I Let Myself Hope

32 ● Jesper ● 2.09.2003

September 2nd, 2003

Jesper, New York

Besides my mom, Yohan was probably the only person I have ever fully trusted. It makes sense, honestly, since he's like the only friend I've ever had as well. I put my trust in him a long time ago and I never questioned it, not even when he suddenly started seeing Sam and I had to live with the fact that the love of my life kisses some random girl, while he still wants to keep kissing me. But whatever, I got over that and I'm fine with it and it didn't make me doubt Yohan.

Today though, I was a bit skeptic. It was my seventeenth birthday and we just started our senior year of high school like a week ago and I haven't seen Yohan that much. We've been seeing each other a lot, like usual, but over the summer he spent a little time with Sam. Or like a lot. They even went away together for a few days, which totally didn't make me fucking jealous, and he's been a little distant ever since he came back. We haven't had sex in weeks, he basically wasn't really as touchy as he used to be and I had to admit that it worried me a little. Like a fucking lot. Like tremendously. Because what if- What if he got bored of me? What if they... finally... had sex... Shit. Maybe that was it!

Yohan was pretty open about his relationship with Sam and we talked about her once in a while. One thing I knew for sure, was that they've never slept together, because she didn't want to. Yohan said they've tried a few times, but never actually succeeded. And it's not like he'd have to pretend to be sexually frustrated, because he wasn't, because he was sleeping with me, and he didn't really need her for that.

Anyway, it was my freaking birthday today and Yohan has never let me down, so I was kind of holding onto that the whole day, though it was hard. He wasn't at school today, which was a bit weird and I had to admit that I was a little sad about it. I didn't want to be too much, so I promised myself I wouldn't call him to ask what was going on. I decided to be patient.

My patience ran out at seven in the evening, after I blew out the candles on my cake and opened gifts from my mom. She got me three biology books, which I really appreciated, because that's something that's been on my list and I didn't really have enough of my own money to spend it on extra books for studying, so it was really nice of her to get me those, especially after she kind of told me off for wanting academic shit for my birthday.

"Mom, I'm going to go to Yohan's, I left my physics homework there on Sunday," I told her while I was putting my shoes on. I needed a good excuse, though I had a pretty good feeling that mom wouldn't believe me anyway, because she could always see right through my shit.

"You're seriously going there, just because he hasn't called you?" I could hear my mom's best pity voice. She knew I was obsessed with Yohan, though I never told her anything about us, but I'm pretty sure she knew. "Maybe he had a reason not to, Jes. Maybe he forgot. Teenagers aren't really good with dates," she shrugged. And okay, ex-fucking-cuse me, mother, don't even start this shit with me now. I forgot your birthday once, because I had a big chemistry test. That doesn't make me the worst son ever.

"Yohan is," I said quietly, because damn it, he has never let me down. Not when it comes to stuff like that. Not ever. I don't even know if I'm angry or hurt about the fact that he could have forgotten my birthday. All I could think about was him and Sam- Fuck. Them, together, on my birthday. I swear I'm going to die right on the spot if I go see him and Sam's there. I'm going to have fucking heart palpitations and even Lee Minseok won't be able to save me, because I'll be that eager to die, if I see those two hanging out together on my birthday.