Subkit Oneshots [PHIGHTING!]

Slapstick Cooking [START!]

"Alright, Subspace. You're in charge of peeling and cutting the potatoes, got it? I'll be working on the ketchup and frying them." "You got it Meddy!" Subspace chirped, smiling through his gas mask happily as he got to work, picking up a knife.

"How did you mess up this badly?!"

"Why are you being so mean to me? I tried my best!"

"You thought this was acceptable, Subspace? You can't do anything right!"

"You're so picky, Meddy! You never said I had to cut them a certain way. You were all 'Subspace, cut the potatoes' and when I actually do you're all pissy at me!!"

"Get out of my house, Tripmine!"

"I want a div-"

"What's going on, you guys? Rocket's coming over soon and I can't have you guys yelling like that when he's here!" Sword stood in the doorway, an irritated expression on his face. "I told Subspace to cut us some fries to this potato, right?" Medkit began. Sword nodded, a confused look on his face. "But instead of cutting them properly like a normal person , he got a fucking carving knife and created what he calls 'stylish fries'!" Sword's confused expression only worsened. "So... curly fries?" Sword questioned, still not understanding what the doctor was getting at. "No, not curly fries. Those are alright. The thing is, he's cutting them so that they're all weird." His voice got more angered as he continued talking.

Subspace interjected, a hint of dejection to his voice as he pleaded his case. "Medkit doesn't like my fries because they'll heat unevenly!!" Subspace whined, frowning pathetically. "Well, can I see the fries?" Sword asked, crossing his arms onto each other. "Sure." Medkit turned on his heel, a rigidness to his voice as he turned to the counter and picked up what looked like a glob. "...Why is it a polyhedron?" He blinked. "How dare you insult my beautiful-" "No, Subspace. That looks absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe you even thought this was a good idea." Medkit degraded, earning an outraged look from the inventor. "It's not even that bad! You're overreacting!" Subspace cried out. "Sword. Call Slingshot." Medkit deadpanned. "Don't have his number." Sword replied, feeling rather done with the conversation. "God, Subspace. I'll cut the fries. Just cut the tomatoes. Normally . I cut two already for you." Medkit scoffed, shaking his head at Subspace's inability to do anything right. "You got it, Meddy!" Subspace grinned, lopsidedly admittedly due to his rotten face.

"Meddy, why'd you cut an unripe tomato?" Subspace held up slices of a spotty tomato with orange-yellow spots around it in vague shapes, as if it hadn't decided whether it wanted to be ripe. It was bordering on ripeness, but not quite there. "It's fine, Subspace." Medkit turned to the tomato, saw it, and looked back to his potatoes. "No, Medkit. That tomato is a health hazard." Medkit scoffed, moving to throw it in the trash. Medkit teleported to him, standing in front of the trash can. "You could have just walked." Subspace scoffed. "You're not throwing away a perfectly edible tomato. It's not even a health hazard."

"It's a health hazard to my tastebuds! An acclaimed scientist like me only consumes the best, most delectable foods!""

"SFOTH Subspace! It is never that deep, just shut up and listen to me for once."

"I would if you said anything worth listening to!"

"The tomato won't taste any different, it's basically ripe!"

"You must have finally lost it if you expect me to eat that!"

"Subspace, why do I even bother spending time wi-"

"What is it this time, you two?!" Sword heaved, a look of pure disdain on his face. He was even more upset than normal, not even Medkit had seen him so upset before. Subspace held up the tomato slices from the trashcan, looking dumbly at the warrior. "This isn't ripe, right?" Subspace asked, earning a glare from Medkit. "It's going to taste the same. You can barely even taste, it doesn't matter." Medkit scoffed. "It does matter, Meddy!" "It's not that serious." "You never take me seriously!!" "You won't die if you ea-" " Quiet , both of you!" Sword shouted, freezing the other two in their places immediately. "I'll eat the damn tomato. Watch this." Sword took a slice from Subspace, plopping the raw tomato in his mouth. Subspace blinked stupidly at the melee. "Tastes fine." Sword chewed casually. "'S tart. Less sweet. It's still good though." Sword swallowed, and Medkit smiled at his approval.

"Told you it was perfectly fine, Subspace. You just make a big deal over nothing." Medkit's shit eating grin sparkled in the sunlight let in by a window. "You don't have to be so annoying all the time either." "I don't know how I put up with you, Subspace." "Whatever!!" He huffed in annoyance.

"Hey, Meddy, look!! We're done!!" Subspace smiled happily as Medkit plucked the last batch of french fries out of the bubbling oil. "We? I recall you only getting in my way. I don't even know what to do with the 'stylish fries' you carved." Medkit smirked, watching Subspace squirm at the jab to his ego. "It's the thought that counts! I cleared out my schedule just to be here, you should be grateful I'm even blessing you with my presence!!" Subspace took the fries from the drying rack Medkit had set them on, sprinkling a hefty amount of salt onto them as soon as they left the oil. "Why are you putting so much salt on?" Medkit stared. If Subspace had overseasoned the fries he might actually turn the tables on him and rip out his eye. "Everyone knows that you're supposed to put more salt than you think you need on french fries!! It coats more evenly!! I expected even you to know that!" Subspace cackled. "Sure, Tripmine. Just plate the french fries, listening to your boasting is making me hungry."

Medkit moved to the dinner table, taking a seat and waiting impatiently for the inventor. Subspace was still in the kitchen. "Can you hurry up?" Medkit started. "If you hadn't created so many problems we would have been eating already!" he called louder. "Be patient for me, Meddy!!" Subspace whined with a white plate in his hands, setting it on the table. Subspace sat at the adjacent seat to Medkit. The crispy delicious fries were on the plate and not on the floor, so that was a good start. The ketchup sat next to the golden fries in a small container. Both were garnished with parsley. Medkit admitted, Subspace plated the food very well. "Well? Why are you having a staring contest with it? Dig in, Meddy!!" Subspace chirped, picking up a fry. Medkit nodded, taking up a fry as well. "Cheers!" Subspace grinned, clinking a fry against Medkit's. Medkit heard a crunch, and his eyes lit up at the nicely cooked potato. It tasted salty, but the amount was just right, and the inside was fluffy and not too dense. It was a tasty french fry. He swallowed another fry and then picked one more up, dipping it in the ketchup.

"You actually eat ketchup?" Subspace stared. "Well, yes? We made it for a reason, Subspace." "I thought it was for, like, decor or something. I didn't know people actually liked ketchup." Subspace remarked, taking another fry and chomping down. "Subspace, what did you t-" "Hey guys. Done cooking?" Sword intercepted Medkit accidentally, walking over to the table where the two sat. "You really need to stop interrupting us like that." Medkit mumbled, nibbling a fry. Sword took one as well, biting down on the food item. "This is really good. You guys made this?" he smiled. "No, we went to Slingshot's cafe. Of course we made it!!" Subspace mocked. "Back off of Sword, Subspace." Medkit sighed. "Whatever you say, Meddy!!' Subspace chirped. "These fries are good. Just need more salt." Sword commented. Subspace deadpanned, death staring the warrior. Medkit knew that look. He quickly rushed to restrain Subspace from pouncing on him.