I Let Myself Hope

33 ● Jesper ● 2.09.2004

September 2nd, 2004

Jesper, Baltimore

Today was my first birthday without Yohan and I thought it sucked. He's been a part of my life for like, almost my whole life and I can't even remember a time when I didn't know him. That's why spending this special day without him, a day that I've always loved, suddenly lost its magic. Him not being here made me start hating my birthday.

I've been in Baltimore for a few weeks now, since I basically left as soon as I could. After my fight with Yohan it took me a few days to pack and then a few more to get everything settled. College started just a week ago, but I started attending some extra curses a little earlier. I was bored and I literally knew nobody here, so I had a lot of time to kill, a lot of time to study and all that. And I had to say that I liked it, having the time to focus on my studies. One good thing that came out of fighting with Yohan was this, me having the time for myself, not worrying about him ever again.

The thing is, I wanted to worry about him. And I wanted him to worry about me. I wanted us to still be friends, I wanted him to be with me on my birthday. Hell, I wanted us to go to Harvard together, so that we would never lose touch.

Last year, I thought all of this could be possible - us, together, in Harvard. I was so sure I'd spend another birthday with him, in college. When he made me that surprise last year, I seriously thought that we'd never part, that he'd never let us fall apart. Oh how wrong I was.

So, did I mind spending my birthday alone? It's not like I had any friends before, so it was fine. There's always just been me and my mom, and Yohan, and the Lees. I guess I did mind then. That he wasn't here. Damn it.

My mom obviously knew how miserable I must have been and she even offered to come to Baltimore to celebrate with me, but honestly? I didn't want her to. I didn't want her to come all the way here just to be with me and my snappy mood. Besides, it was Thursday and it's not like she could leave work just like that for a stupid, pointless trip. And so I simply asked her for a call, a short one, because I wasn't in the mood.

The call literally lasted no more than a minute, she just wished me happy birthday and asked how I was doing while I was on my way to class. It wasn't anything special. She did tell me to buy myself a raspberry cake somewhere on my way home and it made me cry as soon as I heard it. Because damn it, I had one favorite raspberry cake that we always got from the bakery back home and even Yohan was thoughtful enough to buy it for me last year. That's why it made me so emotional.

And of course, when I was on my way home, I stopped by some random bakery and as luck would have it, there was a raspberry cake, almost like it was waiting there with a Jesper sign on it. It was fucking fate. So naturally, I bought the cake and I had every intention of eating it all by myself, while I cried myself to sleep tonight.

Mom sent me some money for my birthday, so I also stopped by a bookstore after class, to buy more biology books, because I loved that shit. That was kind of like entertainment to me, honestly, reading about human body, I found it fascinating. Some would say it was even like porn to me. Yohan always said that.

Well- Shit. Literally anything I do or think about leads to him. That's probably because we've been best friends ever since we were kids and we spent all our time together. We knew everything about each other and had lots of inside jokes, nobody understood me like he did and vice versa. That's why losing him has been so hard on me. Nobody understood me now. I only had my mom, but come on, it's my mom, she didn't count as a friend.