if only..

chapter 29 - painting memories

TW: trauma 

      I can't really remember the gruesome acts that took place, all I know is that I can still remember the blood dripping out of the garbage bag, oozing onto my hands. The terrifying fear coursing through my body as I just hear that awful, awful laugh. Yet it sounded like church bells, or a choir singing in harmony.

    That's all I want to remember, all I'm going to remember. I don't want to fucking remember, but at the same time its still replaying in my head. Over, and over and over and over.. A none stop nightmare replaying till the point of my insanity. 

    Yet I'm here, in the present, laying in his arms as he coos me and my worries. He brushes my hair, talking about the ideas that are replaying in his head. Just talking about it as the thought forms in his head. If I said anything, he would make me do something like that all over again. Just to make me be used to the horrific acts that accrued, but in truth I would never be able to get used to it. 

    "So anyway, I was thinking about adding a new circuit board into S.H.E.L.D.O.N's programing to make him more-" he pauses, staring at me as I stare blindlessly somewhere else "Y/N, are you okay?"

  I blink twice before looking back at him, my train of thought gone. "oh yeah, sorry my mind is in a completely different place right now" 

   "is it because of the dismembering?" he says without any tone, fuck. I nod my head slightly, he only just caresses my head, playing with my hair. "well that's normal, if you didn't feel that way you would be insane" He does not have the right to talk about what's insane or not. But all I can do is nod and smile, like a fucking doll. "yeah of course.." 

    I get up from the bed, this startled Donnie a bit but quickly regained his posture, knowing I can't get anyway from. "um Im gonna go draw with Mikey, haven't talked to him in a bit" I say, chuckling lightly to keep myself from blurting out my true intentions. 

 I wander out of his room, into his lab. Not wanting to see what his mind was crafting, feeling disconnected from my body as I just walked into and out of his lab. I can't remember how long it took me until I went into the lair's Atrium, seeing Leo going up and down with his skateboard, not noticing me as he's on a call with Usagi. I don't mind, not a lot of people notice me any time I go out in public, I should expect no one will notice me at home. 

   I walk out of the atrium, and into Mikey's room. I knock on the door, immediately Mikey greets me with a hug. 

       "Y/N! Hi! I haven't talked to you in like 3 days! all you do is hang out with Donnie" he groans but still keeps up his playful banter. I smile weakly, hugging him back, not wanting to let go of the only safe thing in my life. 

     "heh, sorry.. Me and Donnie are um, were just so happy together" I lie straight through my teeth. While there was some truth in that - I loved him more then life - It just itches at me why he hurt Irma so irresponsiblly, so emotionally. Donnie normally plans everything, but from what he told me.. Irma tried to hurt him, so he acted on the flight or fight situation. 

      "whats wrong Y/N? your itching the back of your neck again.." Mikey asks, and I quickly realize I am in fact itching the back of my neck. I stop, smiling awkwardly, trying to shrug it off. 

   "oh- heh I didn't even noticed I'm doing that, sorry"

   "no need to say sorry.. Wanna go do arts and crafts to cheer you up?"

   I nod, feeling better already as I follow Mikey into his colorful room. Ferry lights were strung up everywhere on the celling, murals painted in spray paint are everywhere on the wall with famous advocates for justice, or superheros like batman, Turtle Titan ect.. I smile as he leads me into his painting room, where a blue canvas laid - I assumed Mikey was already painting before I came in. 

   I sat down next to him, as he hands me a blank piece of white paper along with; pencils, colored pencils, erasers. Something you would give to an actual artist, or something Mikey would have (and low and behold he did) I smile again, just trying to be friendly as I stare at the paper, trying to think of what to draw. All while Mikey is already painting strokes in beautiful artistic ways, while my dumbass is sitting here, staring at this paper. 

     Trying to shake the feeling of stupidity off, I begin to draw, literally whatever comes to mind. Mikey (in our earlier sessions) would tell me drawing or painting is a healthy way to express my emotions, in fact thats what he does when he needs to vent or something.. 

   Quickly taking the pencil, scribbles and etches engraved into the paper. Just madness in any normal peoples eyes, all it was was just black nonsense of nothing. Then I started to write words, adjectives of someone I knew well, but yet I couldn't put my finger on who. I would write words such as; "cruel", "amazing", "smart", "manipulative", "handsome", "loving", "evil" or "determaned". Which once you put the puzzle pieces together, it sounded a lot like my relationship with Don. 

     I couldn't tell you how many words that meant absolutely nothing but everything at the same time on the damn paper. The words would overlap, or be side by side. It still meant the same thing, Donnie. All I could think about was him, whether it was the bad or the good. I could only think about him. 

    I stab the pencil into the paper, creating a hole in the middle. Frustration coursed through my body before I Burst into tears. Why the fuck can't I get that sick son of a bitch out of my head?! 

      "Y/N?.. Do you need a hug?" Mikey quickly asks, and all I could do was nod.

               I wish donnie didn't have to come into the room.

hehehe, hope u luvv this one!! wordz were umm 1093 sorry itz sort! had to make this before school started to you guys wouldn't have to wait so long :C