jesper Harris. Are you mad that your best friend got the girl everyone wants? Do you like Samantha that much?" She asked, giving me a curious look.

It was my time to snort loudly. "Not even close," I said, still looking at those two. I didn't even think for a second that I basically just outed myself to Cindy. Shit.

"Oh, I get it now," the girl nodded, sending me a little smile. "You're that type, huh? In love with your male best friend type? That's why you're standing here, throwing daggers at them? You don't like Sam, you want to be Sam," she said. And well, you certainly could never say that she was stupid. She was a seriously intelligent girl and she could notice even the tiniest detail. She saw right through me.