My Midnight Thoughts: Things I Have In Mind, People Don't Know

The Exordium

My midnight thoughts : things I have in mind, people don't know.

I scraped onto a new odyssey that stumbles before my feet, only to know I was imprisoned by the past that haunts me, that prevents me from opening up a new chapter I yearned to witness. When would I be free? Or when would I be that Liberated from the agony I felt from the history I once left, that keeps me awake at night?

In years passing by, a lot of challenges that brings. Moving on wasn't easy for us to work out on our own if something or someone from yesterdays been ghosting us along the way while we're traveling around in our phase of life.

Finding remnants and putting them back together to reminisce about the old times. Reading about what's new on the news you've missed. Thinking how far you've been through, and how old you've become about something. Nothing new happened for a glance you hoped that is incredible, but it's not. The enthusiasm fades away right before you could grin on a sunset that turns into a dark blue sky. We've been tracing a lot of grudges we carried along the way while growing up on our own, and at the same time, those memories to remember because of the joyful moments that somehow tear us apart because it has been frozen there and will never come back as how we live life now at the present. We can never go back there and change the history we made from the past that we hoped to recreate the bonds that we once lost, and the mistakes that we shouldn't do in that moment.

In the middle of the night, we keep wondering about the traces and footprints that we once walked through that eventually had become the biggest mistakes we've made. Such unintentional mistakes we've done that broke out some of the bridges you tried to build years ago - now devastated because you thought you weren't enough, or it was their egos and pride that prevents it from being constructed, and destroying it. Such camaraderie lost, I knew you were suffering. The more painful it was to remember the good old times you spent from your dearest friends who have enriched your life to become a better person, now you're on the glass-window glaring at the remnants of the past, you knew it was there before, but now it's gone.

The ricocheting salty tears that run from your conjuctivae, through your cheeks, and down to your pillow that you used to lay down when you fall asleep at night. Night's been unusual with those circling conflicts you have in mind. You feel frustrated about yourself that causes you a self-hate, an "anti-hero", you uttered it to describe yourself, self-loathing. You cry as you watch people get what you wanted that made you envious and overwhelmed. But also cried for those people who are suffering from life's circumstances - from what life has bestowed onto them, made you feel empathetic. You visualize yourself being the ugliest of them all due to your huge insecurities.

Delusions from a fiction you created had only become a dream of yours that never came true. You crave for magic to happen that someday, someone will come in a miracle. However, received the greatest stitches that you never wished to exist instead.

A massive amount of acquaintances that eventually became your friends, have lost and found their new intimate companions savoring moments without you belonging in. There's this inevitable circumstances that made you think that you were left behind for a reason that you're now irrelevant to their life, hence, you tried to reconcile and keep and mind that "people always come around, but leave eventually". Such drastic moments of romantic relationships you thought would last for an eternity, that caught fire once you knew it was all over. Have it another way from a relative of ours who wanted our company, our helping hand, that fades away when we need them. You keep pacing back and forth, picturing if it was you who was the problem, or was it them?

A lot of treachery roads we walk in a world full of treacherous beings. Where they utter their promises and oaths that they suddenly take it back once they've got what they wanted. A person you knew has colored your life, had betrayed you for a shortcomings of certain desires that he wanted from you. Such betrayals had caused you to be brutal that you even put them on your list of names, only to remember about what they did, and planned something to get back to them. Fantasizing about vengeance would've been a great idea to think for someone that caused you falsity, who double-crossed you for the worst - making you miserable as always.

Every night, you become artistic. And each night you keep your eyes wide awake, you've become an architect that drew plans for your future. If plans work out, you cried on tears of joy. If plans fail, you snuggle with your blanket on a corner in grief, wallowing- in which those failures further explain why you asked the creator about your existence - that almost destroys your belief system.

Colors cascaded from the pictures you painted from day to night with confusing identities you have, wondering which version of you should last, shedding skin like a snake does, just to start all over again. A queer thought you possessed, made you keep up wide awake at night. You brainstormed your curiosity of your personal identities and preferences to which you interrogate yourself of whether you are red or blue, a mixture of both, or much darker than those mentioned that is as mature as everyone thinks.

In the middle of the night, you think of this enigmatic person who eventually came into your life, trying to paint you out with various of screaming colors, signifying awakening your true identity as he would ask you a question to whom you loved, might as well made you be delusional as you wake up in the morning where you see nothing but sunshine when it was supposed to be pouring rain that night. The person you knew who has entered into your life, deceived you for just a glance, killing you for a thousand gatling guns simultaneously hitting those ammos to every part of your body. Now, who could've thought that "love at first sight" was real, right?

At midnight, we overworked the cradle for success. A hallowed-eyed from a lack of sleep, only tells that you work hard just to achieve what you wanted to be in life - a recognition that you wished to have in order to gain honor and respect, as if you were an elderly treated well in a manner. Surviving the wars we have in life despite sleepless nights, worked as satisfaction if we knew that we became on top. That's what we wanted all along, nothing else more.

While we're stuck on still being confused whether love takes us to the journey between happiness and sadness, it makes sense why we always stare proportionally to the sky at midnight wondering about what it could be. The delusional traits we have in our heads, thinking that one person would love us the way how we wanted ourselves to be loved by others, is just another feeling of concurring hopelessness since we thought that it's beyond our metaphors or hyperbole that those events that we wanted will eventually happen, when it will be just as those folks who ends up giving up for love - hence, taking into measures that love isn't significant after all. However, we drew the line of it, taking the risk of that, "falling in love into someone we can't have and who cannot love us, in a reciprocated way". Love is something strange that manipulates our thoughts to either stay or run away.

At midnights, there are lots of thoughts running like a river, a lot of questions to answer, certain speeches and poems to speak, a mystery to solve, and a past to travel within happiness and sadness that enriched ourselves to become the best version we never had. So here's my midnight thoughts: things I have in mind, people don't know. As you proceed thy reading, may you be enlightened about what I feel about every midnight, when 12:00 AM strikes on sharp.