That Playgirl's Karma

🍷t h i r t y - o n e🍷

AZALEA

It's been three years... but it feels like yesterday.

That night, when my eyes decided to shut as the blood I lost was almost a full bag, I knew I wouldn't survive. I accepted that I would die.

I was wrong.

I woke up, lying on a bed, and the first thing I saw were doctors checking on me, that's when I realized... I was alive.

It took me almost five months to recover from everything. I was admitted to rehabilitation when I suffered trauma, and with every session, I survived.

My dad fought for me, felt sorry, and I forgave him.

He asked me to be the witness for the case. I took it because that's what I sought. Fim was found guilty and sentenced to 125 years in prison. She will die behind those metal bars.

I was happy. I found my justice, but... that happiness wasn't enough to heal me.

He left.

Felix is gone.

Three days after I woke up in that hospital bed, he was the first person I asked about-from the doctors, from my father, and from everyone who visited.

Where is he?

But no one knew anything about him.

The only person I knew who could understand me... left me behind without a word.

But I was wrong... later that day, a policeman visited and talked to me about Felix. He knew him. He was once a friend. I remembered Felix talking about this specific policeman, and I concluded it was him.

We talked, and he told me about Felix.

That's when I started to cry like I was about to cry my eyes out.

He said Felix left. The last time they talked was when Felix asked him to rescue me from the location where I got shot and when they came...

Felix was nowhere to be found.

He tried to contact him, trace his location, and even went to possible places where Felix might be, but found nothing.

He disappeared.

That's when I also discovered that he had killed three men-shot them in the head.

He left because he knew how the law worked, and I know he left because he thought I would feel ashamed of him. He disappeared because he thought I would see him differently.

I wanted to find him, to call him and to look into his eyes again.

To tell him how much I missed him, and how much I am so thankful for everything he sacrificed for me. I wanted to look into his eyes and let him see... that I would never see him any differently.

And I want to apologize to him, for not seeing the deep wounds he had all along, the madness that grew bigger, and the desperation as he pulled the trigger.

But he was gone.

If I could bring back the time... I wish I had stood up and stopped him, but time won't go back yet the hope remains.

I joined different kinds of organizations that fight for missing people, and I studied online methods of tracking and locating, hoping I could find him there.

I went to college and never stopped looking for him. Kapag may oras, pinupuntahan ko ang mga posibleng lugar na pinupuntahan niya pero walang Felix.

Every day and almost every night, I felt the burning desperation. I wished and prayed to all the saints to help me find him.

But... nothing.

"How long are you going to do this?"

Tulala at nakasandal lamang ako sa upuan habang kaharap si Shan na nakatingin sa akin at may awa sa mga mata.

I'm used to it. Mga mata nilang puro awa habang tinitingnan ako, nasanay na, three years have passed and I am still looking for him. and also three years of worry can be seen in their eyes.

"Azalea..."

"He is alive. I know. And as long as I am alive, I will look for him. He is just somewhere... hiding or living his life, whatever. I will still look for him."

Silence filled the surroundings. Shan couldn't do anything to change it, and I would never think of giving up on Felix.

"Azalea, you know what... as your best friend, hindi ko kayang tingnan ka na halos... buong buhay mong nilalaan sa paghahanap sa kaniya, I'm just worried about what's going to happen to you. Paano kung gagamitin 'yan laban sa 'yo? We don't know what's inside the minds of people nowadays."

"Are you saying... I should give up?"

"A-Azalea, alam kong wala ako sa lugar para sabihin ito pero... please, tumigil ka na sa paghahanap sa kaniya. If he is alive, then... he should be standing in front of you now-"

"Are you also saying he is dead?"

"Azalea..."

"He is not dead, Shan. He just... disappeared."

I saw how Shan took a heavy sigh. I know... all of them are tired of me trying to prove that he isn't dead-that he will never come back-as if that would help me move on.

"I gotta go, Shan. I still have errands to do."

Without hearing his reply, I walked away.

I already expected it. Even my dad, who once encouraged me to stop, they all gave up. Because they don't understand, and they will never understand.

Felix changed me. He was the one who made me believe in purpose. He made me believe in life again.

The Azalea who was once a rebel and a playgirl is long gone now. Felix was the one who changed me, but he is nowhere to be found.

The person my heart burns for... suddenly disappeared.

Sa kalagitnaan ng gabi at sa tahimik na condominium ay parang ang tunog ng keyboard lamang ang maririnig. Suot-suot ko ang glasses habang mulat na mulat kong pinagmasdan ang tatlong screen sa aking harap.

Up until now, I am still investigating the place where the incident happened. Maybe I can find a trace of Felix's whereabouts. Every night, I keep on looking for a clue or a hint, but I found nothing.

Napasandal ako sa upuan at tinanggal ang suot kong salamin nang medyo lumabo ang paningin ko, but when I took them off, I realized the blurriness wasn't from the glasses, it was from my eyes.

Tears started to loom in my eyes and I immediately wiped them away.

But... they kept falling.

Almost every night, tears fall and my heart aches on its own.

He still haunts me until now... his presence, his voice, and everything about him.

I miss him so much.

I turned off my computer when nothing could be found.

Another night of loss... and tomorrow will be unknown. And even though the cycle would be the same again and again... I will never stop looking for him.

I looked at the stars outside-small, tiny sparks that surround the dark sky. I took a deep breath as I closed my eyes and gripped the hope I still have.

"Felix... I will find you, no matter what."