if only..

chapter 12 - gone

TW: Death, blood, foul language the usual 

  Normal POV: 

            I wish I never texted him, never set up that date. Never went on that train, never went on that date. Wish I never lived, wish I never self harm, wish I made friends, which I didn't let them Rape me. I wish a lot of things didn't happen.. But im just so stupid, aren't I?

           to get to this point in my life

I never thought it could happen

            but my feral little pet growling at his own blood, protecting me but hurting me at the same time. I never thought someone could get so obsessed with me, a lame person who wants to die. A nobody in better words. But there he was, on all fours, looking as if his genuis brain was gone. no. He was gone. There was no Donatello Hamato no more, just a mutant turtle who has an obsession with a crazy person. I wonder if Big Mama's guards would come soon. Im pretty sure Big Mama liked to check up on me in the night, shes protective of course, but not as much as Donnie. It wasn't even Donnie anymore, I flinched at the sight of mikey's blood.

         I flinched as Donnie was thrown, I flinched at everything now. Some sort of PTSD I guess.. I crawled under my bed as I tried to hide, tears streaming down my face. If only.. If only.. 

         I held tightly to my head, and blocked the noise with my hands to my ears. I didn't want this, in fact I didn't think anybody did. I was alone, like literally. Nobody had experianced this but me, I couldn't relate to anyone, I was truly alone. I hear loud crashes as I heard some more people come into the room, finally. Im pretty sure Big Mama's goons and her came to the rescue. I didn't want to come out though, I was too afraid.

         I've been afraid my whole life, it hasn't kept me safe, no not at all, but its kept me sane. For the most part at least. 

         Another crash, I flinched

              If only Donnie had never met me, he would have been happy with his brothers and sane. I would have eventually killed myself but I wouldn't have to deal with this. I breathed hard, and shook too. I was always scared, I hated it. I hated this. 

         More crashing, and this time yelling.

   I never wanted to come out now, I wanted to stay underneath my cold purple bed, where it was somewhat safe. I could die down here, but than again I could die anywhere and i'd be satisfied. I curled up into a ball, it was tight down there but I was fine with it. The tears started to stop but I shook even more, I guess my eyes just didn't have enough tears to cry all night. I gently raised my hand and rubbed my eye, ouch- It definatly was red, even if I couldn't see it. I itched my neck, ugh old habbits never die. I flinched at my own touch but I didn't stop itching, in a way it just felt right. 

       "DONNIE!" I think Raph screamed, I quickly covered my ears again as the yelling continued. I think I heard some "STOP PLEA-" and "ARROW!" from Big Mama. Again I didn't come out. I wanted to curl up and rot by myself, I smiled at the thought. 

         I guess I had caused such a mess now, I couldn't just die as much as I wanted to. I mean I had a friend now, if Leo even counted. I bet he doesn't even like me anymore, and than Mikey and Raph wouldn't even look at me if I tried. And Donnie, I still loved him, a bit too much but he was gone. My smart genius was gone. Than the tears started coming back again

     How long was it? It seemed like forever, under that bed. I mean- it wasn't horrible just boring. I kinda regretted how mean I was to renet, she was sweet and I just was a bitch to her. I hate myself for everything I have done, for all the people i've hurt. 

          "ARROW PLEASE COME OUT ITS ME!" I heard big mama, I guess the screaming and fighting I was hearing was gone now, so I think it was okay.. right?..

           My head peeped out under my bed as I looked around, Big Mama was in her yokai form. Her big spider like self stressed and bloody. The room looked like a blood bath, everything was almost covered in blood as I saw two dead bodies. I quickly closed my eyes and shivered as I tried to speak

        "h-here" I said weakly, but it was enough for Big Mama to see me and quickly rush to me as I open my eyes. Her claws scouped me up in her arms as I cried into her, she shhshed me and cooed me, which helped a bit. I held on tight to her furry self, as it was keeping me warm.

        "w-what happened.." I asked quietly as the tears started to die down, I could tell Big Mama hesitated to speak

         "your turtlely boo was- well.. he wasn't in the right little head space, he ended two of my wittle gittlly goons, and hurt his other giggly brothers.." She said quietly, still using her fake words. "but you my dear, are safe diddly here" she added

       I nodded as I looked over at the mutalated bodies, bite marks and rips were there, blood still spilling out "what happened to the other turtles?.." I say with more voice, not as shaky but still quiet.

      "they left with their coo coo brother" she say as she rocked me back and forth, I wish she was my mother growing up, when I never had one. I would have turned out better, better... I hated my parents, mostly because they left me for money. But Big Mama, she would have treated me- no she would treat me like a princess and would have never let me get raped ever. And I mean ever. I would have lived to be a better person, and not be so overly complecated and annoying. 

       She walked out of the room where I saw a bunch of medics who were ready to clean my room, and tend to the dead. Than there was Renet who looked worried as ever, as she saw me safe I could tell she sighed in relief. I smiled at her, even after I was such a bitch to her she still cared. Thats the type of person I want. I still loved donnie, I mean I craved him, he was my heroin. A drug for me that I couldn't live with out. It was toxic, yes, but it kept me somewhat alive in a way. 

    Bit Mama lead me to her room, with a bigger bed than mine and a smaller one next to hers. She plopped me on my f/c silk bed that was next to her huge dark blue and purple one. She slowly turned back into her human form and sighed as she sat on her bed. I looked up at the ceiling, lots and I mean lots of white webs dangled from the ceiling. It was almost beautiful, as it glimmered in the night skys light, it took my mind off of everything for once. 

     "You will be sleeping with me for a while deary" She says as she rubs her forehead in stress, I crawl over to her bed as I lay my head on her lap, she creases my head as she hums. I want her to be my mom, I think I would be happy with her. I close my eyes as she lays down, my head resting on her stomach as it went up and down every breath she took. 

       that night, I slept good even after everything that had happened.