YELLOW | yj x bg

☀︎ forty one.

—yeonjun

Loving someone is a different kind of anxiety, a different kind of heartbreak, a different kind of soul-ache. Not just anyone, but loving you, Beomgyu, is the sun and moon colliding.

It is the heaviest rainstorm and most dazzling sunshine in the timeframe of one day. It is pleasure and pain at the simultaneous time. Loving you is hard, Beomgyu, but I still do it. You know how much I love challenges.

I get it. Secrets are kept to maintain your privacy, things you consider too alarming or embarrassing to share with someone else, whether it's a therapist or your best friend.

I don't expect you to tell me everything, but just enough to understand who is the Beomgyu you keep hidden from me. The Beomgyu who must be so sad that you choose to disguise him with a bright smile. The Beomgyu who must feel so lonely that you decide to tell me it's alright, you don't need any help.

Loving you has taught me that I don't ever want to love again. I don't want to love if it will end in flames, in more pain than I was in when I started, if it will just leave me with a hole that aches to go back. I thought loving you will distract me from the pain, Beomgyu, but you became the pain that caused me distress... Because every moment I spent away from you I worried about what might be crossing your mind, what might drive you to the edge, what passing comment made by some stranger might upset you and make you cry.

I don't want you to become a memory, I don't want to only see you in my dreams, I don't want to see your life passing by in Instagram updates instead of being with you every step of the way. I know it might have felt too surreal to come out and say your mother is abusive, but you did it. And I'm proud of you for making that decision.

I want you to know that I still love you, and nothing can change that. No matter how many times you push me away, how many times you lie to me and say you're "feeling just fine."

I loved you back 2 years ago, when I transferred to this school and saw your toothy grin for the first time, when I playfully nicknamed you "Beomblebee" because you wore a yellow shirt with black stripes, when you saying "good morning!" gave me all the energy I needed to start the day.

Back when we both were changing for the better.

I loved you back then, and I still love you now. People say that 18's too young to know exactly who you want in a life partner, but I can definitely say that you're all I've ever needed.

I love you because you remind me of the version of myself I lost a long time ago, I love you because you love simple things that others might overlook, I love you because you befriended me at a time where I was sure nothing could save me.

So why did you have to keep this in for so long? Don't you know how it makes me feel? How it makes me feel like I mean nothing to you? How many more times do I have to force the truth out of you before you feel comfortable enough to do it yourself?

Perhaps I'm the bad guy here, maybe it's me who's pushing you to your limits. And in that case, I'm sorry.

But you should be sorry too... because I can't love anyone anymore now that I've loved you.