That Playgirl's Karma

🍷e i g h t🍷

⚠️ WARNING: This chapter contains depictions of suicide and emotional distress, which may be triggering or disturbing for some readers.

Nakatutok ang aking mga mata sa screen ng phone ko habang isa-isang binabasa ang mga comments sa isa sa aking post. Puro hate comments ang nakikita ko mula sa iba't ibang user.

"I look like a... what? A whore? Am I?"
Binaba ko ang aking phone at nilagok ang isang baso ng alak.

Ang mainit na pagdaloy ng alak sa lalamunan ko ay parang dinadala rin nito pababa ang mga masasakit na salitang binabato nila sa akin-na sabihin na lang nating walang katotohanan.

"I love you..." Hinalikan ko ang bote bago muling tumungga ng panibago.

To frankly say, alak lang talaga ang tumutulong sa akin sa tuwing naghihirap ako. Kasi nakakalimutan ko lahaaaat ng problema ko dahil dito.

Kinuha ko ang aking phone at hinanap sa contacts ang pangalan ng labidabii kong si Shan. Tinawagan ko ito at naghintay na sagutin niya. Ilang segundo lang, sinagot rin niya ito.

"HI SHAN!" sigaw ko sa phone.

"Hello? Shan?"

["Uh... who's this?"]

Napatingin ako sa screen para tiyaking tama ang contact na tinawagan ko. Tama naman, ah?

"Shan, ako 'to-si Azalea."

["Oh... Azalea! It's me, Migs."]

Saglit akong natigilan nang si Migs, boyfriend ni Shan, ang sumagot ng tawag. "Ah, ikaw pala 'yan, Migs! Hi..."

["I'm so sorry I didn't recognize your voice earlier."]

"Sus, wala 'yun."

["By the way, Shan is not around. He left his phone."]

"Ahh, gano'n ba?"

["Do you have anything to ask or talk about? I'll just tell Shan when he gets home."]

"Uh... w-wala naman. Mangungumusta lang sana."

["Oh, he's doing fine. Thank you. How about you, Azalea? Are you okay?"]

That question created a deep and dark hole.

Am I doing fine?

Am I okay?

["Azalea, are you okay?"]

"Yes, yes! I'm okay! Salamat, Migs. Pakisabi na lang kay Shan na tumawag ako."

Pagkatapos ng tawag, binitawan ko ang phone at napabuntong-hininga.

"I actually want someone to talk to..." But Shan wasn't around.
And I don't have anyone else.

I'm literally doomed.

Oh wait! I almost forgot!

Sinearch ko sa contacts ang pangalan ni Felix, at nakangiting pinindot ang call button.

I can't say it yet, but he could be my friend. He helped me twice, and friends help each other... so maybe?

But, am I being too irritating?

Ugh. I give up.

I changed my mind and put my phone down.

"I just want someone to talk to..."

Gusto ko lang may mapagsabihan ng mga pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. 'Yun lang!

Gusto kong mabawasan ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko kahit papaano.

Napakababaw.

But maybe it can help.

Or maybe not-'cause no one is there for me.

"Damn this life. I'm tired."

Napatulala ako habang tanaw ang pader. I don't know what to do.

Should I just... give up?

Maybe in that way, I'll finally be free.

No more hate comments. No more threats. No more curses.
No more fiery eyes staring at me every time I enter the school. No more hair-pulling. No more knives.

And maybe... my father won't be sick of me anymore.
Having a rebel, stubborn daughter must be a burden. Right?

That's it. That's the easiest thing I can do to finally be free.

Maybe... just maybe... I'll finally feel the peace I've never felt before.

Tumayo ako at napaungol nang manginig ang tuhod ko dahil sa matagal na pag-upo. Naglakad ako papunta sa bintana at isa-isang isinara ito.

Next... to the main course!

To the kitchen.

Binuksan ko ang gasul sa pinakamatinding level.

"Fvck..." Napaubo pa ako nang medyo malapit ang ilong ko sa labasan ng gas.

Nang makuntento ay bumalik ako sa kama. Tinungga ko ang huling baso ng alak. Bumuntong-hininga ako at sumandal habang dinadama ang amoy ng gasul na unti-unting sumasakop sa unit ko at sa aking buong katawan.

Dying is a bit harsh, to be honest.

But I smiled.

Because I didn't even feel afraid.

Then this is good. I will die with no regrets.

Ilang minuto pa at unti-unti nang nagdidilim ang paningin ko.

Everything I could smell was gas.

It was suffocating me-but addicting.

It numbs everything.

Kusa akong natumba mula sa pagkakaupo, at hindi ko na makita ang paligid.

Parang sumasayaw na ang paningin ko sa dilim.

I am sure... this is the end.

No more Azalea.

No more problems.

Seconds later... my whole system stopped.