Me!

✨vent✨

TW: talk of homophobia, gender dysphoria, bad parents, (kinda) abuse-ish?, and all caps typing down the bottom

ok, so I am right now experiencing the worst gender dysphoria of my entire fucking life, I hate it, its killing me, I would do anything to have short hair right now, brought it up to my parents again, have a bruise on my cheek from it. I'm also questioning my gender, which again is super fucking fun, we love that (no we don't) because I think I'm trans, or a demiboy, but then I know deep down I can never be or look like a boy no matter how badly I want it, I very rarely cry because I was raised in a very "suck it up" family, so I'm not allowed to cry often, but most nights these last couple weeks I've been crying myself to sleep (main character energy) but it makes my skin so nice after, like omfg its so smooth

and I started ranting to my  friend about my parents and he was in disbelief, I think because his parents aren't that strict at all and mine control every aspect of my life, down to my phone case and how I wear my hair and then he was like "wait- your parents hit you??" and I was like "yeah, don't yours?" and he was like "no!!!" so now I'm confused lol, because I thought everyone's parents did.

and I grew up in an Italian speaking very catholic primary school (eight years of that shit hole), with awful teachers (one smoked in classrooms when I was like 8)

so I was always taught stuff like "essere gay è un peccato" and "non sei un ragazzo, *dead name* non puoi usare il bagno dei ragazzi" and yes that last one was directed at me when i was a youngeun (like 4-5, I tried to use the boys bathroom, a sign that I was genderqueer? possibly) also my first sign of being dyslexic was not being able to spell my name 

and of course, there's the old "andrai all'inferno e Gesù bambino piangerà" which one of my teachers loved to say to us.

and according to my "mother"

"You can't be more than one gender, I don't get all this she/her/he/him/it shit, just pick a side, you can't be more than one. you can be she/her, he/him or they/them, but not all, this he/her genderfluid shit, Elizabeth grow up. and of course, I support trans people, but you're not one. I think its all this cavetown shit you've been listening to, its corrupted you. he uses that he/it shit doesn't he? and also the word queer is just so offensive to the gays, I hate that word so much, I think it should be questionable instead"

actually they use he/they and my "father" has taken to calling him gaytown. I called him out for being homophobic and he argued he's just making a joke

and I don't know what I am, so I identify as queer, questionable is more offensive I think.

and in case you haven't noticed the quotation marks around my "parents" names, I'm confused about them for one reason.

I CANT TELL TONE

and they have been saying lots of stuff lately about me being adopted and I'm not sure if its jokes or not, but I look nothing like any members of my family (my dad's side is dark skin, black or really dark brown hair, my mum's side is blonde tan skin, while I have light brown hair and the whitest, pastiest skin you've ever seen and I have like greeny-brown eyes, me dad's are black and my mum's are blue)

anyway, high light of my day:

my dumbarse best friend, we see each other on Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays for work and Sundays because were on the same basketball teams, but we are seriously platonic soulmates and we must talk to each other every day or we just drop dead, so this afternoon I call her while I'm at school and she's home and she asked for help with her math over face time, we ended up playing our favourite Ed Sheran song (New Man) and singing and dancing along to it, great time lol. were the same person thought, I swear. we say the same stuff, think the same stuff at the same time, like the same books, and we've only known each other for two years. she goes to another school though :((((((((

anywayyyy, that's all!! have a great day/night!!

also, do we want a locker reveal or something like that? sorry, it's just we hit 500 followers and I have run out of ideas. my locker also had a dead gecko in it for 2 months before I got it, so it smells so bad and is full of shit I can't be bothered to take home.