The Forgiveable Journey Of The Cheated

2. Start the Engine

Liam is also blamed for the destruction of his marriage to Charlotte.

Actually, he is blamed outright for everything that is wrong in Charlotte's life.

Both Dan and Charlotte consciously blame him for why she cheats on him.Charlotte blames him out loud for their daughter’s bad behaviour, for Charlotte’s unhappiness, for her problems at work, for her life dissatisfactions. She blames him for the conflicts she has with other people in her life. She also blames him (and Eve), though this remains unexpressed, for being a hindrance to her extra-marital relationship and for being a barrier to having a “real” life with Dan. Charlotte villainises and reproaches Liam for everything underhand, which she consciously uses to justify continuing to have sex with Dan.

As opposed to Dan, Charlotte does not feel guilty about the affair. She even invents faults in Liam that she shares with Dan so that Dan will not feel so bad about having sex with a married woman. It also makes her feel less like a whore. Seducing, charming, and having sex with Dan is an investment for Charlotte. She wants to move up in this world and Liam is holding her back and making her miserable. But she too is not yet ready to give up what she has. For one thing, she knows she would look like an un-empathetic bitch if she left Liam so abruptly. Others consider her to be such a good person for having stayed by his side while he was so ill (even though she didn't), which is one of the reasons why she keeps her secret so well hidden – if others were to find out, they would know that she had actually cruelly abandoned him while he lay in a hospital bed. She enjoys the benefits of martyrdom.

She also enjoys the benefits of Liam’s dog-like faithfulness and unconditional love. She could walk all over Liam and he would still try to please. She loves the way he places her on a pedestal. He would fold himself in four to make her happy, so who could easily give that up? It is difficult to walk away from Liam’s tendency to treat her like a princess, especially considering that his family has money and she profits from some of the collateral benefits such as the family chalet, invitations to fancy restaurants, impressive house gifts, not to mention that huge down payment on the house as a wedding gift to Liam.

Most of all, she is not totally ready to leap into Dan’s life because Dan, unlike Liam, is not too strong on trying to please. He does just enough to keep her satisfied, but it seems like she does all the work. Regardless, she figures there is a better life to be had with Dan. Even though he isn’t all that hot, he appears to have it together physically, psychologically, socially, and financially. Plus, he is well-educated and intelligent (though his emotional intelligence is questionable). She does not stop to consider that much of what Dan has to offer is made possible through his relationship with Eve.

Even after two years of seizing every opportunity to be alone together, neither Dan nor Charlotte is ready or willing enough to leave their respective spouses. As such, Charlotte continues to reward Liam's eager to please behaviour. At the same time, she continues to reject and criticize him (and he still stays!) while simultaneously working on her investment.

Faced with Charlotte’s denigrating attitude towards him, the impression that he never has enough to offer inhabits Liam, though he basks in her intermittent rewards (niceness in its many addictive forms). He continues to try to please Charlotte, but has started to feel thoroughly discouraged within his relationship he so covets and the direction his life is taking. He knows he cannot continue being unhappy in this way. He rages against the epilepsy that ravaged his brain and his long list of shortcomings (many of these brought to life through Charlotte’s voice). He also he blames himself for his failures, including his failing relationship. After all, given his history with past girlfriends, it seems inevitable that this one should fall apart too.

However, he suspects that Charlotte is manipulating him and so he too has started to subtly reject Charlotte through withdrawal into dark moods and perhaps a few too many rum and cokes and outings with his friends where he comes home drunk and a little mean: A dynamic not so different from that of Dan and Eve.
Like Dan had done to Eve, Charlotte too had convinced Liam that he is responsible for the sad state of their relationship, only she is more explicit.
To those who witness their relationship, he is responsible, for he really is good at being what Charlotte wants him to be. He continues to play the role of the inept man who fails miserably to provide Charlotte with the picture perfect life she desires, all the while managing to convince others, including himself, that a perfect life for them would be possible if only he wasn’t so imperfect.

And then one evening, he yanked the wedding band from his finger and threw it at her. It ricocheted off her forehead and fell to the floor.

He finally gave her the key to her freedom and the possibility of a relationship with someone better than him. By the time this event occurred, he was totally willing to assume responsibility for his actions, to assume the bad guy status, for he was already responsible for everything that made Charlotte unhappy. Yet, in the seconds of silence that followed his display of anger, he knew he had lost everything. Instead of staying to take the scolding and insults, he picked up the keys to the S.U.V. and left the house without a word. He was thirsty for a drink and briefly wondered when his thirst for alcohol began. And how did he get to this place of violence and rage? When did he become an adult with an ordinary adult life of his desire within reach, but unattainable and impossible? He figures that it is because there is no good or deserving in him.

