if only..

chapter 23 - forgiveness

regular TWs

       I yawn, stretching out my body as I feel a pair of eyes staring at me. I look around, I forgot I had some weird feeling last night that made me walk back to my cell. My head turns to the clear glass, seeing Donnie staring at me. Eyes soulless, but his eyes red. Was he crying? 

  My head tilts as I wobble up, still half asleep. I wave half heartedly with an awkward smile spreading across my face, pushing back my h/c messy hair behind my ear to get out of my face. 

       "hey don- I mean Donatello" As I walk to the door, tugging onto he handle. clank. it was lock. Fear quickly goes though my body as I keep trying to open the door, frantically banging on the handle just to get the results of nothing. Sweat rolls down my face as I realize what a huge mistake I had made, how stupid my feelings felt. I turn to Donnie, tears streaming down his face. Why was he the one sad? Im pretty sure I was about to get raped or get tested on again. Shit.. Shit.. 

       Suddenly the innercom comes in into my cell, it was Donnie. he stares at me while he speaks. "Y/N, why are you in here" I hear him stammer, his voice obviously distressed. 

    "Donnie, this isn't funny! let me out" I begin to panic again, searching for a way out though before I had tried many times just to know what I already knew. The door was the only way out, and right now, that door was locked. 

     "Y/N. Why. Are. You. In. Here" He repeats himself with more force in his voice. 

      "I don't know- I just fe-felt like a weir-weird feeling I needed t-to be here" I stammer, pushing myself into the wall even though I knew it was no use, not like it was going to give me any protection. But the illusion of protection almost calmed me down, almost. 

      Then the door opens, with Donnie walking in. His body shaking, his battle shell off. He seemed, vulnerable? which is new, very new. He walks over to me, kneeling down to my face as he cups my face. I stare into his eyes but he looks away, tears welling up in his eyes. Which is even more new. So very new. 

      "I'm sorry Y/N, for everything i've put you through. I can't stop.. thinking about what I did" He says in regret, thinking about those terrible experiments he put me through. Just thinking about it made my body ache with pain, with the shocks, with the.. rape. I shiver, not wanting to experiance it again. 

     Donnie quickly pulls me into an embrace, again something new. His arms wrapping tightly around me, like how I would do when I was stuck in my cell. My wobbling hands wrap around his soft shell, hugging him a little less since I was suspiscious. I gulp, not know if this was a trick or not. 

     He speaks again "I- the real reason I want you gone, is because I can't stand seeing you. Thinking of everything I put you though. The one person who I loved romantically" He cries onto my shoulder, his sobs were loud. I still felt envious, that he was the one crying even though I've gone though way worse traumatic experiances, that he put me though. Yet I still felt, excited? That he admitted to loving me, to caring about me. That made me feeling happy in some way, but the envy was still there. 

   "I love you Y/N, I'm a horrible person. I've made you do horrible things to yourself and others. I- please forgive me" He whimpers, wrapping his legs around my waist in a desprite attempt to feel safe, to feel loved. 

  I nod slowly, not sure of what I should say. My mouth wouldn't move because I was just in shock, never in my life I thought anyone would say sorry to me. Normally - because of the fuck up I am - I was the one saying sorry or begging for forgiveness. Yet the man I was obsessed with was here begging for me. That made me so so so happy. So very happy to know I was in control of something in my life. 

    I figured I could take advantage of this situation, control him, manipulate him. All for revenge. All for the burning rage that would never stop, a burning rage that could take over me in just a matter of seconds because of something that I could never forget. 

     But as much as I wanted to hurt him, to do everything that he did to me but worse. I couldn't, I still loved him with 3/4's of my heart. The 1/4 was hate for him and myself. Because I still wanted to hold him, to cuddle him in bed as we watch Jupiter Jim. To dance with him to his crappy techno music, or watch Twilight with him too. To have a normal date at Run of the mill pizza. Where that freaky bone guy served some monstrous looking pizza that Donnie loved, which made you happy. 

   "of course" I whisper, it wasn't my best response but I was pretty shocked so it was the best I could do. 

           Donnie's POV 

     I hold tightly on Y/N, as tears flood my face. I felt so stupid, so idiotic. So weird. Sometimes I wish I had never met Y/N, to never hurt the most prepossessing person ever to lay eyes on. Y/N deserved a life where they could be able to live, find someone, get married. Maybe have children if that's what they wanted. But yet, every time I thought of someone else - man or women - made my blood boil furiously. This feeling made me want to put cameras in their old apartment, to shove Y/N's dead animals in this new person's face to tell them what I'm capable of. 

     How selfish I am, to still want someone like Y/N. Even though I know damn well what i've done doesn't deserve their forgiveness. To deserve their sympathy. 

      But their warm body just made me so happy, to be loved. Not by family or friends. But be loved in a way no one else has. Smelling their scent always made me happy, cherry flavored. I remember giving Y/N paper with a cherry scent once. (CHAPTER 1 REFRENCE !!!) This made my shell tingly. I loved them, that would never change. Even my old sociopath self would agree with me. I am madly in love with Y/N.

      "I love you Y/N" I blurt, and I feel them stiffen underneath me. I immeatitaly regret saying that, even though it was true. I knew it made them uncomfortable, after everything I put them through. It almost reminds me of stockholm syndrome, I really hope that's not the case. I really, really, hope that's not the case. 

       "I love you too" I hear them whisper underneath me, their body relaxing as they hold me tighter instead of loose. I dig my face into their collarbone, a warmth surrounding me. Giving me hope. To restart. To redo this mess in something so much better. 

       to finally love again.