The Forgiveable Journey Of The Cheated

13. Difficulty Staying on Track

 Dan hopes life will go on as though all these things had never happened. The secret he and Charlotte harboured is now known to all those concerned, Eve had spoken with Liam and put him into his misery, Charlotte could no longer threaten to tell Eve, and a point of no return had been reached with Charlotte. So let’s just get on with things.

Nonetheless, Dan avoids driving through Liam’s town on their way to their friend’s chalet, choosing rather to take a longer route. He is seriously afraid of crossing paths with Liam and he can’t decide what he fears most - the look he would get or the threat of violence. He suspects he is more concerned with the potential look because he somehow feels he should be physically punished in some way. He hates thinking that he is that guy who took away another guy’s girl, no matter how much of an asshole the other guy might have been. After all, isn’t he himself an asshole?

Eve thinks that Dan is being thoughtful by trying to avoid affair-related stimuli for her benefit. But still, she had hoped that they would go through that particular town and that by some strange luck, they would cross paths with Liam and Dan would get a look or a violent confrontation. Anything. She is already drowning in disgusting affair-related stimuli by sitting in the very seat where Charlotte had probably sat on several occasions. She could imagine her skinny nail-painted fingered hand buckling up the seat belt on the way to and from their “perfect place”. Still, the passenger seat is much more tolerable than the back seat. Just the other day, Dan had Eve sit in the back seat because Luka had jumped into the passenger seat before she had reached the car. Dan insisted she let Luka stay where he was. She felt too tired to argue, so she climbed into the back seat where she cried silently, overwhelmed with images of them fucking and fingering each other, grunting and then cuddling post-sex on the very same seat where she sat. She had always wondered why the one seatbelt clip always had to be retrieved from deep within the seats and why Dan had suddenly become obsessed with keeping the car clean and clutter-free. She had also wondered how certain parts of the door handle had gotten dark with touch. She feels repulsed by the back seat of the RAV. Sitting there is like torture for Eve, yet it took Dan three days to partially deduct the reasons why she had resisted getting in the back seat that day and why she had cried the entire duration of the ride.

Truth be told, Dan isn’t too concerned about Eve these days. He’s concerned about himself, hence the detour. He continues to suffer from his invasive and quasi-constant guilt and shame. New realizations about the consequences of his and Charlotte’s actions, and of the subsequent enlightenment on others, are coming to light every day. He is thus avoiding his own affair-related stimuli by using another route. He blushes when he thinks about the first time he and Eve had gone to their friend’s cabin and passed through the town where Charlotte once lived with Liam. Eve had pointed out that he seemed to know where he was going. He knew where to turn, the layout of the town, and he had even dared to cross the river in the general direction of Charlotte’s (and Liam’s) house they once owned there years ago in the hopes of perhaps seeing her walking down the street. Eve also remembers asking him “how did you know where to go” and hearing some vague answer that made little sense.

Though today, Dan anticipates how flustered he would be when the town landmarks trigger memories of the passionate love making a few years prior.

The alternative routes are safer for all of us he finally concludes.

Eve stares out at the road while she tries to convince herself that her personal soap opera is reaching its finale and vows to spend the weekend with Dan resting from her adrenaline driven cognitive overdrive. A voice deep within her tells her that the saga is far from over – she still does not have all the answers she wants, she is still confused about whether to stay or to leave, she still has not yet confronted Charlotte, she still does not feel that Dan has owned up to his actions, and worse, she is pretty positive that she still wants to have more contact with Liam.