YELLOW | yj x bg

☀︎ thirty seven.

—hueningkai

Ever since Beomgyu's birthday party, there's been a depletion of happiness in Beomgyu's sense of self. I've noticed it much more in frequent times than I did back then. To say that I'm worried would be an understatement. I don't have a selfless soul that I show off to many, but when it comes to him I can't keep my kindness to myself. Because he showed me just what the true meaning of 'kindness' was.

His eyes droop down at the mention of anything energy-inducing, his lips have lost the faintest trace of a smile. He used to dance without the need for music, his feet moving of their own accord. But now his body refuses to move to the rhythm of his own heartbeat.

He was fluent in the language of happiness, but now's he's robbed of his mental literacy and has to start all over again. I wonder if I can help him read, write, and listen to these syllables that leave my lips. I wonder that if I place his hands on my chest, he could feel the soft thump thump of my decaying heartbeat through the soft fabric and know that he's not alone in all this.

I'll say it however many times - "I can't see you like this." But no matter, it won't break through his mind - like a bullet to the brain.

I want to teach him the true meaning of living. I don't want him to forget how he made me live, how he made me so happy. I'll do it through whatever means necessary.

When he sits there quietly, it's hard to read what's going on inside his head. His train of thought coming and going without a second trip, his stream of consciousness taking a visit out of itself.

"You made me learn how to smile, remember?" I say to him, my eyes glistening with something like tears threatening to fall. Was I really going to cry while teaching him how to smile?

Although I'm met with stone-faced silence, I continue on. I hold his face in my hands: "All I want is to do the same for you." I hold his soft hands, less plump than when I last touched them. "Please, help me help you."

I remember when I was stuck in the hospital room after that accident. I remember how saw the tears in my eyes and took my hand into his own and said, "I love you for reasons you don't know, Hueningkai. And if you can't see the beauty in yourself, then I'm willing to do anything to get you back on track."

It's oddly ironic how our roles are switched now, after a whole year of back and forth. And I'm worried.

I'm worried that things will never go back to how they were before.