if only..

chapter 18 - tired

not gonna put any TW just be warned yk

                 I don't like today

or any more days that will come

I don't think its worth it, you know?

         I turn my head to the posters plastered on the wall, Lou jitsu and Jupiter Jim. It was cold, I mean Don said it was 70 degrees but to me, nothing could warm me again. I know it sounds cheesy and poetic and pathetic. But I just.. can't feel. I mean, I feel the pain in my body every second I move, but.. I can't feel feelings. Maybe that's a good thing though, to not let my emotions take control of me. I mean, look where it got me, in a makeshift hospital bed with stitches and bandages covering my whole body, pain being the only thing that was here for me. 

      I turn my head to the ceiling, taking note of the paint marks on it, just like time and time before. It was my only entertainment, since no one would visit me, except Donnie. But I wouldn't count it as 'visiting' more like checkups. He would only ask me questions like; "where do you feel the pain" or "on a scale of 1-10.." It was misery. And anytime I tried to start a conversation, he would immeatitaly say that the checkup is over. I was truly alone, forever this time. 

     I groan, I didn't want to rot in this bed forever. With people who knew I was there but couldn't even look at me. I was disgusting I suppose, I wouldn't want to look at me. 

       "ugh fuck.. why couldn't I have just died.. would have saved me from everyone being awkward around me" I grumble, as I rub the back of my neck, shifting without too much pain. Which was hard but I managed, I can pull though anything physical just not mental. 

     I look at the little beeping thing that I think tracks my heart rate, it just won't shut up. And this blood pumping though me, the long tube attached to my wrist. I don't want this, I want him. Why, why can't we be perfect? is that too much to ask for?
           well of course it is.

    I don't deserve anything, even if I've suffered enough. Ugh. Where is Leo? why hasn't he come to see me? I though we were doing okayish. I miss him too, why do I miss sooooo much, its a pain. I groan again. This fucking tube is bothering me like crazy. I itch at it like a maniac, just get off me you-

      pop 

"oh shit." The tube yanks off of my wrist as blood falls out of the tube. FUCK- I reach over to stop it from spilling everywhere but I can't move without screaming. And that fucking heart monitor, I punch at it. Donnie is going to be pissed, but you know what? Fuck him, I'm tired of being all lovely dovey for him, waiting for him, being all pretty for him. I Don't deserve him, I only need myself. 

 Fuck Leo for not being there for me, fuck him for promising he'd visit. Fuck him for lying and turning his back on me, when i needed him most

Fuck Raph for sending me to Big Mama, we were fine, they just weren't taking good care of their own brother. Fuck him for acting like a parental figure for me but ignoring me like everyone else. Fuck him for not beliving April is a bitch. 

Fuck Mikey- wait no, Mikey is too sweet. Even though he stands with Raph. 

FUUUUUUUUUUCK April, bitch.

and lastly Fuck Donatello, for making me messed up. For making me obsessed, for making me insane. For testing on me, for leaving me. For- for. I don't even know anymore! its just..

"too much.." I whisper, I chuckle as I realize everything. Every shit thing that happened for me, wasn't my fault. It wasn't anyones fault, it was just too much for my weak little body to handle. Because I can't take this anymore, thats why im depressed, thats why I have an ED, thats why I hurt myself. It all makes sense now. Im just tired. 

TYYY FOR ALL THE LOVE!!! sorry I haven't been posting, im planning on finishing this series and starting on a new one. annnd sorry this one was short. Me eepy