I Let Myself Hope

26 ● Malcolm ● 25.08.2027

August 25th, 2027

Malcolm, New York

I didn't have any surgeries scheduled for today, and thank fuck for that, because I don't think I'd be able to pick up the scalpel. I tried not to think about my conversation with Jisoo the whole day, I needed to be professional and block it out. But when the evening came and I was about to head home it all kind of came back to me and I decided that I didn't want to be alone right now.

When I was walking out of the hospital I texted Jesper to meet me at the bar near his house and while I waited for him to finish his own load of work, I drank a few pints. Maybe even more than a few. I don't really know, it's not like I was in my right head to count it. I wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the moment. While I tried to block it out at work, it all suddenly resurfaced as soon as I started drinking.

She did love me. I'm glad I was at least right about that, in a way. I'd like to know more about it though, talk to her a little about when it started exactly, how long it took her to fall for me. If I was the first one to do so, or if it was her. I had questions, lots of them, but it's not like she'd answer any, not after how she just left ending that conversation with basically breaking my heart because of that wanker.

Ever since I realized that she was in a relationship with Cooper, I didn't think it'd last. He seemed too stupid for her, too obedient, too nice. He wasn't the kind of guy Jisoo would go for at all. But what would I even know about it? Am I the guy she'd go for? Sure, I liked to think about it this way. Especially now, since I knew that she loved me.

She loved me.

Jisoo loved me, yet she decided to stay with Cooper. She kissed me, cheated on him, just to realize that she wanted to be with him. It was honestly messed up. I couldn't understand how she could just decide to stay with him after the conversation we just had. After I finally confessed to her and she confessed right back.

Then again, she didn't even want to say anything about her feelings, knowing it'd hurt me. She didn't want to tell me she loved me, because she knew damn well what went after. She bloody knew that she'd choose Cooper no matter what and that by telling me about her feelings, she'd also have to break my heart in that process, so that she wouldn't give me any shitty hope I could probably have after that confession.

I was an absolute moron for believing that things would ever work out between us. What the hell did I expect? That she'd run into my arms after all those years? That she'd just break up with Cooper, break off the engagement with the man she apparently loved to be with me, because I decided to confess fifteen years too late? Yeah, I didn't think so. That's why I had to admit I wasn't really surprised, but it still hurt. It hurt like hell.

Knowing now for sure that she loves me, but wants to be with him hurts even more and I'm so overwhelmed with it, that I think I need a break. I've never been in a relationship, I've never had the time to meet people, date or whatever, that's why I've never experienced anything like it before.

And let me bloody tell you, heartbreak is not some walk in the park. It's an excruciating pain I'm assuming will never go away. Because how the hell do you recover after something like that? I've been in love with her for years, I've never even thought about being with anyone else. I will never be with anyone else. I guess that's why it hurts so much, knowing that she was the only person I've ever loved, that I'll ever love, and she rejected me. She broke my heart and by doing so, she destroyed the one and only chance I had at love in my life. I'm like- empty, now. And will I stay like that forever? I hope the fuck not.