can't be friends

reckless - impossible.

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1 week later
Emily's POV

I haven't slept in days. How did I mess up so bad? JJ is completely right for leaving me. Derek sleeps at our, my... apartment so I have a friend around.

She blocked me on everything. All of our posts are gone. Why did I kiss Elle? I don't even like her I don't know why I did it.

JJ is the love of my life and I fucked it up. So bad. There was no good reasoning for me to kiss Elle and i literally don't know why I did it just. I just did.

Everyone on campus stares at me everytime I go to class so I stopped going to classes. I want to know how JJ's doing. I need to hear her voice and I need to know if she's okay.

"Derek can you call JJ please. I won't say anything I just want to know how she's doing." "Emily I already tried she hasn't answered any of my calls. My friends dating one of the soccer girls and he said JJ barely leaves her room. That's all I know. She'll talk to you when she's ready. You need to give her that time Emily or it's going to blow up in your face again." "Do you think she would take me back?" I ask. "Honestly Emily.... You know you really fucked up. Especially since you cheated with Elle. Maybe if you did it with some other girl JJ would find a way to forgive you... but Elle? I'm your friend and I'm gonna be honest with you. If I were JJ I would not forgive you." Derek says and I start to cry. Wow I fucked up so bad.

——
JJ's POV

I moved into the house with all of my soccer friends. They had a spare room and offered it and honestly I would prefer this over being at Derek's which is right need to Emily.

I haven't spoken to her since the game. I blocked her on everything and removed all posts with her. I hate that pretty much everybody knew about our break up. It's all anyone is talking about and I need everyone to shut up.

I just keep repeating to myself the same question. With Elle? Did she like her this whole time? I'm such an idiot.

I haven't been to any of my classes in a week and my teachers are starting to send me concerned emails. I really don't care tho. I don't leave my bed unless it's to use the bathroom or grab a snack. I haven't been able to eat any actual meals because I've been so anxious that the food won't sit in my stomach.

I hate not seeing her. I hate that i miss her so much. I hate that I still love her.

"Hey JJ." Brooke knocks on my door, "Do you want to come out with us tonight?" She asks. "I would but I have to catch up on homework." I say.

I lied. I don't even have the strength to hold a conversation what makes anybody think I could go out.

I pull my blanket up and close my eyes. Drifting to sleep.

-

I wake up crying after having a dream about Emily, I reach for my phone and see the time 3:09 am... I fell asleep at 12 pm did I just sleep for 13 hours? Whatever.

I scroll through my phone for the first time in days and saw the Derek called me a bunch of times, so did Pen... and Spencer. I even got a few from Dave and Hotch.

My coaches sent me a few text trying to check up on me. I clicked on snap and my notifications were filled of people asking me if I'm okay. Didn't know this many people cared about me. I guess that's what happens when I surrounded my life around one person. I didn't realize I even had this many friends here until now.

My stomach was growling so I went downstairs to find something to eat. And I ended up crying because one of the girls made brownies earlier and left them out. I love brownies. So does Emily.

"Hey!" Laney says walking into the kitchen. "What are you doing up?" I ask. "Couldn't sleep. Guessing the same for you?" "Opposite. I slept too much." I say.

"Why are you crying?" She asks. "It's stupid. Everything just reminds me of emily." I say. "That's not stupid at all. Break ups are hard. Trust me I've had my fair share of them. With time it starts to hurt a lot less. I promise."

I hate the word promise. Emily promised me she loved me and that she would never hurt me over and over again for two years straight. She lied to me for two years straight.

"After me and Troy broke up I didn't leave my room for 2 months. Then I realized that I wasn't going myself any good, locking myself away from the world." She says. "I just... need a minute. I still haven't even fully processed everything." I say. "When are you going to start going back to class? I love you JJ but you need to think about your future. You have to get that degree that's why you're here in the first place. You can't bailout now when you're so close to the finish line." She says.

"You're right. I just- I don't know I just can't bring myself to do anything. I'm really trying but it's so hard." I say. "Maybe you should consider getting a therapist." She says. "No... I can't tell a random stranger my issues."

"Talk to me about it. I fully understand again I've been through like 4 break ups now? Men and women. So I get it. I can help." She says.

She sits down at the island and I grab an orange and sit across from her.

"Elle.... Told me that I'm the reason my sister died. That I wasn't good enough to keep my sister alive and then she went and spread rumors about it. She ended up apologizing but I never forgave her. Emily kissed the girl that disrespected me and my sister. Publicly too. And then she tells me she didn't mean it like that's supposed to help. Everybody knows about it which makes it worse because everybody looks at me like some fragile girl who's going to shatter any second. That's why I don't leave my room. I don't want the pity. And the public views me as a soccer player who got cheated on by a politicians daughter, so that doesn't help me either. I miss her. For some reason I still love her. It's hard to even think about not loving her. We were together so long how am I just supposed to never speak to her again. How do I stop loving her?"

"It's going to take time. What she did was extremely messed up and your feelings are 100% valid. It does not matter what anybody or the public thinks of you. But tell me, who do you want to be JJ? You've locked yourself away for a week and if you don't pull yourself out of the gutter you're going to keep spiraling. I'm your friend, and I won't let that happen. I won't let you give up on yourself and your life. It starts now, you can still be upset over Emily... let yourself feel those emotions, and then let it pass. But you have to start taking care of yourself. It's hard to do things all by yourself, you have a village behind you JJ. There are so many people who love and care for you and want to see you succeed. Ask for help, it doesn't make you weak it makes you brave. Ask yourself, who do you want to be, who are you?"

By now multiple tears were falling down my face.

"I don't know who I am without emily." I cry. "Yes you do. Tell me, who are you?" "Im a person that cares a lot. I care so deeply about people and I feel emotions very heavily. I love soccer, I love being there for people. I don't know." I say.

"Who do you want to be?" She asks. "I want to help others. I want to help people in bad situations and make their day better. I want to be a person who can accept the bad things and move on from it. I don't want to cry anymore about it. I don't want to sad. But I want Emily." I cry.

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