I Let Myself Hope

17 ● Jisoo ● 29.04.2009

April 29th, 2009

Jisoo, Boston

Yohan was supposed to visit us back at home a few weeks ago, but he cancelled last minute. And then every weekend after that. He told our parents that he was really swamped with work and he didn't have the time, and of course, they understood that. But me? I didn't believe his bullshit. Something must have happened and he didn't want to tell us about it, which got me worried.

Thankfully, it just so happened that I had a trip to Boston planned with my school today, to see the campus. And obviously since I was supposed to be there, I needed to find time to go see Yohan. He was a little surprised when he saw me standing in his doorway, I'd even say that he looked stressed, so there was definitely something going on with him. "What is going on with you?" I asked as soon as I came in. He still stood there by the doorway and stared at me awkwardly. "What aren't you telling us, Yohan? Why don't you want to come home anymore?"

After that he finally closed the door and came to sit next to me, still looking stressed though. "There's this thing that I need to tell you and mom and dad and I- Fuck, I just don't know how to do it," he started, giving me a worried look.

It couldn't have been- Could it? Was he finally ready to tell us about himself? I didn't think it'd happen this soon. "You mean you're this stressed, because you finally want to tell me that you're into boys?" I asked. And maybe I shouldn't have. I may have misinterpreted this whole situation, because he looked at me with serious confusion.

"What?" Yohan asked, stunned. "I'm- What? B-boys? Wh- Huh? What are you talking about, Jisoo?" He asked, frowning at me, like I was stupid. Well great, so I guess he was still in denial. But since it was just the two of us here and I already started the topic, I needed to know more.

"Isn't that the thing you wanted to tell me?" I decided to ask, looking at him with the same confusion. "You say you need to tell us something and you don't know how. Isn't that it? Didn't you finally want to tell us that you're in love with a guy?"

He kept staring at me like I was stupid, but then I noticed something else in his eyes. Fear. "Where is this coming from, Jisoo?" Yohan spoke, clearly still confused about the whole situation. And okay, he could drop that bullshit already.

"Don't play dumb, Yohan-ah," I huffed in annoyance. "You're in love with Jesper, I could tell. Isn't that what you were so afraid of telling me?"

It didn't seem like it, because he was seriously surprised that I brought it up. Great. "Jes- What? How could you even think that?" He spoke with a defensive voice and stood up from his seat. "I was going to tell you that Sam is pregnant!" He yelled my way and after that we both went completely silent.

Wait a fucking second. What in the fuck?! Who's pregnant? Sam? What Sam? Who the fuck is Sam? And why the heck is she pregnant?! "Elaborate, please," I spoke quietly, trying to stay calm.

"Sam. Samantha. My girlfriend from high school?" He started explaining. Now it made sense. But why in the fuck would she be pregnant? "She came to see me last month, and we- Reconnected. And a few days ago she told me she's- Well. You know. She's pregnant. With my kid. It's crazy, right? I mean- I never would have thought that something like that would happen to me. Like- Jesus fuck. I'm only twenty-fucking-three years old, Jisoo! I'm nowhere near ready for shit like that! But fuck, it happened. She's pregnant with my kid. And there's nothing I can do about it. I can't- Fuck. I don't know what to do, Jisoo. I have no fucking clue. That's why I haven't spoken to mom and dad in a while, because I don't know how to face them, how to tell them that I fucked up so bad."