It certainly was not a good action to throw the ring at Charlotte, and it certainly was not a good decision to secretly slip into his parent’s house, drink gin until he passed out, and then call in sick the next day. It was reckless, unhealthy, unmanly, immature and worthy of negative judgment, even his own. He was not proud of himself. Indeed it does seem easy for one to judge him when Charlotte is to tell her version of the story to others, for she leaves out the shameful details of her own behaviour that acted as a catalyst to Liam’s break in moral code.
Even when Liam tells his version he omits many of these redeeming details, for several reasons. Most importantly, he harbours a secret hope that if he does not cross Charlotte, there is some chance that she might come back to him. He knows there is no chance of forgiveness if he taints, in any way, others' perception of her as all that is good, graceful and beautiful. Long after he abandoned this hope, he continued to omit these details because he feels ashamed for not having stood up for himself and for not heeding the warnings of his friends that this would eventually happen. Regardless, he knows that no matter the recounting, nothing he says could change the ultimate outcome. Plus, Liam has already accepted the burden of responsibility for his unsuccessful relationship.
Now let us take a good look at the events leading up to the ring throwing and make up our own minds…

The evening began as usual. He showered her in compliments as they prepared to go to the restaurant. He prepared a cocktail for her. He went outside to start and warm the car. He helped her put on her coat. He opened the front door for her. He walked quickly to catch up to her in order to open the car door for her. He drove carefully to the restaurant.

But his gallantry was little rewarded. There seemed to be no blow job in sight for him that evening.

He had already been criticized for what he had been wearing (he changed at her request), what he was now wearing, how he had prepared their Cosmopolitans (and their taste), the mess he made when he spilled a few drops, the car not being warm enough, for driving too fast, for driving too slow, and “I think you're lying to me about not having had more than one drink before we left” (although at this point, he wished he had). At the restaurant, he was told he had not parked properly, he should have dropped her off, the reservation should have been made for an earlier time, why he hadn't asked for a certain table.

Oh, but then… Then the waiter came to take their order. Charlotte instantly transformed into a soft and glowing creature. She was all smiles, flirtation and compliments. Once out of the waiter's earshot, the avalanche of criticisms continued. Nothing was left out. What he ordered, how he ate, how he used the utensils, how fast he drank, his hair, his fingernails. The criticism then moved to his job, his friends, his parenting, his attitude. Then began a now familiar chapter about the epilepsy, how the seizures had turned her off, how it was ugly to watch, how she cringed at the idea of him having a seizure in front of her, even though he had not had any since over more than a year and a half ago.

And when the waiter returned, so did her smiles. Then a conversation between the waiter and Charlotte ensued during which Liam felt as though he had disappeared. He had ceased to exist for her. It struck him how easily she was able to do this - erase him from her life, even while he sat less than a meter away from her.
The feeling that emerged from this observation was dangerous.

When the conversation with the waiter ended, her gaze returned to him, her eyes hardened and she continued to criticize. He had ceased to exist for her as a worthy human and he figured there was no point in continuing to try. This painful realization stunned him.

So he said nothing. He didn't say anything when she complained that he didn't converse (after all, how does one respond to constant denigration?), that he seemed to sulk the entire evening, and on and on it went. He felt disconnected, observing the evening unfold as though he was watching it from another table. He could feel her hate, her disdain. He had passed from feeling small to nothing.

Upon returning home, as he fumbled with the keys while unlocking the door, he was told he was drunk again (although he wasn’t), and later when he approached her in the bedroom, she pushed him back and said "no Li, don't even bother trying. I'm not in the mood. Plus the meds you take make it so it takes too long.” With this final nail, Liam felt thoroughly humiliated.

This was the precise moment their marriage ended.

He threw his ring in her face, and now there is a hole carved into his heart where there had once been love.

Violence is never justifiable, but when all the facts are presented, it is possible to understand how the violence came to manifest its ugly head, and more significantly, the possibility that it was committed in self-defence from the violence she had inflicted on him. Whose violence was worse and more hard-hitting? Charlotte's ongoing and intensifying verbal (and non-verbal) abuse or throwing a wedding band in Charlotte’s general direction in an attempt to cease the barrage of denigration that was obliterating any remaining sense of worth in Liam as a partner, as a man, as a human?

Liam had been pushed into a corner, and the only way to escape and survive was to give her what she needed to obtain her freedom without the odiousness of being the one who abandoned "poor Liam". And so it is with great pleasure that on January 24th, 2017, 3 days after the ring ricocheted off her forehead, and minutes after fucking Dan in the Toyota RAV parked in a wooded area near their workplace, that Charlotte rattles Dan's almost perfect but guilt inducing life arrangement by announcing that she informed Liam this morning that she wants a divorce.

"It's time now Dan", obviously referring to her project of Dan leaving Eve.