The Forgiveable Journey Of The Cheated

1. Destination Unknown

Dan didn't place fault on Eve for the failing of their relationship on purpose, but the moment there is a relationship conflict influenced by variables unknown to one partner, it is not surprising that the partner in the dark will navigate the conflict with a skewed understanding of the contributing factors and their associated weights, react according to this biased perception, and in turn influence the future dynamics in a manner incoherent with the true dilemma. Certainly an omission of information the size and consequence of a long-term affair would have a colossal effect on the ignorant partner’s understanding of the problem, reactions to it, and attempts to resolve it. For years, Eve had blamed herself for being the quasi-sole responsible for her relationship problems with Dan while struggling to find the means to improve herself and what she perceived to be a monogamous relationship between two people dedicated to each other but undergoing a multi-year-long rough patch. Imagine now how awareness of Dan’s unfaithfulness would have changed her understanding of her role and responsibility for their difficulties and her quest for appropriate solutions! Even the best therapist available in the world would have been ineffectual in helping Dan and Eve without at least partial disclosure from Dan that he had been cheating on Eve with his colleague Charlotte for several years. And, because Dan had not been willing to risk his relationship and family with Eve by revealing even a portion of the truth so as to shed light on the underlying causes of his rejecting behaviour and emotional unavailability, he forfeited the possibility of correcting Eve’s biased perceptions about her unworthiness and of exploring effective solutions for improving their relationship.

Communication with Dan often left Eve frustrated. When she felt the need to clarify the many situations and exchanges that left her feeling confused or hurt, he avoided her, for clarifying would require some amount of transparency. Take for example, the following exchange of text messages:

November 10th, 2016.

12:15  Eve: Dan, Please call me. I'm stressing out here. Need to hear your voice... It’s important.

13:15  Dan: Hi Eve

13:17  Dan: I’m a bit busy now. We’ll text later when I’m at the skating rink with Luka.

13:17  Eve: can you please call me soon?

No response. Nothing. Eve expressing a need to speak to Dan immediately triggered Dan’s fear that she knew of his affair. By not responding, he was simply avoiding the possibility of being confronted. However, Eve considered his behaviour to be an indication that he no longer cared for her and a form of mild cruelty.

This was one of many similar text exchanges between the couple since Eve had bought herself a cell phone for her birthday in October. Prior to this purchase, Dan had constantly complained that she was unreachable and that it would make life easier for them as a family if they could communicate when he made spur of the moment changes to his schedule (like for overtime, happy hours, and unexpected union meetings). He insisted that she procure a cell phone of her own to improve the relationship, which she did, only to discover that he was no more available to her by phone and, later on, that his telephone was a tool that enabled him to easily cancel his presence in her life.

How ironic that Dan had insisted on tethering Eve to him while he simultaneously stepped away from their relationship.

Retrospectively, it is easy to think that Dan had been “busy” and Eve somehow unconsciously knew what he was doing at lunch time. She had seen Dan bent over his phone so much over that past year – a tell-tale sign of an affair “according to the experts” (and Eve’s friends). Its use had irritated her to the point that she had become anti-cell phone, which is why she had at first refused to buy one. He was always glued to his fucking phone! He would withdraw to the bathroom with it and suddenly turn it off when she approached.

His apparent addiction even became the source of an intense and long-lasting argument that same week in November when the text exchange above occurred. The argument and the resulting tension lead to mutual threats to separate. For Eve, an argument over cell phone use seemed like an absurd reason for divorcing, but knowing what she didn't at that time, it actually might have been a good idea.

She remembers crying often and slamming the bedroom door. Dan yelled a lot and expressed irritation about what seemed like everything while both feigned civility in the presence of their sons. For the first time in her life, she felt as though she was literally going crazy, for nothing about their relationship seemed to make sense anymore. The negative charge in the house likely marked the observable beginnings of the deterioration of her perceived self-worth.

A new relationship dynamic was crystalizing.

Eve did not want to behave as she did, anger rising and slipping out through sly and insulting comments. She would shift between bursts of rejecting him for being unfriendly and distant, and pleading for him to love her. She would wait for him to apologize for being mean and rejecting, build expectations that he will tend to her emotional distress, then feel consumed by rage and thorough disappointment when he did not. He seemed so above it all, careless and cold.

Her conclusion at that time was that she is unlovable, at least by him, especially considering the unappealing way she reacted to him. Her thoughts then sided with the idea of not bothering to love him if he could not love her back. This new positioning translated into avoiding eye contact, if not physical contact with him. He reacted to her withdrawal with increasing frustration and criticism, thus reinforcing her impression of being unattractive and unworthy. These were the some of the initial elements of the downward spiral that would last for years, even after they would make the decision to pursue the relationship post-affair.

Moreover, Dan managed to convince Eve that he is a good man doing the right things for their relationship, and therefore Eve could only deduce that the problems between them were hers and that they were hers because she negatively interprets his “normal relational attitudes”, is over-reactive, and demands too much from him.

Please note though, that no matter her behaviour, it could only be Eve’s fault for no admission of guilt was forthcoming from Dan.

Eve’s response to his rejection and withdrawal, in addition to her willingness to adhere to the notion that the relationship problems were of her onus, thus removed pressure on Dan to assume any responsibility and relieved him of a good portion of infidelity guilt-related personal discomfort. In addition to the draw of a secret sexual and love relationship outside of daily life stressors, the dynamic between Eve and Dan served the purpose of providing impetus to Dan and Charlotte to continue justifying their shameful actions. The negative spiral was thus well anchored and irrevocable as long as Dan continues to have sex with Charlotte.

And it went on. And on.

For years.

At this point in their story, both relationships appeal to Dan. On one hand, he appreciates the life he built with Eve over the past 13 years, especially during moments of conjugal complicity. They have two boys, and he considers Eve to be a good mother. His brothers, sister and parents appreciate her. He benefits from her strong social network, even though “their” friends are an increasingly rarer site through shame driven withdrawal. He enjoys the evolution of their financial situation and their rhythm of activities. He also knows for certain that Eve is a good person at heart, if not a little too emotionally reactive (for him), which considerably contrasts with Charlotte who although definitively reactive when she doesn’t get what she wants, is questionably good. It seems impossible for him to abandon Eve’s advantages in addition to the relationship’s potential for lasting and security. He is particularly concerned about the potential impacts of separation on their children.

Yet it is impossible for him to ignore the joys of pornographic sex on the side and the excitement of love without commitment. He basks in Charlotte’s beauty, youth and sex - I mean, who could resist this prize? On top of it all, it is so exciting and risk free as Charlotte is married too. Dan naively assumes that they are both bound to a mutual non-disclosure contract.

He is reluctant to analyze the impacts of eventually bringing Charlotte into his public life.

Let it be stated here that his secrets and unwillingness to choose one woman are not fair to Eve for many obvious reasons. Most importantly, the secrets and ambivalence have begun to destroy Eve and their relationship, while she blindly flails around in the dark in search of understanding and the means to find happiness. Moreover, Dan unconsciously placed the burden of the relationship’s demise or success on Eve.