The Forgiveable Journey Of The Cheated

36. Terminus

Liam is ambivalent about the terms of the ending as well. He is relieved and disappointed. His holiday ruminations led him to the conclusion that an end to the shenanigans was called for. He had been feeling so overwhelmed by a sense of longing for someone like her, yet had been repulsed by her age, her strangeness, and the pointlessness of the pursuing anything more than a few friendly exchanges. It would have impossible to be with her anyway. And while he liked the way she “spoke” to him and how she “got him”, these thoughts sometimes spilled over into paranoid ideas about how she seemed to know him – where did she get her information, was she spying on him, was she manipulating him? While he never did feel he could confidently express as much as he might have since the moment one of his messages had been intercepted by Dan, he sensed he could trust her but he had never been very good with trusting others with his feelings. He had maybe missed out on some opportunity for a fun and interesting friendship, perhaps something magical (that is a word she would have used he thought). Yet both longing and friendship could not co-exist, the lines had already been constantly blurred even through written messages. 

It was frustrating refraining from responding to her final message. She had taken him on a journey on the crazy train. “Her crazy train”, for he preferred to think his train was normal (even though he inwardly laughed at the idea that his train was anywhere near to being normal). He could not help but be thankful that he had taken this weird train, because it had ultimately derailed him from his own dark, sad and angry path on which progression toward something more light-hearted was stagnating. 

Yet he couldn’t be sure though whether their relationship had, in the end, drawn out his grief-filled journey, as he was quite certain that without it, he may have fallen back to believing Charlotte’s lies and dismissing Eve for an angry revengeful girlfriend. Had he not embarked, he may have been able to skip digesting the revelation, of having to integrate the new and painful truths into his already difficult and arduous mourning of the losses and failures incurred through his separation and health problems. He could have continued to benefit from the bliss of ignorance. 

He had spent much time defending the supportive nature of their exchanges to Nick, but strongly suspected that Nick was right about it acting as some sort of a constant reminder of Charlotte unfaithfulness and of the man with whom Charlotte had an affair. She may have been a constant reminder of the affair that had accelerated and contributed to the ending of his marriage. A reminder of the lies, the meanness, the disrespect, the detachment. 

He understood that he himself had not been a gift to Charlotte, that despite the greatness of his love and admiration for her, he had largely contributed to the destruction of their relationship through drinking, a violence within him, and his suffocating jealousy and suspiciousness (which retrospectively seems justified, but the fact that it had been futile did not escape his notice). He now understands that Charlotte was not someone to give and receive love, that there was always some purpose to her choices including her choice to be with him, and that he had failed in the purpose Charlotte intended for him and his relationship with her. Yet he had still held on to his desire to love and be loved by her. Communicating with Eve was a reminder of all that angered him, but also marked a shift in awareness of what he would want from future relationships. 

His feelings about the end were further complicated by his longing. His longing for the life Eve seems to live. His longing to be loved as she seems to be able to do and for warm feelings that rose up within him when he read her messages. He has longings for spending time with someone like her who values love and spontaneity, and who seems to be able to value him, despite his faults. He longs for someone capable of such grand forgiveness (as Liam so needs forgiving). He longs for someone like her. 

But not her. 

And like Nick had said, he was not letting go by maintaining a relationship with this constant reminder of his life before, no matter what the positive feelings incurred by the sight of a new message from Eve. 

Sometimes his mind wanders back to the first song Eve had suggested. It seemed ironic that the name of the band was First Aid Kit, as though she was predicting a mutual need for some sort of mending. She had asked him to read the words, and they came to him now. “Something good comes from the bad, a song is never just sad, there’s hope, there’s a silver lining.” How could she know this so early on?

Because everyone was right about the relevance of this ending, because Eve was right about a lot of things, he figured it was time that he actually heeded some advice, especially hers. His head “is full” as she would say. So he places his phone on the counter, takes his jacket off of its hook, and proceeds to dress warmly – it’s minus 40 out there with the wind factor. He steps out onto his front entry. The air stings his eyes so he grimaces and squints. The cold is such an affront. It steals his breath. He thinks to himself that it’s always such a struggle, and we’ll have to assume he’s talking about life. Frustration wells up in him, and with it his usual discourse about the stupidity of his decisions and the multitude of obstacles placed before him in his life, his unluckiness and the impossibility of any real positive change in his life.

 “Just breathe.” He remembers saying these same words to Eve thinking them wise. So he inhales, a deep breath through the nose, his eyes closed. He feels the cold air pass through his nose and down into his lungs. There was no struggle as he expected. He feels his heart accelerate as he holds his breath a little longer than usual. He feels the cold air he pulled in transform into something warm. “Let go…” he thinks. So he lets it go. And when he opens his eyes, he is fully aware that he is firmly planted in his life, standing on the steps of his house. Yet even more overwhelming to him, is the realization that he is not surprised to find that he feels filled with new courage.

They had survived her crazy train, which had reached terminus. It is a good ending. It is a good place to disembark.