The Butterfly And Raven || AU || shinogiyu

addiction

*a few months later*

Everyday, every night, every minute, every second, every waking moment all I think about is you. It's like an addiction. One that would take forever to remove. It's like he's the king of my heart,body and soul. He's my first love and I pray to God that there will never be a second.

One thing about addictions is that you have no control over them. I have no control over the letters I write, the way I talk about you, how your always on my mind and how often we hang out. Although, I have control over one thing which is saying I love you.

It's something I hate. Almost as much as my hate for Douma. It's just three words. Why can't thoose three words slip out my mouth?

Flashback

It was dark and we were walking through the woods.

"Doesn't this remind you of when we went on a mission together?" I ask.

"It actually does now that I think about it." Giyuu replies.

We continued to walk. He was wearing his mismatched Haori. He had told me that one side represented his elder sister and the other represented his bestfriend. He was loyal. Its been years since they died but he still wears it.

I watched as the wind gently made his dark black hair move slowly. I looked at him as he used his hands to move it away. I stared deeply into his ocean blue eyes and they started looking in mine causing us to make eye contact.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" He asks.

This was it. It was my chance to confess my feelings.

"It's just that i-.... I-I I uh I I." I reply.

"Are you ok?" He says.

"Yeah..." I reply.

END OF FLASHBACK

Why was I unable to confess to him? I just can't do it. I've always been good at everything but I'm not good at telling someone how I feel. If only I could say those three words. I'm sure he woud've said yes.

"What is it that you've been thinking about?" Kanao asks.

"What do you mean?" I reply.

"Well, you've been staring at that wall for an awfully long time so I assumed there was something wrong." Kanao replies.

"It's nothing, I'm just a bit tired so I'm going to take a nap." I smile.

Giyuu POV

"This is no good, mission Giyushino is currently getting nowhere." Yumi frowns.

"I'm still waiting for the right time." I respond.

That was a lie. I have had about a million opportunities at this point but I just can't do it. I can't confess my feelings. I don't what it is. I don't know if it's the fear of losing her like Tsutako or Sabito or the fear of her rejecting me. Or maybe it's how I can't express my emotions but all of those reasons seems highly unlikely.

When I'm with her it feels like I'm someone else. I feel perfectly fine. It feels like I'm trapping in this feeling of infinite love which could last forever but that isn't enough for me to say I love you.

All of the times I could've confessed suddenly come back to me.

Flashback

I was sitting on the roof with Shinobu like how we usually do. We talked and stared at the stars but something new was in the air. Maybe it was love.

I watched as her pale skin softly glowed in the moonlight. I observed her gentle smile and I admired the look in her eyes. I loved everything about that girl. I was addicted to her.

We continue to look at the stars and I decide I should confess.

"I have something to tell you." I say.

"What is it?" Shinobu asks.

"I."I mumble.

"You what?" She replies.

"I forgot." I say.

I clearly didn't but I didn't have the guts to tell her that I'm in love with her.

END OF FLASHBACK

Maybe one day I'll tell her but for now we're nothing more than friends.