if only..

chapter 20 - was this worth it?..

TW: idk rlly

        "so.." Leo paused "how are you dealing with all of this" He looks at me, my torn body. A lifeless vessel that only talks and blinks. Maybe breathe from time to time but that would be it. A body that had no more life except to be a friend to the kindest mutant ever. 

       "I'm fine- kinda" I  shrug as I take a sip of my coke. "just feels so bizarre, ya' know?" 

           "I feel ya" He smiles at me, but deep down I knew he felt guilty for me. But I seriously can't let my mind get stuck on a stupid intuition again. It has been going so well, so far.  "Here let me put on some classic Jupiter Jim, okay?" He gets up from his bed, grabbing a cassette tape from the TV's table. Putting it in whatever the hole was called to play the damn film. 

         He sits back down next to me, hugging me close. I lean my head on his shoulder, not in a romantic way but a way I think any friendship is. The film starts to play "Jupiter Jim; Sailing the Seven Galaxies"  I chuckle at this, he had obviously put his favorite film instead of mine (which is superior) "Jupiter Jim's Pluto vacation IV  " 

        While the film plays, I feel bad that Leo is the only one taking care of me while everyone else wants me out. Except mikey- kinda? he feels that its great I stay with Leo until everyone it more comfortable around me. Which makes me feel like the bad guy, which I don't think I am. Am I? No. I can't get stuck on a thought again. While only Leo can handle me, I sometimes have very sort therapeutic sessions with Mikey. Who actually got a degree in something like therapy or like that. 

       But Im just so greatful that Leo is someone who cares so much about me. And he's been asking me all these questions to make me feel wanted and-

         "So.. hows your boyfriend? Usagi?" I blurt out, and he giggles his gay ass laugh. 

          "he's good- that fluffy idiot. He's gonna come back soon, cuz you' know dimension traveling takes a lotta energy from some source. Wish there was enough where we could see each other more. I just love him so much ugh!" He laughs, and I laugh too. He loves Usagi, like a lot. Which made me feel jealous sometimes, but because I felt he would leave me again. So- trust issues and separation anxiety, I'll add that to my trauma list. 

      "gwad man, can you get any more obsessed?" I chuckle, but Leo doesn't laugh along. Shit, what is it that' I said?

            "Y/N.. You need to talk to Donnie" He looks away, awkward. He was never good at expressing his feelings. Joking was his coping mechanism.  

         "nope" I say blankly, there was really nothing to it. My story with him was over, I thought that was a good thing, right? I mean, I still loved him, more then Leo and Usagi. More then myself, but I had to put it past me. For my safety and his. Talking to him would only make me remember that there was no love left, just something that could have been beautiful but was broken. How did I come to this? A train, a date. one date and he was hooked. One experiment and I was hooked. Am I a masochist? God that would explain a whole lotta shit if that were true.

       "you have too or- I might have to kick you out" He says quietly. I pause. He pauses and looks back at me, I lift my head off his shoulder. He grabs the remote, pausing the movie promptly. "I don't want to, believe me. Its Raph, he's just so paranoid. He loves you but he loves our family more.. And he's just worried that you and Don need to sort shit out or things might get messy... again.."

         I stand up from the bed, my mind blank. I mean, I knew this was coming sooner or later. I just was trying not to get stuck on a thought. I'm so fucking stupid, ugh. But this was really my only place to stay. Maybe I could try and find Irma, but I couldn't do that to her. She was so sweet, i'd be a pain. 

          "fine.." I mumble, sitting back on the bed as I put my hands on my eyes. Curling into a ball. I hear him sigh and feel him put his hand on my shoulder. 

         "Y/N.. I hate everything that's happened. I really wish we could have been friends without all of this shit. You are my closest friend ever, I don't wanna lose you again. I'm sorry you-"
           "it's fine." I grumble, standing up as I walk over to his table. Leo's room was easy, still the same since the kraang invasion or whatever. That's what I knew anyway. I sat on the chair, staring at the floor. "when do I have to talk to him?" I say quietly.

           "In an hour" 

           "WHHHHATTT????" I threw myself out of the chair, as I scrambled for clothes. This made him laugh. I missed that, even if it wasn't that long ago. 

           "Chill out dude! He doesn't care what you look like, he's probably freaking out about what he's gonna wear!" Leon chuckles, but frowns again. "Donnie's probably freaking out about what to wear, like your first date." 

              I can't even remember what I was wearing our first date. 

            Even though I don't want to talk to him. I want him. To feel him inside of me, I still love him. 

      He will love me. 

   OMG IM SO SORRY FOR NOT POSTING!!! I had exams all Month so I'm rlly happy that school is over! I will continue this fanfic more often now :) thank you for all the support, I rlly cannot believe how much love this silly story has gotten. Though this fanfic is coming to an end sooner or later, I will make a whole new one for you weirdoz 2 enjoy!!!! The ending for this will come in like 6 more chapters, maybe 8? Don't know but it will be big! alr byyyyyyyyeeee <333