can't be friends

i'm trying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 days later
JJ's POV

It's been a few days since Emily and I... yeah.

I haven't seen her since, haven't talked to her, haven't been able to take my mind off of her.

I locked myself back in my room these past few days, Only leaving to go to class. Safe to say I don't think us having sex was a good idea because now I'm more hurt than I was before.

It hit me that we are actually done, no longer girlfriends the morning after we did it. My friends have tried to check in to multiple times but I shut them down every time.

I keep telling them I'm fine, but in reality I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm so mad at myself for not being better for her, I blame myself for the fact that she kissed Elle. If I was better she wouldn't have done that.

But I gave her all of me, I put all of my energy into her. I put all of my love into her. I've spent my whole entire life loving people as hard as I can and now the thought of loving gives me a panic attack.

I lay in my bed, staring up at my ceiling. I finished classes for the day and I just cannot wait to go home for winter break, I need a break from this place.

There's a knock on my door. "Who is it?" I ask. "Your coaches." I hear Coach Bellas voice.

What the fuck.

I get up, my hair being put up in a bun and I'm wearing a big hoodie with shorts.

I open the door and there's the three of them standing there, Coach Brielle was holding a huge basket and handing it to me.

Cute gesture. I would appreciate it more if I didn't feel so absolutely numb and tired right now.

"Thank you." I fake smile.

"JJ your friends are worried about you. We're worried." Vic says. "What is this? Some sort of intervention?" I fake laugh, putting the basket down at my desk.

"Can we come in?" Bella asks. "Might as well." I say.

They come in and shut the door. "Have you been talking to anybody throughout this break up? Like a therapist?" Brielle asks. "No, sitting on a shrinks couch talking about my feelings isn't going to help me." I start organizing stuff on my desk.

"You'd be surprised how much it could help." Vic smiles. "Noted." I say.

"Have you even eating?" Brielle asks. "I've been trying, my anxiety is really bad right now and my stomach can't hold down any big meals anymore."

"You get why we're worried right?" Bella says.

I get flashbacks to Emily going through a lot and her telling me she was scared to worry me. I told her worry about everything anyways and that's my duty here on this planet. Now I don't know what my role is here anymore.

"I just want to be left alone. I'm fine. I'll figure it out eventually, I always figure it out. I just need time. It's not that serious." I start to tear up.

"Jareau you've locked yourself away from everybody. You can't eat, you just started going to classes again... you're not taking care of yourself. Girls have tried to help you, but you're letting yourself drown. Let us help you. People need you." Brielle says.

So I'm letting people down, great.

"I don't want to talk anymore, I'm tired." I say. "Jennifer." Bella says. "Please. I don't want to talk about it. I'll be fine."

-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Staring at my phone, staring at emily's contact.

It's taking everything in me to not call her. I miss her voice. I made a mistake, I shouldn't have ended things. I miss her so badly I don't even care that she cheated anymore.

I just cannot shake the principle of things.

I shut my phone and turn over to the window, it was a beautiful pink sunset outside.

Sucks that everytime I see a sunset I think of her. I wonder if she's looking at it right now too?

I grabbed my keys and threw on sweatpants, getting into my car. I didn't have a destination I just needed out the house.

I ended up driving for hours on 1-80 E. Which eventually led me to New York City. I didn't plan to come here and I have no intention of getting out the car. I'm blasting sad music and just thinking about everything, looking out my window and admiring the view.

I realized how sleepy I felt and I probably don't have the energy to drive back right now. I stopped at a place that sells amazing cookies and I ate them in my car. Usually I would be embarrassed to be doing this alone, but it was actually extremely comforting.

I have an aunt that lives about 30 minutes away but I'm too tired to drive there. I might just book a hotel.

As I park my car I get the extreme urge to call emily. Sometimes I just want to hear her voice. I was used to calling her whenever I wanted for 2 years and now we aren't even on speaking terms. Funny how fast things change.