if only..

chapter 6 saftey

TW: suicide thoughts, intrusive thoughts, pills

        you know that one place where the moment is almost too good to be real

but what if you had that moment

                   and had it taken away oh so soon..

   The pizza grease was dripping off your fingers, yelling and laughing was all you can hear while you faught each other in a lou jitsu video game. Mikey was beating Leo, and Leo was whinning like crazy. I was on Mikey's team while Leo and Raph tried to beat us, they were really bad. We all sat next to each other on the couch. I loved this moment so much, I couldn't even hear Donnie in the other room screaming to be let out. I finally felt at peace.

       all that depression, pain, fuck even my goddamn head, I was away from.  I had survived Donnie, and me. All my messed up ideas, my messed up head, my messed up thoughts were gone in this one singular moment. 

       I liked this..

             having no worries was comfortable, I liked this feeling. My thumbs were starting to hurt, I pressed hard against the controlers. Finally I sighed after Me and Mikey beat Leo and Raph. 

"YOU CHEATED!" Leo protested

"sure" I rolled my eyes as Leon stuck out his tongue at me, I glared at him as I stood up and stretched my arms "well im pooped, g'night" they all waved as Raph bit his lip

      "i'll check up on Donnie than you at around 12" Raph said, I raised an eyebrow 

"12? ain't that a bit late?"
"well- I have lots of worries- and Raph is big so he can protect and-" He rambled, I set both my arms on his spiky shoulders as Mikey smiles at him. Leo had already stomped to his room angry as he lost. 

"Get some sleep big guy" I smile and he smiles back 

      "Raph is tired so.. fine, okay" He stands up, hovering me as he walks to his room and I walk to mine. I lay down on the soft bed, covered in blankets, I liked being warm. I took off my socks, and slipped off my clothes. I felt uncomfrotable being nude, it just brought memories of people hurting me this way.. I shake my head, trying to oppress those thoughts, I quickly put on my Gloomy Bear PJ's and flop onto the bed. I snuggle my shark plush, I dig my face deep into it. i close my eyes, tired of course but sad. After that wonderful moment, I just felt disconnected again. I itch at my neck, wear the collar used to be. It felt odd not being there.

       This feels wrong but I miss Donnie, I just wished he cared for me instead of hurt me. I wish he would take me out for pizza again, and not say Im stupid. I wish.. ugh, if only.. If only I wasn't the worse! That's it, its my fault everything happened! Im this fat, depressed, ugly. God I need to hang myself-

          take your meds. You need to focus Y/N! I remove my head from my shark plush as I look at lots of pill cases ploped on the drawer, I grab some and didn't really care to look at which meds they were. They we're either anti-depressants, insomnia pills, hallucination pills ect. The whole gig to be honest. I plop 5 random pills in my mouth, I could probably get high off this shit. But who really cares anymore?

        I sigh and lean back onto my bed, and stare at the celling. I was so tired, I missed my pets. Donnie said they were fine, but I never knew where they were. And that made me anxious. I missed my mom, even though she hit me and called me a bitch everyday, I still loved her. 

        I roll to the side, hugging tight to my plush, I re-dig my face into the shark and shut my eyes tight. I started to numb, ooooh these must be the pain pills I took. sweet. I didn't really feel anything, it was warm, I soon fell asleep. 

      You know that gut feeling when somethings about to go wrong?

      I jerk up from the bed, gasping for air, sweat rolling off my face. I turn to look at the clock, 2:36 am, dammit.. I frown and place my hand on my forehead. Well im up, better go use the restroom. I get up from my bed and place my slippers on, I slowly open my door, trying not to be loud but a creeeeeekkkk came from it anyway. 

            I tiptoed quietly to the restroom that was by the couch, I open it and go inside as I lock the door. I slip off my pants as I sit on the toilet, I check my phone. I frown again, 99+ messages of notifications from Donnie were there. Raphael Let Don keep his phone since he quote on quote "needed" it. I get up and pull my pants up as I flush the toilet. 

          I walk over to the mirror and look at my face, I pull on the skin of my eyes as the dark circles showed. I shake my head, I turn on the fossette and let the warm water cover my hands. I take the bar of soap and rub it between my fingers and place it back down as I went back to the sink where the warm water awaited me. 

      after I let the warm water sothe my hands I use a soft towel and dry my hands off. I unlock the door as I open it. I get a cold feeling. Something wasn't right. 

      No.

He's gone right?

          He couldn't hurt me

       Donatello Hamato, standing face to face with me at the frameway. A feral look on him as his eyes stare deep into mine. he drooled. I shook as I backed up to the sink, tears streaming down my face. My hand slowly rose up and started to itch my neck, old habbits I guess. he creeps closer as I breathe faster and I can feel my blood pumping though my vains. Donnie is close enough to my face as his hand touch my face, grazing it as he still had that feral look. He was a mad man! 

"I've missed you.." he says hoarsly, almost as if it wasn't his voice. He sounded dead in side, but he smiled, a dark, dark smile. 

              "you can never leave me" he whispers as he licks his lips, I bit mine. 
"Raph will know, I could scream and he'll come" I threaten him

"or will he?" Donnie chuckles as he holds his bo staff to my neck as I continued to itch, I raised an eyebrow what was he gonna do with- oh shit.

          the bo staff released a long sharp metal, that almost looked like a knife. A shiver ran down my spine. I gulped as Donnie rested his head on my collarbone, he purred as I shook viciously. He played with my h/c hair as he said my name 

        "Y/N... Y/N..." he whispered, holding me, or- me holding him? it was hard to tell as I was having a knife held to my throat. 

               "your mine"