I Let Myself Hope

5 ● Jesper ● 27.02.2004

February 27th, 2004

Jesper, New York

We only had a couple of days left of our winter break and we completely didn't know what to do with ourselves. Most of the time Yohan was sick, and then I was sick, and we basically spent all that free time in bed, separately, in our own homes.

Well, maybe besides Valentine's Day, which I was still thinking about. I couldn't help but think that maybe I was more special than I originally thought. After all, Yohan ditched his girlfriend and he spent that day with me, and we had a great time, even though he was sick. I couldn't help but think that I mattered.

Thanks to the fact that I got ill because of him, I had to spend a couple of days at my own house, mainly because my mother insisted, so I was bored out of my mind. Thankfully, today I was finally feeling a little better and she let me get out of the house, so first thing in the morning, I run to Yohan's.

I knew that his parents went skiing this week, since they often did that. Normally they always brought Jisoo and Yohan with them, but this year, for some reason, Yohan decided to stay in the city, thank god.

When I finally came to Yohan's and almost suffocated when he hugged me by the door, I started wondering what was wrong. "Are you okay?" I asked, barely able to breathe.

"Shh," he quickly silenced me. "I haven't seen you in a week dude, let me savor the moment," he added, and hugged me even tighter. And okay. What the fuck? Was this Yohan's way of saying that he actually missed me? "Last time we went this long without seeing each other was probably two years ago, when I went skiing with my parents," he admitted.

He was right. Every summer, every winter break, every weekend, every single freaking day, we saw each other. We were basically inseparable. It's been like that ever since we became friends, years ago. So well, I could totally understand why he would miss me after a week of me being sick, because to be honest, I missed him as well, like a lot. And seeing Yohan like that, being so emotional over our parting, I started thinking about how much I actually mattered to him. Sometimes on days like that, I kind of thought about telling him about my feelings. I mean, I'm sure as hell he must have known something, because I was an obvious motherfucker.

But then there was Yohan, hugging me, missing me, telling me that he wants to kiss me, that he prefers to spend time with me over Sam. And what am I supposed to do with that? Those kinds of signs seriously make me think that he has feelings for me as well. It makes me want to ask him so bad, but I know I shouldn't. I know I'm probably delusional, and I don't want to ruin our friendship, if he rejects me.

Yet I can't help but think that he feels something. He has to. Like, come on! We've been sleeping together for a long time now, we kiss every time we see each other, and we spend every freaking day together. If I'm being honest, I think that Yohan is simply scared. Well, there's also Sam, but I'm pretty sure she's connected to that fear.

The thing is - I would love to talk to him about all of this. Ask about his feelings for me, for Sam, ask about the nature of our relationship, if he likes what we do as much as I do. But again, I don't want to ruin our friendship. And I know Yohan would throw a fit if I started asking him about feelings, because, again, I'm pretty sure he's scared as fuck. That's why I'm not planning on talking to him about it, because he would either lie to me, or get mad at me. I was basically forced to live like that, I was forced to endure all of that, all the uncertainties, all the anger, all of Sam, if I wanted to keep Yohan in my life.