if only..

chapter 15 - stay

TW: foul language, abandonment, suicidal thoughts

                 I groan as my body ached with pain, my hand going up and down on my neck. I guess as they say, 'old habits never die', I chuckle at the irony. But I regret that because I stumble to the ground with a loud thud. I think I landed on the sidewalk, literally right next to the manhole- I was so close. Huh... Why was my life like this? Always chasing what I can't have. Always so close but can never reach. Ugh. I don't wanna get sappy when I'm literally dying of the cold New York breeze.

          I look at the manhole, tears streaming down my face as my shaking hand touches the rim of it. 

         "I can fucking do this" I reassure myself, my weak - somehow slimmer - arms push against the ground, pulling me upward. I grunt as I sit Criss cross. funny how I still use a child's vocab.  I rub my eyes as I slowly pull open the manhole cover, opening it just enough to be able to get in. I grab the food and water that Irma left me, and slowly grunt and groan down the sewer ladder. My grubby hands wrap around the railings as my feet step down repeatedly. Finally, I felt some ground and not the ladder, I look around and see a little bag, dirty of course, but it'll do. I reach down for it and unzip the zipper, placing the food and water inside. I toss it over my shoulder and drop the umbrella. I wouldn't need it in the sewers. But I frown because Irma still bought it - or used it? I don't know, either way she gave it to me. 

                I sigh and look around; it looks a bit familiar and a bit unknown but I'm sure I can find him. My head looks down at my ankle, it seems fine, I'll be able to walk. 

            One foot in front of the other, not so hard right? Well, I still stumble, I guess my mind is still rambled after Big Mama... Man I thought we could have been a family, I need one. I really need one. I rub my neck again; I shake my head. I didn't want to think about that only him. Funny how I refer to the love of my life with one word him. I don't know why anymore, honestly, I can't make sense of reality. It's just a confusing concept really, you just have to believe you were born here and once you die go somewhere that no one alive has seen or been. Hard to really trust that theory huh. 

        I stop.

                 I hear some murmurs, it sounded like Leo chatting with some other female. Did they already replace me? Was I never good enough, well of course I was never good enough. When will I ever be? I wasn't good enough for my parents, I wasn't good enough for Leo or Raph or Mikey, I wasn't good enough for Big Mama, fuck me. I have only been ever good enough was for Donnie, that's who I need to focus on, to linger on. 

         My feet go quicker, Im getting more and more familiar with the landscape. Orange graffiti surrounded the thick dirty sewer bricks that felt like it was eating me whole. 

               "wait-" My voice dry but filled with emotion, I couldn't- I had to- They can't leave me- not me! I've tried, over and over, I need this, I crave this. 

            I stumble over a fucking rock, and trip, smashing my face against the hard rocky concrete. I grunt as my shaky hand reaches towards my nose, shit- Blood. Blood tickling down my cheek as my nose hurt bad enough than it already was.  But I didn't care about my nose, or the pain, or the bruise that would form -- no it was because Donnie loves my blood. I wanted to restart, but I can't ruin it at first. I have to wait, and so I do.

         I rest my head on the cold cement wall, sighing as this would take a while. As much as I craved to see Donnie once more, I need him to be able to love me as he is. Not what he was, or at least I hope he was. I hope he was back to himself. Oh god... What if he's not? What if I'm just going to mess up his progress even more? I thought I could be better- better for him.