The Forgiveable Journey Of The Cheated

4. Avoiding a Complicated Route

Only a week earlier, Eve was still trying to decide what to do about her situation. “Shit or get off the pot” she repeated to herself like a mantra, but she remained ambivalent. The diseased relationship pattern had crystalized, but with little self-confidence and esteem, it is hard for her to imagine moving forward in life alone. Plus, why change four quarters for one dollar? If she does manage to find someone else with whom to share her life, this person would likely be better in some ways and worse in others. For the time being, she will stay and adapt, unless there is some sort of sign that their relationship is thoroughly doomed, for example, if she found out Dan is having an affair or if he acts aggressively towards the boys. Though inconceivable to her that he is having an affair, with his unkindness being so unattractive and all, she is wary of the possibility of aggressiveness, as he is increasingly impatient with the boys.

Eve misses the Dan she had fallen in love with and she remains optimistic they will find happiness together again. This is just a temporary rut, she repeatedly tells herself. She is stubborn and unable to abandon a small hope that he could meet her emotional needs for security, comfort and love as he once had (or had he ever done so?). She reverts to blindly trying to repair the relationship with no idea about the extent of the damage.

To ease things between them, she makes sure to act and speak in a way that takes into account Dan’s aversion to guilt, without any inkling of the true reasons he feels guilty. A fake Eve begins to emerge from this non-natural way of being. She makes many futile attempts to get emotionally and physically closer to him, but she feels humiliated on a regular basis. Every time she tells him she loves him, his reply is absent or “thank you.” Her friends remark that when Eve is affectionate towards him, he avoids her. Sometimes she asks him to put his arm around her, and he ignores her. She tells him she needs to be reassured about the continuity of their relationship, and he does and says nothing. Her optimism is fuelled by Dan’s contradictory messages. Despite the absence of reactions to her expressed needs, there are some habitual signs of affection when alone together. He sits close to her on the couch, he spoons her every night, and they continue making love occasionally and discussing future plans together.

With no clear indications about what is going on in Dan’s head and his failure to respond to any attempt to make things better through discussion, Eve decides to try to facilitate communication through writing. She writes Dan a letter in which she points out the contradictions between his humiliating actions and loving ones. She asks for an explanation. Dan, in reading the letter, is overwhelmed with the realization that trying to hold onto a life with Eve without actually loving her is damaging in some way, and therefore their problems could not all be blamed on Eve.

It took him long enough to figure that out!

He concludes that he can no longer maintain both relationships (Duh!). Eve is right. He is humiliating her, letting her think he loves her, letting her manifestations of love fall flat and yet sending a message of affection out of habit while plans are being made with someone else. It is time to end their relationship.

He figures Charlotte will be happy about this turn of events and he suddenly feels relieved.

He mistakes his feeling of relief as an indication that he has made the right decision.

So the following week, Friday of the third week in July, the same day Eve committed to accepting her relationship and family life in its unsatisfactory form during her commute to work, the same day Charlotte handed Dan the key to her new house, Dan meets Eve at the door upon her return home and explicitly informs her, for a second time, that he is leaving her.

"I’m not happy" is all he says. When she inquires about the reasons, he provides none. Another girl? “No”, he lies. Another man? “No”, the truth.