if only..

chapter 8 - PTSD sucks

Tw: Child Abuse, blood, SA, PTSD attack, LESBIANS BEWARE U HOMOPHOBES

      whats it like having someone love you?

like not insane love you like donnie..

        I was never great at handling emotions. I probably have some kind of disorder, because I never fit in. Never. Even my own parents thought I was weird, thats probably why they sold me to some strippers. I never understood love, love was a concept that I could never understand. Platonic or romantic, I would never understand. It was odd, yes, but thats how I was.

          My parents told me as a child, that a girl should always use their body for love. But everytime someone used my body, I hated it. Even when Donatello says he loves me, I don't love his touch. I rub my forehead, my mental state was not good. It had been almost a week since i left the turtles. I probably should tell Big Mama about my Self harm and depression. Would she understand though?

       Well Big Mama was the closest to me having a parent, she took care of me, even personally walked to my room at night to check up on me. Raphael just made a deal with her that I would have a place to stay, I think she had taken a liking to me. I had taken a liking for her. 

       I yawn as I move around in the pillows, the morning sun saying hello to my half closed eyes. I push off the soft blanket covering my body as I sit up. There was my morning tea with some sushi. I smiled as a little note was left with Lovely snuggy, that was the name Big Mama liked to call me. 

       I reach out and unfold the fine paper, inside was beautiful cursive, and what I could tell traditional ink. 

      "Dear Y/N

               Mommy is running some arons, be back in a jiffy !  

                               XoXo Big Mama <3" 

I smiled at the note as I folded it back up and placed it on the cherry wood drawer. I stretch my arms and legs as I reach for the sushi. I plop some in my mouth as I finish the dish. I think if Leo would ever visit me? It had only been a week, so I shouldn't be worrying if he's not gonna visit.. Right?
 

           "Ow!" I flinch, I bit my tongue while chewing on my sushi. God I get too distracted with my thoughts. Than I remember I had been clean for 2 weeks now. Did Big Mama remember? I pressed my lips together in a straight line. I had only known her for a week, would she even know I cut? I itch at my neck, maybe? I mean she cares, I can tell. Even for me who doesn't understand emotions, she cares. But what if I read this wrong? What if she's just holding her end of the line? 

       I shake my head as I get out of bed, my mouth bleeding a bit as I go get an ice pack from my mini fridge. My soft s/c feet touch the silky carpet beneath my feet. The sun smiling at me as I walk over to the pink little fridge over by my desk area. I bend over, scratching my butt. I yawn again as I open the fridge, I look at all the Monster Energy drinks and look for an ice pack.  

          I pull out a purple ice pack with smiles on it, but it reminds me of someone-... why can't I- I quickly throw the ice pack across the room, I pant, my heart racing. A sweat dropped down my forehead. Donatello Hamato, his signature color purple.. Was I having a PTSD attack? That couldn't be possible, I would of had plently from the other people who SA'd me. I tense up at the thought. I rub my forehead as I slide to the ground, curling into a small ball. My tongue wasn't bleeding anymore but I still hurt. What was this pain I felt? It was so deep inside my stomach, I cry softly as I realize Im still attached to Donnie. I loved his smile, the way he hit me, the color. I itch at my neck. I close my eyes as the tears started to flow. Why couldn't Big Mama be here now? I needed her. Why did everyone leave when I needed help?

          Knock 

                  My head jerks up to the door, I wipe my tears as I slowly get up, walking to the door. I slightly open it, a fox yokai, the one I saw every morning. I think her name was Irma? I don't know, don't care. I smile weakly at her

            "how can I help?" I ask, yawning. Damn I was yawning a lot this morning. I tried to look normal after crying. She smiled brightly at me, having a slight blush and showing her sharp teeth. 

        "Big Mama has requested you to be present during Battle's nexus match today!" The small yokai says with gleam in her eyes as he fluffy tail wags. I smile, genuine this time. I nod and put my hand in my PJ's pockets

     "well thank you-?" I say, as if asking for a name

"Irma" she replies cheerfully, I nod

"Irma, what a lovely name"
"Why thank you Y/N L/N" I tense up a bit, I hadn't heard my last name in a while. Irma 100% notices and quickly shakes her head "Im so sorry! Please don't tell Big Mama- I could get fired! and-" She fumbles, I quickly shake my head, smiling. I used to stutter too.

      "No-no its fine Irma, I just got a bit supprised that's all" I replied and she bowed, quickly turning around. Flustered and muttering to herself, I chuckle. Maybe that was love? I have no idea how to handle emotions anymore. 

      I walk over to my bed after shutting my doors, I flop onto the bed, groaning. I didn't really feel like going to the nexus battle, but it was Big Mama's favorite hobby. And I respected Big Mama enough to go. I move my head to look at the clock, 10:12 am. I sigh as I roll out of bed once more. I had enough time to get ready. I slowly slip off my PJ's as I cover myself with my hands. I hand't felt comfrotable being nude since donnie-... I shake my head to get rid of the thought as I walk to the closet. I look though some clothes, Crop top with cargo pants, no, wore that yesterday.. Laced cami top with some baggy jeans, eh sure..

      I slowly put the cami on with the jeans, putting on some Sanrio socks as well. I stop. I notice how im getting petty. I have been treated so kindly, spolied. That I have become- no- stop. You need to use this to your advantage Y/N, you have never gotten this chance ever. So use it. 

       I zip up my converse as I head to the restroom. I grab my makeup bag as i start to put on foundation, I wanted to go for like a 2014 messy emo tumblr look you know? I chose my palest foundation and plaster that all over my face. I grab my black eye liner as I slowly rub it against the under of my eyes. After that I slowly rub and blend it to give it that messy look. I yawn again. Damn how was I still tired?

     I walk over to my mini fridge and pop open a monster, cugging it down as I burp. 

                "IRMMMAAAA !!!" I call, tilting my head to see the door as I lay on my back. The doors open in a rush with the fox yokai looking stressed, but quickly smiles seeing that i am fine.

"Yes Y/N" 

"Lets hang out before the battle m'kay?" I reply, sipping my monster a bit more

"Ah!~ Yes! Of course!" She says happily, blushing as she sits next to my laying body. I sit up and smile at her. Man was she cute. Was this love?

      "right so where ya from?" I start off

             maybe this was love...